Monday, August 28, 2006


Sorry, I'm Not Trying to Turn This Into a Game

I had an MRI last Wednesday. I went over the results with a Neurologist on Friday, which is what started all of this shit. We're 90% sure of the diagnosis, but there needs to be another test that may or may not confirm this.

I wasn't scared about having an MRI at all. Annoyed that they changed my location at the last moment, but not scared. Face it, an MRI is kind of cool. It's all space-age. You get strapped into a tube and these magnets make all of these crazy sounds while the platform you're laying on moves you into position to do the next area of your body. The whole process is fascinating. I loved it.

The meeting with the neurologist on Friday wasn't nearly as much fun, but I did get to look at the images in the office, and that was fascinating in its own way. With an MRI, we could actually see some of the areas that were wrong, that weren't working the way they were supposed to.

The procedure today is commonly known as a spinal tap. They called it something else at the radiology office, but the neurologist referred to it as a spinal tap, so I'm sticking to that. There's nothing fascinating here. It's pretty medieval. I haven't read up on this as it fucking scares the shit out of me. I know this kind of stuff gets done all the time, even in Cheyenne, Wyoming, but not to me. Scary, scary stuff for me anyway.

I have to call a cab to get a ride. The one person in Cheyenne who knows everything that's going on with me won't talk to me anymore. She said she'd give me a ride, but last night I came home to an email that she wasn't going to do that for me. THAT IS COMPLETELY MY FAULT! I'm an asshole. I said things. I shouldn't have said things no matter what state I was in. Worse, 10 minutes later I found my actual feelngs, but it was too late and I was on my way to work. Anger and frustration aren't exactly the same thing. Sometimes I process them in a similar fashion.

In 10 days to two weeks, the spinal tap may confirm what my problem is. Then again, it may not. I apologize if my withholding of information seems like something of a game. It's not a game. If it was, I'd sure try to think of something much more fun. The neurologist is not exactly sure what's going on with me. Ninety percent sure, but not completely sure. The initial diagnosis is not good, the other 10% of things this could be are not good either. The option that we are 90% sure it is is treatable. I'm just not going to invoke the name of my demon until I absolutely have to.



Guess The Band

I use a program called iCal to help remind me of the things that are going on in my pathetic life. The trick is, of course, that you have to remember to put things into the calendar.

So I was doing that on Friday. I made a simple two word entry. I smiled to myself as, if taken one way it could mean I'm going to see one of my favorite (if entirely fictional) bands. Taken another way, it's a kind of scary medical testing proceedure. That it's happening at 1pm tomorrow should give you a clue as to which of the two possibilities it actually is.

I had a ride lined up as I'm not supposed to drive (or work - I guess I get a day off from work.....) afterward. As of right now I no longer have a ride because I'm a sad, pathetic loser who tends to speak his mind no matter waht the consequences. The consequences really suck. I guess everyone's right, I don't learn from my mistakes.


Sunday, August 27, 2006


The Globex Corporation Newsletter is Brought to You By.....



Fantasy Football for Kickers?

I've been in Fantasy Football leagues before and they're a lot of fun. I always find that they take a lot of time to be competetive in. Last year I was in a league with a bunch of SD politicos, fun, but some participants sort of stopped playing part way through. That made it tough for me who didn't have a viable QB, some guys never changed their lineups or responded to trade offers. I can sympathize. It really can take a lot of time, and any league should be for fun, not an enormous time waster.

So I tried to think of a league that would be easy to play and wouldn't take a lot of time. There was an NFL promo last year in which NFL stars were drafting Fantasy teams. Adam Vinatieri drafted a team of "All Kickers." Funny stuff, but I started thinking about how much fun that would be and formulated an idea over the past year.

Rosters would be simple, two kickers, two punters. No long involved draft, it would be over in minutes. Kickers would receive points as follows:

Field Goal 3 Points
40-49 yard Field Goal 1 Bonus Point
50+ yard Field Goal 2 Bonus Points
Extra Point Kicked 1 Point
Extra Point Missed -1 Point

Punters would receive points as follows:

Punt Downed Inside the 20 5 Points
Touchback -2 Points
Punt Returned for TD against -20 Points

Big bonuses would apply to Kickers or Punters who did something like a "Real Football Player" on the field:

Offensive yard gained (rushing/receiving/passing/returns) 25 Points per Yard
Recovered Fumble or Blocked Kick 50 Points
Made Tackle 50 Points
Touchdown 100 Points

I don't know, seems like fun for me. These are all stats that that are easy to find at or many other sports related websites.

If anyone has any scoring suggestions or would like to form a league, let me know. I'd post standings and stats right here at The Globex Corporation Newsletter.


Saturday, August 26, 2006


Stick it to the Man
Assuming "the Man" is Some Heartless Telemarketer

Greg Hall is an Asshole
Click HERE for full sized image.
Greg Hall in Executive Escalations at AOL sent me an apology for my poor treatment in the whole "Jacob - The Head of AOL" thingy. Greg Hall was resistant at first, stating he couldn't write an apology for "legal reasons." Apparently some state or municipal statute change (I'd have noticed if it were a change in Federal law) and Greg Called me back the next day to say he would be sending a letter out in "a week or two." He aparently needed the time to organize his thoughts.

The lying sack of shit did nothing of the sort. What he sent me was a fucking form letter. If you read the letter, he refers to "Poor Customer Service." Greg Hall himself told me (in a very snotty manner) that I was not a customer when I referred to the situation as poor customer service. Greg is right about that, I have never been a customer of AOL. I never will be, not only because their service sucks, but because the entire corporation is filled with complete assholes.

