Friday, June 30, 2006
Sue Foley Photo Friday
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Oops, you can find out my real name by hitting the link. Now the whole word will know that I am, in reality, Chuck Champagne, Investment Banker from Rhode Island. Curses.....
A Stupid Song About a Cartoon
Wyle E. Coyote is my hero. Think about it. He's smarter than the Roadrunner, who really only has blazing speed on his side. He is able to come up with elaborate plans to catch and eat the Roadrunner, plans THAT SHOULD WORK, but somehow, even the laws of physics conspire against him.
It would be really easy for Wyle E. Coyote to just give up, to move into some desert community and eat garbage like coyotes are known to do, but he doesn't. He keeps at it. He never gives up.
We only see little seven minute vignettes of his life. I imagine the rest of his time is spent writing nasty letters to The ACME Corporation complaining about how that pair of rocket skates he bought didn't perform up to advertised specifications. Also I imagine he goes to England to find the grave of Sir Isaac Newton and lift his leg on it. This is all speculation, of course, but I think the Coyote and I have a lot in common. I've got a pretty good idea of what's in his head.
Then again, I haven't seen any new adventures from him recently. Maybe he did move to the outskirts of Vegas or maybe he got his by a truck. It can't be the last one as I've seen him get hit by a truck on numerous occasions. No, I imagine he's never given up chasing that annoying Roadrunner.
My guess is that the show became unprofitable which is why we don't see it any more. But Wyle E. still chases the Roadrunner because that's the only life he knows.
Rama-Lama Pointless Shit
We have a new marketing person, -------- ------. She will be taking over the marketing for WWE, TNA, UFC, King of the Cage, Pridefighting, nude events and Jerry Springer/anything from NBC Universal.
Can you please have her added to any relevant distribution lists and let your team know that she is responsible for the above PPV products?
That's pretty pointless. My favorite part of the email is that we have someone in charge of marketing nude events. I want that job not so much because I think it'd be cool, but because I could print up business cards:
Thanks, this was fun.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
New Items for Sale!
BOJ Y'all, Just Chillin' on the MBW, Yo!
I hear kids in Cheyenne talking like that. I heard them when I was teaching school too. I've got no trouble with creative self expression, I write a blog, that's my thing. Some people play music or paint or whatever. Cool. I'm all for that. People trying to be creative are generally somewhat influenced by their surroundings. What they do, who they are should give you some clue as to where they're from and their social standing.
Unless you're a high school student. I fail to believe that every kid I run into is a gangsta from the inner city. I cannot believe that any kid I run into in Cheyenne has been to the inner city with the possible exception of Denver and then, well, IT'S DENVER.
I understand that kids that age are imatative by nature. I did it, though I watched way too much Brady Bunch and said "groovy" way too much for a high school senior. Kids are picking this shit up from TV, movies and music.
I have no problem with hip hop and rap music. Any music done to highest level is fantastic. Hip hop and rap are (or at least were) a reflection of a social situation. A culture, a way of speach a dress came along with this music. It was originally a response to a particular environment. It's quite relevant in and of that environment. It loses most of it's relevance in Cheyenne, Wyoming.
It doesn't lose all of it's relevance. At it's best, hip hop and rap music, though it may be of the street is dealing in broader issues that cross regional and social lines. I saw a bit on CMT Crossroads the other night where the band Los Lonley Boys and Ronnie Milsap did a Milsap song as a straight blues. Milsap remarked that it was a story song and its situation crossed cultural lines. Rap and hip hop can do that as well.
But that's not what the kids want. They want songs about gangstas and gats. Yeah, don't forget to take your glock to school, things are tough on the street, yo. Ninety percent of the culture expressed in those songs has nothing to do with the average midwestern high school student.
