Wednesday, March 31, 2010

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine!

So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Once I had this dream
Where I slept with her mom
Unless I've got this wrong
A secret all along
Unless she hears this song
Unless she hears it
On a tape inside her car
With her new husband and she
Turns to him and says "I think that's me"

Barenaked Ladies
"In the Car"


Thursday, March 25, 2010


2009-2010 NBA All Mountain Time Zone Team

C - Nene - Denver Nuggets
PF - Amare Stoudemire - Phoenix Suns
SF - Carmelo Anthony - Denver Nuggets
PG - Steve Nash - Phoenix Suns
SG - Jason Richardson - Phoenix Suns

C - Mehmet Okur - Utah Jazz
PF - Carlos Boozer - Utah Jazz
SF - Andrei Kirilenko - Utah Jazz
PG - Deron Williams - Utah Jazz
SG - J.R. Smith - Denver Nuggets

C - Chris "The Birdman" Andersen - Denver Nuggets
PF - Kenyon Martin - Denver Nuggets
SF - Grant Hill - Phoenix Suns
PG - Chauncey Billups - Denver Nuggetss
SG - Leandro Barbosa - Phoenix Suns

I can't believe I made Billups the third best point guard in the time zone, but Nash and Williams are both having great years.

Third team features a couple of guys out of position. "The Birdman" is really more of a 4 than a 5, but he's better at the position than any center on the Sun's roster. The Sun's Barbosa really plays the point, but deserves recognition as a scorer.



Wednesday, March 24, 2010

D'oh! Isn't there anything faster than a microwave?

One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Like Sam the butcher bringing Alice the meat
Like Fred Flintstone driving around with bald feet

Beastie Boys
"Shake Your Rump"
Paul's Boutique


Thursday, March 18, 2010


Things I Like About the Brady Quinn Trade

The Broncos acquired the former first-round draft pick from the Cleveland Browns for fullback Peyton Hillis, a 2011 sixth-round draft pick and a conditional pick in 2012

  • Despite being in an absolutely horrible offense, Quinn has still thrown more touchdowns (10) then interceptions (9) over his career.

  • The price (a seldom used fullback, a 2011 sixth-round pick and a conditional 2012 pick) was extremely low for a former first-round quaterback who's still a long ways from 30.

  • Quinn isn't officially a "bust" yet.

  • Quinn played under Charlie Weis in college. Denver coach Josh McDaniels began his career coaching under Weis. If Quinn didn't pick up too many bad habits in Cleveland, he should be coachable in an offense he's somewhat familiar with.

  • Peyton Hillis was buried on the Broncos' depth chart.

  • Worst case, Quinn would seem to be an upgrade over current backup QB Chris Simms.

  • Best case, Quinn has more physical tools than current starting QB Kyle Orton and is two years younger.

  • In short, while I'm not overly excited about this deal, the Broncos didn't give up much, don't seem to expect too much and the potential up-side far outweighs the minimal risk.



    Wednesday, March 17, 2010

    Hmm. I guess Bart's not to blame. Which is lucky, too, because it's spanking season, and I got a hankering for some spankering!

    Two Dozen & One Greyhounds


    Tuesday, March 16, 2010

    Here I stand - sad and free
    I can't cry and I can't see
    What I've done
    God. . .what have I done

    I poured my heart out
    I poured my heart out
    It evaporated. . .see?

    Ben Folds Five
    Whatever and Ever, Amen


    Thursday, March 11, 2010


    14 Albums That Mean a Lot to Me

    ...not particularly the best albums, I don't have the authority to make that call. Not even necessarily my favorites, though all of these albums are among my favorites. This is just a list of musical efforts that taught me something about music or about myself.

  • Live in Cook County Jail (1971)
    B.B. King
    Around the same time, B.B. recorded Live at the Regal, which is considered one of the great post-war blues albums. Live in Cook County Jail has a similar set list, and while the musicianship is a step below Live at the Regal, it's B.B.'s interaction with the inmate crowd that strikes me every time I hear Live in Cook County Jail. Playing to a theater crowd is so very different from playing outdoors to a group of inmates, and B.B. capitalizes on this. Know your audience and play to them...