Gregs form letter goes on to read "AOL continuously reiterates to all representatives the need to treat members with respect in all instances." Now I'm not a customer, I'm a member. I am, of course, neither.

If you'll notice the date on the letter, it states that the letter was written on July 24, 2006. The postmark on the envelope is July 31, 2006. Not only did the complete waste of space named Greg Hall take over a week to write this form letter, it sat somewhere for one week after it was completed.

I called Greg Hall at 1-405-782-8293 with my concerns. Greg Hall refuses to return my calls. I had expected to correct his grammar and send it back to him, but the grammar is actually pretty sound. That's easy to do when you send out a form letter that's obviously been worked over by AOL grammar flunkies (and I do believe that they exist).

When Greg Hall refused to call me back, I contacted his supervisor Missy Collins at 1-405-782-8392. Missy was actually supposed to handle this case, but claims to have gone on vacation and it was passed on to Greg Hall. Not only is Missy Collins incapable of returning a call, she doesn't know how to operate a telephone as she called my phone a couple of times, but couldn't understand the instruction "leave a message."

In any case, I passed my concerns about the piece of shit communique' that I received from her bitch-boy Greg Hall. Missy told me that she would talk to Greg Hall and get back to me. That sound suspiciously like someone who promised to call me back. Missy Collins also told me she would send me an apology as well. That was over three weeks ago. I recently was told that the apology letter was sent (not by Missy Collins, she won't answer calls from me) but I have not seen said letter yet. I'm sure it's exactly the same thing Greg Hall sent and you'll see it here when it arrives.

Any attempts by me to contact Missy Collins are directed to AOL Security. Geez, I wish DirecTV Security worked that well. I received a written threat from someone in the building and security refused to take any action. So I'll also be requesting a copy of the report that has been file on me with AOL Security. They probably won't supply me with it, but they'll know that I know.

This is all pointless, and I understand it. But I have wasted hours of time that AOL employees could be using to harrass you when you're trying to eat dinner.

No thanks nescessary, just do the same when you have a chance.


Friday, August 25, 2006


Warning - Blog Content and Attitude May Change Some in Near Future

I was a really good patient.....
Don't worry, I'll be fine.

As someone recently accused me of (maybe accused is a little storng...), I do tend to air my dirty and clean laundry on this blog. There've been a couple of things that I've not been quite so forthcoming about, but I think that's about to change. I still have some things to find out, but I'm pretty sure what's going on here.

The point is, I'll be really forthcoming about everything as this really a place that I just let everything out. I blog when I'm pissed. I blog when I'm happy. I blog when I'm amused. I blog. The few times I've given it up have been far worse on my psyche than I'd imagined.

I'll have good days and I'll have bad days. I'll continue to blog in the randomly pointless way I always have. But now there'll be more. More stuff that's kind of serious, but that's OK because that's who I am. If I can blog when I'm pissed or I'm happy, I can blog when I'm really, really scared too. I owe it to myself. Stay along for the ride if you like.

My name is Doug Jungemann, but you can still call me:



Yet Another Sue Foley Photo Friday!

Originally uploaded by Zeeev.
Really, you can't beat this, Sue looks better than ever, she's got the paisley guitar strapped on and she's wearing a sexy black dress. What more could a guy ask for?

For starters, a guy could ask for more photos of this type. Luckily, 46 more photos can be found at this site.

Enjoy them in good health, and special thanks to Zeeev for the fantastic photos!


Thursday, August 24, 2006


Some Unbelievably Pointless Shit

New AOL Corporate Logo
Made my daily call to Executive Escalations at AOL today. I wanted to speak to Missy Collins as she had told me that she was writing a letter of apology for the poor way I have been treated by the department of Executive Escalations at AOL and AOL in general. She was also going to call me back after discussing with Greg Hall why he told me that he couldn't write me such a letter for "legal reasons." Neither of these things has happened, of course, and in truth I don't really expect them to as everyone I've talked to at AOL, including Jacob, the Head of AOL who works in a call center on Tuesday nights, has proven themselves to be a lying sack of shit.

So I called the general AOL corporate number today. Since Missy Collins won't even pick up the phone when I call, I find it more productive to ask to speak to her, then I'm transferred to one of her loyal flunkies who I instruct to leave a note on Missy's desk so that she is to call me back and I'm very angry. Today I called and talked to Madeline, I told her who I was and was about to ask her to leave a note on Missy's desk when she instructed me to hang on for a second.

I wasn't placed on hold, I was sent to AOL security. Like most people at AOL, there was no one at the phone I was transferred to.

Was I transferred to security on accident? I really don't think so. I'm most likely now labelled as a troublemaker. Fine. I've been here before. Until they name me as a suspect in a domestic terror case I won't get really pissed off (and we both know that was total bullshit, don't we Jimmy Kusyk?).

I'll probably call AOL security in a couple of days to see what's up and request a copy of the report that's undoubtedly been filled out on me.

I guess I'll never be able to get an AOL account, and that truely crushes my spirit. Their fine line of products will be unavailable for all eternity. What a sad day for BOJ.


Wednesday, August 23, 2006


Enough of that Bitching Crap

Brush with Greatness,
or Harrased by a Celebrity?
I have to start this by saying that HBO really knows how to throw a party!

DirecTV purchased USSB, whom I was working for at the time in 1999. USSB was a great company for dealing with it's clients like HBO and Showtime. HBO in particular loved us as we represented more households than any single cable provider or group of cables at the time, though that's probably changed now with rampant deregulation.