We did a song that became known as Anysong in P957. The idea started out with JB playing a silly sort of loungy guitar part and singing Snoop Dogg's Gin 'n Juice. I added really cheesy harmonies to make the whole thing sound goofier. Then JB said you could do any song (hence the name) to that guitar part and would add other rap things. I started adding TV theme songs (I'm merely a product of my environment), but tried to make the theme to Giligan's Island sound as hardcore gangsta as possible.
It worked. Why? Who the hell knows what an audience will react to and why but here's what I think. First of all you had four white guys with acoustic instruments rapping, to me, that's freakin' funny. Second we made the hardcore rap sound cheesy and cheesy TV theme songs sound hardcore. Finally, it was sort of an audience participation thing, they knew the songs and joined in. Fun for the whol family!
I love the blues. It's something beautiful that came out of desparation, a refection of a particular situation. While originally that situation was an economic one, it became primarily about emotions, "woman done me wrong" kind of stuff. It moved off of the plantation to the big cities in the 40's and 50's. It became something a little different after that. The deep country blues of the american south still exists, but when it moved to Chicago, Detroit, St. Louis, etc, it became something different, the sound of the street. It was sort of the hip hop of it's day.
Blues travelled the world. It moved to the west coast where the blues has a distinctive, jazz-jump feel. It moved to the piedmont of the mid-atlantic states where it took on an almost country and wester feel. It found itself in England where white boys played it, changed the rhythmic emphasis, added ridiculously long guitar solos and created something entirely new.
Blues travelled the world and it was changed by everyone who touched it, incorporating it into something culturally significant to those who played it. A Londoner wouldn't write about "the Hawk," the cold wind in Chicago that came off of Lake Michigan. A Californian wouldn't write about picking cotton on the plantation. They all did their own things with the music, they added their own cultural references in their original music.
When I see kids imitating the hip hop culture, I don't see any of that. They make references that aren't relevant to their particular situation. It's simply spouting things they've heard in movies and music.
My defense? I've adopted the culture. When kids see a middle aged white guy wear his hat askew and in baggy pants and a fubu sweatshirt, hopefully they'll think it's monumentally uncool and decide the whole scene is uncool and abandon it.
It could happen.
B to the OJ
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Money, It's a Hit
Don't Give Me That Do Goody Good Bullshit
So today I was writing out some bills and I checked my checking account balance on-line. Check it out for yourself, the account number is....... wait a second, I can't give you that! Anyway, I checked my balance and was astonished at how low it was after I'd paid all of my bills.
Then I thought about how pleased I would have been to have that same amount of money in the bank just six months ago. Believe me, with everything I've been through, today's checking account balance should't be something I'm worried about. As an added bonus, more money will appear in my account in a little less than two weeks. I still have to watch my money for the little while that I actually posess it, but financially I've really got no worries.
When I was in college I was talking to a high school kid who was lamenting how seldom he got laid. Since I was getting laid regularly at the time I told him that getting laid was overrated. Funny how it's "overrated" when you're getting it regularly. When you're not, it's seemingly the most important thing in the world.
I guess it's the same with money. When I made money faster than I could spend it, I didn't care about money. When I was living hand to mouth, barely making enough to get by, money was the most important thing in my life. I needed a certain amount every month to survive and I would lay awake at night fretting over it.
Laying awake at night actually led me to applying for the job I have now. I was desperate, applying for work in a field I swore I'd never get into again, for a company that had screwed me over in the past. It was simple desperation, something I never would have done if I'd had enough money to get through one more month.
The same amount of money I was fretting over when I looked at my checking balance today. An amount that will be replenished in about 10 days. It's all about perspective. I just have to change my way of looking at it. Thankfully I get to.
Monday, June 26, 2006
The Stuff That Lives in DHMO
Various health effects and their causes are shown in this
Type of organism
Fun stuff. It's up to you, use DHMO and if you somehow survive the effects of the stuff, enjoy that case of diarrhea that you could get from stuff that can live in DHMO.
The choice is yours.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
From The Onion
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
He's a Natural!