  • Nebraska (1982)
    Bruce Springsteen
    Stark and depressing, Nebraska is my favorite Springsteen album. Recorded in his kitchen on guitar and harmonica, the exceptional songwriting shines through. Without the E Street Band, the musicianship is a step below every other Springsteen effort, but musicianship, in Springsteen's case, is secondary to fine storytelling.

  • The Healer (1989)
    John Lee Hooker
    Practically a tribute to a (at the time) living legend, 'Hook' is joined by a mind-boggling array of guests, each dove-tailing with Hooker's unique, droning style. Highlights include Carlos Santana on the title track and Bonnie Raitt on "I'm in the Mood," but there's really not a track here that isn't simply a classic. Yet, with all of the assembled star-power, The Healer is undoubtedly a John Lee Hooker album. Greatness like Hook's simply can't be overshadowed.

  • The Joshua Tree (1987)
    When music historians look back on the 1980's, I hope they take a hard look at The Joshua Tree. I think it's the best pop album of my generation. In fact, its biggest flaw is that after the first three songs ("Where the Streets Have No Name"' "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" and" With or Without You" ), the rest of the album has a hard time measuring up to that blazing start. But the rest of the album is great. It was amazing to see the U2 of the early 80's (a simple guitar band who I liked a lot) morph into the global phenomenon that they are today. It all started with The Joshua Tree.

  • Midnight Stroll (1990)
    Robert Cray
    Robert Cray has probably made five better albums than Midnight Stroll, but it makes my list because, as I went through my life, the songs on this album just spoke to me in a personal way. "The Forecast" foreshadowed the troubles I'd have in my marriage when I heard it in a Deadwood casino, "Consequences" was a warning, "Labor of Love" was an eye-opener that got me out of a bad relationship. There's more, but I think we'll leave it at that.

  • Gordon (1991)
    Barenaked Ladies
    I used to love MTV Unplugged. To me, it was fascinating to see bands take familiar songs and break them down to their core elements, playing acoustic versions of classics. I had owned Gordon for months before I realized that it was, pretty much, all acoustic. I was more surprised with my realization that it lacked nothing (except electricity). Fine songwriting, excellent musicianship and a sense of fun abound on the band's first outing. Gordon taught me that acoustic music is alive and can be a lot of fun!

  • Horny Holidays (1992)
    Mojo Nixon and the Toadliquors
    Every December, I spend a good amount of time inside the twisted mind of Mojo Nixon. A novelty Christmas disk, to be sure, but Horny Holidays has its share of fine musicianship in reworkings of newer vintaged Christmas classics like "Boogie Woogie Santa Claus" and "Run Run Rudolph." Let's face it, though, you're not listening to a Mojo Nixon Christmas album in a search for fine musicianship. That's where songs like "It's Christmas Time" and "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" (where we're introduced to Horny Claus, the illegitimate spawn of Santa Claus' dad and the Easter Bunny's mama) come in. When it comes to Mojo, nothing is sacred...

  • Black & White (1995)
    James Harman Band
    Harman is a pretty good vocalist and harmonica player (his solo on "The Second Voyage of Noah's Ark" is probably my favorite harp solo, and I own a LOT of Little Walter), but it's his songwriting that gets Black & White onto this list. Songs like "Hollywood Girls" and "Lock Doctor" are humorous takes on things James saw (once while stuck in traffic!). All Harman songs tend to be funny without being 'jokey'. Humor is always all around us, but that's no reason to beat people over the head with it - let the humor shine through on its own.

  • It Happened One Night (1996)
    Holly Cole
    I could have listed any Holly Cole album here, but I've always had a love for a fine concert album. Cole primarily performs covers, always making exceptional choices. Her handling of heavy material like Tom Waits' "Tango 'Til They're Sore" is done expertly, adding another layer to an already excellent song. Covers are done her way, but always with the utmost respect to the original.

  • The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner (1999)
    Ben Folds Five
    Messner was a huge departure from BFF's previous albums. It was less raw, more thoughtful. It was richly textured, breaking away from the band's Piano/Bass/Drums roots, adding synthesizers, a horn section and an orchestra (the powerful Pink Floyd-esque ending on "Regrets"). It's a band being less sarcastic, more serious and growing musically. Unfortunately, the public didn't care and the band broke up after Messner's release. When dealing with the public, always be careful exhibiting artistic growth.