USSB bent over backward for it's big clients, and HBO in particular bent over backward for us as well (please, do not insert sex related joke here, it really was a fantastic working relationship). Unlike every company I ever worked for, however, the management at USSB passed down perks that hey received from business partners like HBO to the rank and file employees. Part of that was that we were a relatively small company and there weren't thousands of employees to have to distribute perks to. Also the ownership of USSB had plenty of money and didn't see any need to keep all of the cool stuff for themselves.

I was watching the movie The Aristocrats with Tim last night, a movie about a particular vaudville era joke that comedians tell, primarily to each other, trying to come up with the most disgusting version ever. The film was filled with dozens of comics doing their own versions of the joke. One of the comics in the movie was Wendy Liebman, a comic who I always liked (who did a really nice twist on the joke in the movie) and had the opportunity to meet once, though not under an ideal situation. Unless you want a cool story, then the conditions were perfect.

HBO can really throw a party. HBO threw the employees of USSB a party when the DirecTV deal was final. The rented out a club owned by Prince in downtown Minneapolic, provided a fantastic meal, had an open bar (and I was drinking the good Scotch), and provided entertainment. The entertainment was comedienne Wendy Liebman.

After dinner and a few drinks (have I mentioned I was drinking really good Scotch?) Wendy Liebman came out. It was a good show. Being something of a fan, I was familiar with some of her material. I was having a great time. As more free booze somehow found it's way past my lips, I became a little looser.

I began heckling as I got a little looser. I don't like to blame that type of thing on booze, but I probably wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been pretty sauced at the time. I heckled, some of it mean spirited (and I do regret that), but mostly just your basic heckling crap that a comic has to deal with.

By the way, three different people were singled out by Wendy during the show, all three worked in my department. I guess operations types can't help buck heckle. The other exchanges were pretty short. Mine ended up being a little more extended.

I was standing with a bunch of other folks from the department. I would say stuff and they would laugh. Everybody would laugh. I was getting positive reinforcement, so I kept going. I like to think I'm a funny guy, I have a good sense of humor and I think well on my feet. I also think I can drive a car pretty well, but I wouldn't stand a chance at the Gran Prix on Monaco. My point is that during our last exchange I couldn't help but think "I'm a funny guy, but she's a professinal - this isn't going to end good for me."

And I was right. She got me and got me good. I wan't particularly embarassed, but I will always admit when I've been bettered. It probably also helped that I'd been drinking. The show ended, Ms. Liebman left the stage and I resumed my drinking.

One of the guys in our group got on his cell phone and called operations to detail what had just happened. As this was going on I hear random calls of "over there" from people in front of me. I start hearing it from voices I recognize. Eventually I hear "Where's Doug?" from a voice I also recognized, the one I'd spent the last hour or so listening to.

"Are you Doug?"


"I'm Wendy."

"I'm a big fan!"

"Well it's nice to meet you."

We shook hands as all of my co-workers looked on with horrified faces.

She dissappeared into the crowd and it was all over.

Aside from everyone asking if I got her number. Reasonable, I suppose, as I was moving to LA in a couple of months.



Trying to Reach my Tiny Umbrella in Time

I have so much to bitch about that I try to decide which option bothers me most, rapidly run through them all until my brain resets and starts the process over.

That's actually from Tom Clancy's novel Red Storm Rising as he describes the "thought" process of a defensive system trying to decide which incoming missle to destroy. In the end, the CIWS can't decide and shuts down for good. The ship is destroyed. I read that in the novel and figured that either incoming missle would have destroyed the ship anyway, so deciding which lethal threat to destroy was particularly pointless.

That's pretty much how I feel on bad days. I've got so much to deal with, so much stuff that feels like it will destroy me that I don't know where to start bitching, I don't know where to start trying to defend myself. And I feel like any of the "threats" against me will be lethal.

I love Warner Brothers cartoons, particularly the Roadrunner. I've always identified with Wyle E. Coyote. Whatever he does turns out wrong even if all of the physics and mathematics in the universe would seem to prove otherwise.

I was very ill once when I was in high school. I was having horrible nightmares of horrifying situations involving myself and people I cared about. Of course, when I woke up, everything seemed completely unreasonable and I just let them go. One still freaks me out a little to this day.

In a Roadrunner epsiode, Wyle E. bought a large catapault from the ACME corporation (which was, incidentally, delivered in mere moments). He put a huge, house sized bolder in the contraption. He stood off to the side, pulled the lanyard and the bolder flew right onto him. He stood behind the catapault. When he pulled the lanyard, the bolder stayed in place and the catapault flew backwards and smashed my hero. In short, he tried everything that seemed reasonable, always with the same result.

Finally he settled inches beneath the bolder as it sat on the catapault's arm. He pulled the lanyard and for a split second you could see an animated coyote's realization that this wasn't going to turn out good. He couldn't run as the distance between him and the bolder was too small, the bolder was too large for him to be able to avoid being crushed. The time before the bolder hit was just too short to do anything. He didn't even have time to pull out a tiny umbrella.

In my illness induced delerium, that all seemed very reasonable. Even when I woke up it seemed fucking reasonable. I suppose we all have our own image of the definition of "impending doom," but that's mine. And I can feel that big bolder over my head. I've got my hand on the tiny umbrella, but I'll never be able to get to it fast enough to save myself.

And also, I really hate telemarketers.


Tuesday, August 22, 2006



I remember taking a literature class in high school and learning that great poetry didn't have to rhyme. I was 14 and I knew everything back then, so I thought that was complete bullshit. Even if it wasn't bullshit in the stodgy world of poetry, it was certainly bullshit in the world of the music I listened to. A song has to rhyme. How can it not? How can it not and still be any sort of good?

Every time I see you, baby
Walkin' down the street
I gets a thrill, darlin'
From my head down to my toes.....