Very good my young apprentice, you've performed well. At this rate you'll be ready for the "Pull My Finger" gag in mere months.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Sue Foley Photo Friday
Thursday, June 22, 2006
My Three Pointless Shit & Sons
Chris Berman 1955 - 2001
We've been without Bermanisms for a number of years now, many of the players listed below are no longer playing in the major leagues. While pointless (this is Thursday, after all), it's fun to look back at Berman's whacky take on the game, and be reminded of some fine ballplayers as well.
Shawn "Little" Abner
Rick "see ya later" Aguilera
Mike "Enough" Aldretti
or Mike "Mario" Aldrete
Doyle "Brandy" Alexander
Dana Allison "Wonderland"
Bill Almon "Joy"
or Bill "Toasted" Almon
Roberto "Remember The" Alomar
Sandy "Remember the other" Alomar Jr.
Brady "Bunch" Anderson
Joaquin "the dog" Andujar
Tony "Brothers In" Armas
Don "Guns of" August
Scott "Hay" Bailes
Mark "Beetle" Bailey
Scott "Tallulah" Bankhead
Floyd "Up and Down the" Bannister
Marty "Grin and" Barrett
Kevin "Small Mouth" Bass
Randy "Large Mouth" Bass
Billy "Lima" Beane
George "Taco" Bell
or George "Liberty" Bell
Bruce "Eggs" Benedict
Andy "Merchant of Venice" Bends
Todd "Mercedes" Benzinger
Damon "Blue" Berryhill
Karl "these are the" Best "of times"
Bud "paint it" Black
Lance "You sank my" Blankenship
Bert "Be home" Blyleven
Bruce Bochte "Ball"
Randy Bockus "is willing"
Wade "Cranberry" Boggs
Barry "U.S." Bonds
Pat "North of the" Borders
Daryl "Please come home to" Boston
Sid "Coffee and" Bream
Greg "Crocodile" Brock
Hubie "Babbling" Brooks
Bob "Bulldog" Bower
Britt "Third Degree" Burns
Randy "Burning" Bush
Brett "Tara" Butler
Greg "life is a" Caderet
Ivan "Bubbling" Calderon
Sylvester "When the swallows return to" Campusano
John "Candyman" Candeleria
Tom "Cotton" Candiotti
Jose "can you see" Canseco
Don "roses" Carman
Mark Carreon "my wayward son"
Ron Cey "Hey"
or Ron "born in the US" Cey
Steve "Kentucky fried" Chitren
Will "The Natural" Clark
Mark "Crystal" Clear
David "Sili-" Cone
Ed "Chick" Correa
Henry "Ava-" Cotto
Jose "Won't you take me on a sea" Cruz
Todd "Carribean" Cruz
Kal "Jack" Daniels
Ron "Oh My" Darling
Eric "The Red" Davis
Glenn "Mr. Outside" Davis
Jody Davis "Eyes"
"Eye of the" Storm Davis
Bill "Hello" Dawley
Jeff Dedmon "Don't wear plaid"
Rob "Bomba" Deer
or Rob "Rein" Deer
Jim "Two sillouhettes on" DeShaies
Bo "Beunos" Diaz
Bill "Doran" Doran
Rich "280z" Dotson
Brian "Number 10" Downing "Street"
Kelly "Churchill" Downs
Curt "Devil with the blue" Dressendorfer
Dan "Salad" Driesen
Mike "Well" Dunne
Leon "Bull" Durham
Jim "Washer and" Dwyer
Lee Elia "Kuriakin"
Dave "Right" Engle
Steve "A bridge too" Farr
"El" Sid Fernandez
Cecil "Is No" Fielder
