Monday, August 28, 2006
Sorry, I'm Not Trying to Turn This Into a Game
I wasn't scared about having an MRI at all. Annoyed that they changed my location at the last moment, but not scared. Face it, an MRI is kind of cool. It's all space-age. You get strapped into a tube and these magnets make all of these crazy sounds while the platform you're laying on moves you into position to do the next area of your body. The whole process is fascinating. I loved it.
The meeting with the neurologist on Friday wasn't nearly as much fun, but I did get to look at the images in the office, and that was fascinating in its own way. With an MRI, we could actually see some of the areas that were wrong, that weren't working the way they were supposed to.
The procedure today is commonly known as a spinal tap. They called it something else at the radiology office, but the neurologist referred to it as a spinal tap, so I'm sticking to that. There's nothing fascinating here. It's pretty medieval. I haven't read up on this as it fucking scares the shit out of me. I know this kind of stuff gets done all the time, even in Cheyenne, Wyoming, but not to me. Scary, scary stuff for me anyway.
I have to call a cab to get a ride. The one person in Cheyenne who knows everything that's going on with me won't talk to me anymore. She said she'd give me a ride, but last night I came home to an email that she wasn't going to do that for me. THAT IS COMPLETELY MY FAULT! I'm an asshole. I said things. I shouldn't have said things no matter what state I was in. Worse, 10 minutes later I found my actual feelngs, but it was too late and I was on my way to work. Anger and frustration aren't exactly the same thing. Sometimes I process them in a similar fashion.
In 10 days to two weeks, the spinal tap may confirm what my problem is. Then again, it may not. I apologize if my withholding of information seems like something of a game. It's not a game. If it was, I'd sure try to think of something much more fun. The neurologist is not exactly sure what's going on with me. Ninety percent sure, but not completely sure. The initial diagnosis is not good, the other 10% of things this could be are not good either. The option that we are 90% sure it is is treatable. I'm just not going to invoke the name of my demon until I absolutely have to.
I never blamed you for not taking me. My fault entirely. I'm glad you're still willing to be my friend after that.