Today would have been John Lee Hookers 89th birthday. August 22nd, besides being MonyP's birthday (who is considerably younger...) is one of my personal holidays. We all celebrate different things in our lives, I've celebrated the birth of John Lee Hooker for a number of years now. I have to go out and buy some scotch to celebrate it properly, as I already have the bourbon and the beer.

Hook will always be the "King of Boogie." His music was as raw as could be, made by a simple man with a soul that just oozed the blues. When I first started listening to Hook in the late 1980's, I was completely blown away. How was Hook not the single most famous human being on the planet? No mere mortal could be cooler!

That was my first reaction, it was from somewhere deep inside me and didn't require my brain at all. It was after my brain kicked in that I realized that he tends not to rhyme in his lyrics, he plays with odd rhythms in a very sparse style. His voice, while soulful, is really anything but pleasant. The more I actually thought about Hook's music, the more I realized that, for me anyway, it had nothing to do with thinking. It was all about the soul. If you don't like John Lee Hooker's music, there's absolutely no way that I can explain to you why you should like it. His music doesn't work that way, what is special about his music comes from someplace that defies explanation.

Listen to John Lee Hooker's "I'm in the Mood" from the 1989 album The Healer. Of the many amazing things about this track featuring Bonnie Raitt, one that always struck me as amazing was that it was done in one take. Bonnie was in and out of the studio in about half an hour. And while I've never been too big on remakes, Bonnie and Hook's duet is something special. Ther original is absolutely fantastic, throwing a woman's voice into sex-laced story about forbidden love gives it an amazing energy.

Every time I see you, baby
Walkin' down the street
I gets a thrill, darlin'
From my head down to my toes.....

I listened to that lyric for years before one day it struck me that it didn't rhyme. Not only does it not rhyme, but there's a rhyme there, an obvious rhyme that bad songwriters like me would have jumped all over. Hook went out of his way to avoid a rhyme. I've often wondered why. Was it defying convention, thumbing his nose at musical expectations, or was it his own little joke. On a live recording of the song, I heard him sing the line with a little bit of a laugh in his voice. Who knows? And, as with everything about Hook's music, it's best not to think about it too much. His music has nothing to do with thinking.



1,000th Comment

The 1,000th comment was posted today on The Globex Corporation/BOJ News Service family of blogs. It was made at 10:50pm on the post about my Lucky Underwear, which is probably the best thing I've written on this blog.

It's a bit unfair as the comment was made by someone I sent a link of that particulary post to. Here's a hint, regardless of my pissy attitude the past couple of days, I still really, really like her, though the exact meaning of that phrase has probably changed a little since I first wrote it on Wednesday.

Who will be #2,000? How should I know? It could be anyone! It could be you!


Monday, August 21, 2006


Not Really Old Band Promotion Either

Continuing the series of Magazine style 957 endorsing Misery Maker ads. I did myself first, but I had the ideas for TSA and ONA. Hadn't come up with anything for JB. Luckily I don't have to finish any of this.....



Child In Corner To Exact Revenge As Soon As He Gets Out

Repeat Offender Serving Seven-To-10-Minute Sentence

From The Onion:
Daniel Barriault, 5, quietly seethes

"I may have been innocent when they put me in here, but I’m sure as heck not innocent now," said Barriault, who has served time-outs for a wide range of offenses over the years, including public misconduct, second-degree assault of a sibling, and vandalism misdemeanors when only 17 months old. "They took eight minutes of my life away, eight minutes of playtime I’ll never get back, eight minutes of cartoons I’ll never get the chance to experience—and for that, they will pay."

Once again, I emplore you to stop reading the sad relationship-based crap I'm writing here and go read The Onion!




DHMO Update
Busting Government Liars

I try and I try. I practically beg. We need to rid ourselve of the insidious and dangerous chemical compound DHMO. Sometimes organizations, government organizations throw me a bone, listen to my concerns, agree to get rid of DHMO stored in numerous facilities around the county.
Exclusive Globex Corporation Thermography
of secret DHMO storage. The tank has clearly
not been drained as promised.

Of course, we at The Globex Corporation are skeptical and ever vigilant. Using space-aged Thermographic technology, Globex crews have been secretly taking images of DHMO tanks that were supposed to be purged of the dangerous substance. As this photo proves, their promises were as empty as the DHMO storage facilities were supposed to be.

It's time for civil action! Demand that your county and/or municipality rid their storage facilities of DHMO and decontaminate them. When they tell you they have, The Globex Corporation will be there. Hopefully we will be able to document their good faith with you good citizens. Failing that, your county and/or municipality will feel the full wrath of The Globex Corporation!!!



Sunday, August 20, 2006


A Place I'll Be Checking Out....

From The Onion:

Alcohol Themed Bar Opens



Saturday, August 19, 2006


You're a Great Guy......


I know I'm not the only person involved here, that my feelings aren't the only ones that matter. I know it's probably a bit unfair of me to just go of in a completely unrestrained manner. And I won't, but allow me to indulge myself as there's just one thing I keep coming back to.

You're a Great Guy.....


I generally talk about one sentence longer than I should. I generally say one more thing, that, if I'd just stopped a sentence (or verse) sooner would have made everything OK.

You're a Great Guy.....

"I'm a Great Guy!?! That's swell, now shut up and let's go play mini-golf..."

It just doesn't work that way. You have to let them finish. Dear lord, I wish you didn't have to let them finish. I am a Great Guy. I already knew that. But you wouldn't be hearing it if something else wasn't going to follow. Something that you don't want to hear, but knew you were going to hear as soon as you found out you were a Great Guy. You even knew it before she said you were a Great Guy, even if you didn't want to admit it to yourself. You knew from the first time you kissed her (or she kissed you), you knew it was going to come down to the same old phrase that you've heard too many fucking times before.