  • Ben Folds Live (2002)
    Ben Folds
    After the breakup of Ben Fold's Five, Ben recorded the fantastic Rockin' the Suburbs which was a departure from everything BFF had done. Ben Folds Live was from a tour supporting Suburbs, but was, for the most part, Ben alone on piano playing stripped-down versions of BFF classics and songs from Suburbs. When doing songs from The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner, Ben gets the audience involved, having them sing vocal parts ("Not the Same") or horn parts ("Army"). Make your audience a part of the show and they will love you for it.

  • Change (2004)
    Sue Foley
    The best guitarist you've never heard of, with a sweet voice that's usually overwhelmed by her gritty instrumental style, Sue Foley throws us a nice curve here with a mellow acoustic set. The result is stunning (plus she's an absolute babe and looks her best on this album cover). Her originals are excellent, her interpretations of Memphis Minnie classics put a nice twist on the originals, but her cover of George Harrison's "Here Comes the Sun" is so unexpected from a blues master that it makes me realize that it's unfair to try to keep her in a 'blues box'. A great musician is a great musician, no matter what she's playing.

  • While I'm not particularly a 'jazz guy', two jazz albums have made a real impact on me.

  • Time Out (1959)
    The Dave Brubeck Quartet
    At it's heart, an experimental jazz album exploring various, non-standard time signatures, Time Out would simply be an oddity if each song didn't stand out as a song and not just some experiment. It wouldn't work if every time you heard "Take Five" you immediately thought of the 5/4 time signature. The point is, musical experimentation is fine, but it still has to be musically compelling or else it's pointless. With intricate melodies and inspired chord progressions, Time Out is anything but pointless

  • Coltrane Plays the Blues (1962)
    John Coltrane
    Giant Steps and A Love Supreme are probably more highly regarded Coltrane albums, but the rich, building complexity of "Mr. Knight" and "Mr. Syms" never fail to grab me. Full of wonderful dynamic changes, Coltrane Plays the Blues is the perfect album for long drives, keeping my mind engaged without being distracting.

  • BOJ


    Wednesday, March 10, 2010

    Don't you worry about Wikipedia; we'll change it when we get home. We'll change a lot of things...

    Apocalypse Cow


    Tuesday, March 09, 2010

    See you later, alligator
    After a while, crocodile
    Okey-dokey, artichoke-y
    Not now, brown cow
    'Til then, Penguin
    Manana, Iguana

    Bobby McFerrin
    "Manana Iguana"
    Spontaneous Inventions


    Thursday, March 04, 2010


    Jack Burton Lines from the Movie Big Trouble in Little China

  • Feel pretty good. I'm not, uh, I'm not scared at all. I just feel kind of... feel kind of invincible.

  • When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, and he looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have ya paid your dues, Jack?" "Yessir, the check is in the mail."

  • Like I told my last wife, I says, "Honey, I never drive faster than I can see. Besides that, it's all in the reflexes."

  • Well, ya see, I'm not saying that I've been everywhere and I've done everything, but I do know it's a pretty amazing planet we live on here, and a man would have to be some kind of FOOL to think we're alone in THIS universe.

  • This is gonna take crackerjack timing, Wang.

  • Would you stop rubbing your body up against mine, because I can't concentrate when you do that.

  • Okay. You people sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we're not back by dawn... call the president.

  • I know, there's a problem with your face.

  • Just remember what ol' Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, and the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big ol' storm right square in the eye and he says, "Give me your best shot, pal. I can take it."

  • Son of a bitch must pay!

  • This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

  • Are you crazy... Is that your problem?

  • BOJ


    Wednesday, March 03, 2010

    I don't know the scientific explanation, but FIRE MADE IT GOOD.

    Flaming Moe


    Tuesday, March 02, 2010

    Oh, no! Don Ho!
    Nurse, I spy gypsies -- run!
    Senile felines
    Now I see bees I won
    UFO tofu
    We panic in a pew
    Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
    God! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!
    Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog

    "Weird" Al Yankovic
    Poodle Hat

    A song I always wanted to perform, but feared the subtlety would be lost on the typical audience unless visual aids were added to the performance.


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    The Bert Convey
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