You're a Great Guy.....


It won't do any good to interrupt, it won't do any good to bargain. No matter what you do, the other shoe is going to drop. No woman has ever called me a Great Guy unless it was followed with But.

The But can be lots of different things. In the end it doesn't really matter, the result is the same in the end.

You're a Great Guy.....
But.....I'm going through a lot of shit right now and I just don't need any more complication in my life. Maybe I'll call you when I get my head out of my ass....

Tara Nelson said that to me in my apartment in Vermillion, SD in August of 1993. She was my first girlfriend after (actually during) my divorce. It was the first of many times a woman has said that to me (the ex-wife didn't ever bother to tell me I was a Great Guy, in fact, she made it pretty clear that she didn't think I was). Tara never did call me, so I can only assume that she never got her head out of her ass. Or that I wasn't actually such a Great Guy in her eyes. I'll assume that she's either still fucked up or that she's a liar.

I could go into every time I found out I was a Great Guy, I could go into every But that was involved. I could detail the one that happened today. I could go into all of the times I lashed out, or chronicle the times I just sat back and took it because I am a Great Guy. That would be counter-productive.

What I didn't really realize until today was that every time a woman has called me a Great Guy an undesired result was soon to follow and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Yelling and screaming felt good for a second, taking it good naturedly showed an amount of class, hoping that things would turn out OK in the future makes you feel better until you realize that nothing is going to change, that the end isn't at some point in the future, the end is right now.



Sticking to Blog Policy

I make it a policy never to delete posts and have stuck to that policy with only one exception. The previous post stays, however.

If I write it, I mean it. At least I meant it at the time.

Of my 10 irrational fears, they all turned out to be irrational.

As always, it's the totally rational things you have to look out for.

I will not discuss it further.

Comments to this post will be deleted, my policy be damned.


Friday, August 18, 2006


Top 10 Irrational Fears at the Moment

......drum roll please.....

10. Asteroid named for the Egyptian god of darkness and confusion will destroy all life on earth in 2029, just about the time my music career starts to take off.

9. I really, really like my new neighbor, but I like her and she's my neighbor.

8. Playing I Will Survive too much will somehow bring back disco and I'll be the one everyone blames.

7. Amy will at some point figure out that I'm not perfect and dump my sorry ass. She actually thinks I can play guitar well. No way in hell that's gonna last.

6. The movie Snakes on a Plane

5. I'll actually take Amy's advice and run away from her.

4. Snakes on a Plane, not the movie, actually being on a snake infested plane.

3. Cliche' generic early relationship worry.

2. Alien Abduction.

.....and my Number One Irrational Fear at the moment.....

1. I'm getting way too old for this teenage-esque realtionship worry crap.

So that's where my head is right now. Space limitations prevent me from listing my current totally rational fears.



Sue Foley Photo Friday

Sue from a German TV show. As far as I know, she's never
been on American TV.
My net service has been really screwy for the last 12 hours or so. Tried to post this very early this morning but had nothing but trouble. That's beside the point. This is a fine photograph (actually, it's probably a video still, and PAL at that....), my only issue with it is that part of her face is covered by the microphone. Also, she's not playing guitar. She still looks really good, though. I know that's not the most important thing, but I do dedicate this day to photos of Sue. I encourage everyone to seek out her music. I'm listening to Change as I type. Hard to imagine that someone who's been doing the music thing for over 20 years would make, what I believe to be her best album, this late in her career. Good for her!


Thursday, August 17, 2006


Pointless Shit

An attempt to defuse the previous post so that I don't get too serious. I've translated it into Dutch then back into English using AltaVista's Babel Fish:

This way another yielded go beyond in which I a ' property.' wrong, however, and I did not come know a whole party to female concerning yesterday that I real, really such as my new neighbour namely. More later today, natural, obtuse Tuesday shit will be. If only I could something find that both obtuse and write shitty were approximately.

I feel on this moment free good, nevertheless, so that we must see what perspires. Really cold something happened only. I listen to a music shuffling paces on iTunes and Slappy are Jebus ' "Brian Wilson" came followned by Barenaked Ladies ' "Brian Wilson." For the report, the version of BNL checks within at 4.49 whereas SIJ'S weigh within at fleshy 6.42. More value for your music dollar if you ask me.

And the neighbour Tim (not neighbour I real, really as, but he is a cold kerel) came dealy on shove with new Brian Wilson. He paid attention to a game of giants SF and the aid water pitcher Brian Wilson was in bullpen ready in the game come.

Warmin ' in the pen
Only such as Brian Wilson did omhoog
Warmin ' omhoog in the pen
Only such as Brian Wilson

I tried it that manner in the park the other day, rather chilly sounded. Gramitcally "two Condoms also played" with the new correct lyric poems:

You always tell me
It are only a foolish habit
That we ain't at the grocer rise
And I no pocket must double it
But darlin your explicit lane
Is terribly in makes a mess
And I thinks not you the meaning
Of fourteen points or less

Knows it made me to laugh, but only That One Galle and I would get it.

If you say anything in a silly enough manner, it will at least sound like you're not serious.



Missed the MBW

Get your tickets today!
So another week goes by in which I miss a 'feature.' Not a whole lot to bitch about yesterday, however, and I found out that I really, really like my new neighbor.

Later today, of course, will be Pointless Shit Tuesday. If only I could find something that was both pointless and shitty to write about. I'm feeling pretty good right now, though, so we'll have to see what transpires.

Something really cool just happened. I'm listening to a music shuffle on iTunes and Slappy is Jebus' "Brian Wilson" came on followned by Barenaked Ladies' "Brian Wilson." For the record, BNL's version checks in at 4:49 while SIJ's weighs in at a beefy 6:42. More value for your music dollar if you ask me.

And neighbor Tim (not the neighbor I really, really like, but he's a cool guy) came up with a new Brian Wilson dealy. He was watching a SF Giants game and relief pitcher Brian Wilson was in the bullpen getting ready to come into the game.

Warmin' up in the pen
Just like Brian Wilson did
Warmin' up in the pen
Just like Brian Wilson diiiiid

I tried it that way in the park the other day, sounded pretty cool. Also played "Two Condoms" with the new gramitcally correct lyrics:

You always tell me
It's just a silly habit
That we ain't at the grocery store
And I don't have to double bag it
But darlin' your express lane
Is in an awful mess
And I don't think you know the meaning
Of fourteen items or fewer

It made me laugh, but only That One Gal and I would get it.


Tuesday, August 15, 2006


It's the Cash Cab, Baby!

Playing on The Discovery Channel
Seemingly like all ideas on American TV, this one came from England. This one is good, though, it's Cash Cab on The Discovery Channel.

Oh how I hope something like this would happen to me! You hail a cab, get in and find out that you're on a gameshow! Four $25 questions, four $50 questions then a series of $100 questions, all while traveling to your destination. Three strikes and you're out, and they don't just mean you lose all of your money, you also have to get out of the cab. "Sorry, no money, and get the hell out!" There are the usual gameshow gimmicks, of course, "Red Light Challenge" offers passengers the chance to play a bonus game while stopped at a red light. There are "shout outs" when a passenger gets stuck on a question, either the cell phone or guy on the street variety. That's probably my favorite part of the show, someone who a few minutes earlier had no idea they were going to be on a gameshow asking for help from the average guy standing on the sidewalk. How cool is that!

One of my complaints about American Idol is that they show people who have no business singing in front of anybody the opportunity to cause the whole viewing public great pain. Have you ever noticed that really stupid people never get on Jeopardy!? That's because Jeopardy! is a good TV show, American Idol panders to that basest of desires to see people fall flat on their faces. It also allows people who will do anything to get on TV a forum. "Hey man! I was on American Idol!! Yes, I stunk up the joint!!!"

Cash Cab has some of that, but it's different because contestants on this show had no idea that they were going to be on a gameshow. If someone on Cash Cab turns out to be an idiot, at least they didn't expend the time and effort required to even get on a TV show. Luck of the draw, right (or wrong) place at the right time. It's pure, even purer than a regular gameshow like Jeopardy! because it doesnt require contestants to go through a long selection process, doesn't feature people whose only desire in life was to be on a gameshow. A little to close to home there.....

So check out Cash Cab on The Discovery Channel

Check local listings for time and channel in your area.


Monday, August 14, 2006


Not Really Old Band Promotion (Well, Sort of)

Mysery AdvertI suppose a word of explanation is in order.

A friend created a flogging device for use in the BDSM world. I did some of the logo and some of the graphics for his website. I was also doing a lot of 957 promotion work at the time. We used to joke in the band about really bizzare promotional and public service ideas, the P957 for refridgerator safety was an absolute classic ("keep it below 72 degrees in your refridgerator all the time.....ALL THE TIME!!").

Working on both projects at the same time, it seemed kind of natural to combine the two. I thought it would be really cool if 957 did a product endorsement. I thought it would be even cooler if it was something none of us would possibly use.

So there you go.....



DHMO Update - Subarus and DHMO

This device for circulating DHMO
in my Subaru failed.....
As stated before, DHMO is used as an industrial coolant. While it is a cheap and effective coolant, it's many of the negatives have been discussed here and at Some may call me an alarmist when I call for a total ban of DHMO. I stand behind my call for a ban, but I understand that the economics of DHMO make it difficult to eliminate from every day life. It shows up when you least expect.

While trying to drive back to the RC a couple of months ago, my Subaru failed about 10 miles north of Cheyenne. I was able to get back to Cheyenne, ended up taking the car to a garage and found out what the problem was. I was surprised to find out that their was an intricate DHMO circulation in my vehicle that aided in temperature control of the engine block. A DHMO pump failed, circulation ceased, the engine overheated, their was damage to the head cover gasket (this lead to the actual fatal problem with that engine, but as it wasn't actually DHMO related, I won't go into it here).

Some would say that it's ironic that BOJ, opponent of all DHMO usage on the planet would be undone by the DHMO circulation device on his own car. I say it only proves my point. We've come to depend on DHMO. But we only use it because it's cheap. There are other industrial coolant options out there. Could they possibly be worse than DHMO? I haven't done the research, but I'd guess that they couldn't be.



Sunday, August 13, 2006


Final Installment of Old Band Promotion

It's been a magical couple of weeks and I'm really sorry to see it go. I hope you've enjoyed the stupid stuff I made for the best band that nobody ever heard of.

The final completed Weekly 957 World News offering.

A Weekly 957 World News page that was never completed. Make up your own lame jokes. I really liked the thing about the "Mystery Pontif" for some reason.

Uncompleted promotion for a show that never occured. ONA's rich and controlling uncle sent him to spend a couple of months in a tropical paradise, and I never got him or JB to pose for a photo. Regular reader of this blog and fans of Slappy is Jebus will recognize the "Pez Heads" from the Farewell Concert promotion. Somehow I never got a refridgerator magnet.....


Friday, August 11, 2006


Sue Foley Photo Friday

Sue's Best Album Cover
I dropped the ball on all of the "features" this week, with the possible exception of yesterday, in which every word I typed, every link I made, could certainly be classified as Pointless Shit.

I'm listening to Sue Foley's Change, (2004) at the moment. Up to this point, I hadn't heard Change except for the odd track here and there. My admiration for her 2004 effort was soley for the cover. I'm a guy, and Sue has never looked better than she does on the cover of Change.

But I bought it last week and as much as I liked most of her previous albums, Change may be her best (though I haven't heard this year's New Used Car yet).

Change reminds me very much of the time I saw Sue live at The Blue Cafe in Long Beach. Change is an intimate, live recording, primarily acoustic, played in front of a subdued but appreciative crowd. She plays five new originals plus covers by the likes of Memphis Minnie (nobody does Memphis Minnie material better than Sue Foley!!!) Her "little girl voice" (which I adore!) is showing signs of growing up, but still sounds innocent enough to create an interesting counter point to songs like Bessie Smith's Sugar in My Bowl.

There is nothing sexier than a woman who can play and sing the blues, and Sue Foley, in my opinion is one of few female singers today who can handle the classic female blues of the 30's and 40's. Additionally she is able to update that style to today. Check out Sue Foley's Change, there's even a couple of sample tracks at this Ruff Records site.


Thursday, August 10, 2006


Problem Resolved

The issue with the Casper Star Tribune has been resolved. The newspaper was very professional in their handing of the matter and though I will never subscribe to that newspaper, I don't have bad feelings toward them.


The Jones Boys telemarketing firm is a different situation all together. I talked to Evelyn today at 1-702-732-8413 who is apparently the president and sole owner and president of The Jones Boys (probably as much as Jacob is the head of AOL), and I was told never to call The Jones Boys at 1-702-732-8413 again. So they're on my "Do Not Call" list.

Of course I can't tell anyone else what to do......



Outgoing Commissioner Tagliabue Expected To Pardon Dennis Miller Before Leaving Office

From The Onion:

"Tagliabue knows that hard-line fans still want vengeance for Dennis Miller's constant clumsy references to the Battle of Thermopylae, Truman Capote novels, quantum physics, I Love Lucy, and everything else while they were just trying to enjoy Monday Night Football," said a source in NFL management who wishes to remain nameless.

Hey, I loved Dennis Miller on MNF. I guess I was in the minority. We'll see how well Kornheiser does......




Zymurgical! Zymurgical! Zymurgical!

At present, of the last 100 hits on this blog (because that's all the reporting I get for free), 25 have been from search engines, specifically, people looking for reference to the word zymurgical.

Before this post, the word zymurgical had only been used twice on this blog, once by me in a post here and once in a comment here. Since no one else seemes to use it much either, the Globex Corporation Newsletter shows up every time a search for zymurgical is performed.

Still confused? Zymurgical doesn't appear on, but zymurgy does.


Saturday, August 05, 2006


We Demand More Old Band Promotion!

OK, I doubt that anybody demands it, but here it is anyway....


...only two left, and I ain't makin' any new ones.....


Friday, August 04, 2006


Sue Foley Photo Friday

I'd make this a more elaborate post, but I'm only awake because my phone rang. I'm going back to bed, but I couldn't forget about my favorite day of the week!


Wednesday, August 02, 2006


From The Onion

Cuban Leadership Passed
To Castro's Brother

Cuban leader Fidel Castro, 80, will for the first time temporarily hand over power to his brother, Raul, while he recovers from gastrointestinal surgery. What do you think?

Old Woman

Leah Davis,
"I'm used to the human rights violations, but I had hoped Castro was above nepotism."

Old Man

Matt Ruben,
Image Consultant
"Funny how this 'surgery' happens to coincide with the finals of America's Got Talent. I'm just saying, keep an eye out for a 6'4" bearded man whose talent is smoking 8 cigars at the same time."

Young Man

Julio Cruz,

Systems Analyst
"So I swam all the way over to America to avoid persecution just for the guy to die 16 years later? Nuts!"



More Fun With Telemarketers

I could dedicate this blog soley to my dealings with shit for brains telemarketers. I will relate the resolution of the "Jacob - Head of AOL" dispute that has been going on for some time now but I've got more tail twisting to do. However, I urge you to call Greg Hall at 405-782-8293 and tell him that he's an asshole. I'd suggest you call Missy Collins at 405-782-8292 but she's never at her fucking desk and never returns phone calls.

Anyway, I was doing laundry yesterday and I was coming in from the clothesline when I checked my mail. I received two items, a bill from the Casper Star Tribune and a card from same thanking me for being a subscriber.

I am not a subscriber to the Casper Star Tribune but apparently a telemarketing company mistook my hanging up on them for my acceptance of their fantastic introductory offer.

I called the Casper Star Tribune immediately and they were nice enough to remove the bill with no fuss. I asked to talk to someone I could compalain to, but apparently she was at lunch. I left a number and was told I would be contacted within the hour.

Ninety minutes later I called back as the promised call never occured. I left voicemail with the woman who was supposed to call me. I was not nice. I did not fly off into an explative laced screaming session, but I made it evident that I was unhappy, not only with receiving a bill for a newspaper I'd never received, but also for being blown off by someone who claims to work in customer service.

She called me back a couple of minutes later, saying she had received my "little message" whatever the hell that means, and that the problem was being looked into. I went off on her. How could I receive a bill for a service I never received when I never ordered said service? It's immoral and illegal for a telemarketing company to pass on orders that never occured to their client. I demanded a written apology from the Casper Star Tribune, from the telemarketing company that passed on the order and I demanded that the Casper Star Tribune sever all business ties with a telemarketing firm that would act in such an illegal and immoral fashion.

We got inot a discussion as to whether or not what occured in my situation was illegal or not. It's amazing to hear someone constantly contridict herself as she tries to explain her position which is shaky to begin with. I was told that this had never happed before. Then I was told that it occasionally happened. Then I was told it had never happened before. I was told that it wasn't illegal but that it probably wasn't legal. Whatever. She tired of the whole deal and hung up on me.


Well, you know I'm calling right back. I'm in a worse mood than before. I got her to say that she'd contact the telemarketing firm to see if I actually told them yes to the offer or not. Ah, now questioning my integrity, that really improved my mood. I laid into her at that point and started demanding the course of action that was going to ooccur. The telemarketing firm would be contacted, the tape would be listened to, and I would be kept up to date on everything that was going on.

I had the distinct feeling that I was being blown off, so I asked when I would receive a call with the information I requested. She replied that I'd get a call when they knew. I asked again when I'd receive a call. She hemmed and hawed but I eventually got a time out of her, before 11am on Wednesday.

My phone rang at 10:24am this morning. It was someone from the Casper Star Tribune (I was asleep when the phone rang, I'm working overnights this week) and was told that the tape had been listened to, that I had hung up when the fantastic introductory offer was made and yet somehow, and they didn't know how yet, that had been interpreted as my acceptance of the offer. They didn't know who's fault it was so I demanded that they figure out and then I'd be receiving written explanations and apologies from both the Casper Star Tribune and the telemarketing firm.

I was transfered to Lee the head of circulation. We got into a long discussion on whether what had happened was legal or not. It's not illegal, but it's not legal. Same old tail chasing bullshit that I'd heard yesterday. These people are a real peice of work.

He told me he'd be in contact with the telemarketing company. I asked when I would hear what had happened and he of course told me when he knew something. Oh-oh, sounds like I'm being blown off again. I told him he'd call me back tomorrow or I'd call him, that this incident would not be over until I was satisified, that I'd call back every day to find out what was going on until we all knew what was going on.

He apparently took me seriously as I received a call from the telemarketing company a few minutes later. Alright, I give Lee credit for actually doing what he said he was going to do. I shouldn't have to yell and threaten for him to do that, but I got the result I was looking for at this point.

The representative from the telemarketing company confirmed that I had hung up on the amazing introductory offer and that she had no idea how that was taken as my acceptance of said offer.

So here's what happened initially:

1) I received a telemarketing call offering a subscription to the Casper Star Tribune

2) I hung up on the person making the offer

At that point, one of two things happened:

1) The telemarketer interpreted my hanging up a acceptance of the offer


2) The Casper Star Tribune got the information that I had declined the offer but went ahead and started service and billed me anyway

Someone screwed up here big time. I'm going to get to the bottom of this and I'll let you know who's fault it is and how I handled it.


Tuesday, August 01, 2006


Could There Be Any More Old Band Promotion?

Not a whole lot more of these, folks. Still, I made these all in just a couple of weeks. Did I have a life back then? Oh, right, I didn't.




From "The Paper":

SAN FRANCISCO -- The Golden Gate Bridge is one of the most recognizable and economically vital spans in the nation. So it was not surprising when the U.S. Office of Homeland Security (OHS) discovered the bridge listed on a terrorist memo of potential targets.

However, working with the San Francisco Police Department, the OHS has devised a plan to keep the bridge safe.

"We've hired 25 young, beautiful women willing to remove all their clothing and station themselves at strategic points on and approaching the bridge," explained San Francisco Police Public Information Officer Bruce Onder.

"Hopefully, that will keep religious radicals from coming near the structure."

According to Dr. Henry Chilvers, Professor Emeritus of Religion and Morality at the University of Sprituality in Sacramento, "Many orthodox faiths demand that a woman cover herself completely, excluding the face and hands, from men except her husband. Most religious zealots who would harm our nation are youths who have not seen one naked woman, let alone many. The shock, shame or simple eye-popping spectacle is going to make them do a U-turn pretty quickly. Or else drive into the bay, which is just as good."

Operation Bust Attacks, as the project has been named, is scheduled to begin within the next two weeks. Are any problems anticipated?

"Oh, we imagine we'll get some complaints from the Religious Right and from parents of small children," responded Onder. "But it's the 'new normal' so they'll just have to cover some eyes and deal with it."

If Operation Bust Attacks is a success, arrangements will immediately be made to have naked women stationed at the Statue of Liberty, Mount Rushmore, the Alamo and Independence Hall.

Expressing the OHS sentiments in a remark that is sure to live alongside Sherman's "War is Hell" and MacArthur's "I shall return," Onder commented, "If the enemy wants to fight dirty, we'll give 'em dirty."

Penn & Teller had a great idea on their fantastic show Bullshit! They proposed rebuilding the World Trade Center using ham as construction material. What self respecting jihadist would fly an airliner into a building made entirely of pork products? Brilliant! I say we train pigs to work for the office of homeland security and move all giant hog feeding operation to our national borders. We'll be safe against terror forever and ever.



Positive about Vadalism,
Cool Vandalism

I swear, this is real. Additionally, I swear
I didn't do it, but wish I had.
I referred to the photo to your right in a previous post but couldn't find a photo of said vandalism. Nieghbor Tim came to the rescue, providing a link to the photo.

You know, I dick around with Adobe's fine program Photoshop, one of the coolest computer games ever. OK, I know it's not a game, but I sure have a lot of fun with it. A favorite project of mine is to put knew crap onto billboards. It's just virtual, of course, I don't really vandalize billboards. These guys did, though. Bigger cajones than I've got on the fellows who did this. Kudos!


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The Bert Convey
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