Curt "Model-T" Ford
Bob "Air" Forsch
John "Generalissimo Franscisco" Franco
"Starvin'" Marvin Freeman
Jim "Bela" Fergosi
Rollie "Chicken" Fingers
Oscar "six-to-five" Gamble
Greg Gagne "with a spoon"
Andres "The Giant" Galarraga
Mike "Leggo" Gallego
Wes "Kenny the" Gardner
Dan "Man from" Gladden
Tom "Heard it through the" Glavine
Dwight "Johnny Be" Gooden
Mark "Amazing" Grace
Mark "Federal" Grant
Johnny "Pass the" Grubb
"Fettucini" Alfredo Griffin
Jose "Mother" Guzman
Tony Gwynn "and bear it"
Moose "Antlers" Haas
Von "Purple" Hayes
Jeff Hamilton "Joe Frank and Reynolds"
Mike Heath "Bar"
Danny "Dung" Heep
or Danny "Uriah" Heep
Dave "Harry and the" Henderson
Tommy "Ben" Herr
Jay "Thurston B." Howell
LaMarr "Where does it" Hoyt
Kent "Buy a vowel" Hrbek
Glenn "Mother" Hubbard
Charles "Moscow on the" Hudson
Tom "Ex-" Hume
Bruce "Patty" Hurst
Garth "Clockwork" Iorg
Bo "Diddley" Jackson
Chris "Bartles &" James
Dion James "and the Belmonts"
Stan "You can" Javier "way"
Gregg "The Hammer" Jeffries
Jimmy "Handyman" Jones
Wally "Absorbine" Joyner
Jimmy "Francis Scott" Key
Dana "Field Goal" Kiecker
Eric "Burger" King
Bob "Yom" Kipper
Ron "Ma and Pa" Kittle
Joe "Wilhelm" Klink
Ray "I dub thee" Knight
Chuck "New Kids On" Knoblauch
or Chuck "Chip off the ol'" Knoblauch
John "I am not a" Kruk
Mike "Izod" LaCoss
Mike Laga "beer"
Steve "Great" Lake
Dennis "Fluorescent" Lamp
Dave "Don't" LaPoint
Tim "Praise the" Laudner
Vance "Common" Law
Al "Cigarette" Leiter
Chet "Bitter" Lemon
Jeff "Sugar Ray" Leonard
Jose Lind "on me"
John "Tonight, let it be" Lowenstein
Ed "Merrill" Lynch
Steve Lyons "and tigers and bears, oh my"
Shane "Connie" Mack
Greg "Appa" Maddux
Bill Madlock "D.A."
Dave "Mary" Magadan
Rick "Junk" Mahler
Candy "Man" Maldanado
Kirt "What was that" Manwaring
Mike Mason "jar"
Don "Welcome Home" Mattingly
Oddibe "Young Again" McDowell
"Me and" Willie McGee
Fred "Crime Dog" McGriff
Mark "Eve of Destruction" McGwire
Bob Melvin "and the Blue Notes"
Jim "Love me two times" Morrison
or Jim "people are strange" Morrison
John "Holy" Moses
Eddie "eat, drink and be" Murray
Tim "Golden" Naehring
Gene "Full" Nelson
Al "Paul" Newman
or Al "-fred E." Newman
Paul "Buenos" Noce
Matt "No" Nokes
Jim "Hanky" Pankovits
Mark "trans-" Parent
Dave "Parallel" Parker
Tony "Jala-" Pena
Melido "Shuffle" Perez
Pasquel "roadmap" Perez
Ken "Goodbye, Mr. " Phelps
Eric "Ker-" Plunk
Jim "Hound dog" Presley
Joe "Actual Retail" Price
Kirby "Union Gap" Puckett
Tim "Purple" Raines
or Tim "Torrential" Raines
Johnny "Manta" Ray
Randy "Ever" Ready
or Randy "Rough and" Ready
Gary Redus "a bedtime story"
Jerry "Rolls" Reuss
Craig Reynolds "wrap"
Jim "Pork Fried" Rice
Jose "Blame it On" Rijo
Cookie "Days of wine and" Rojas
Bruce "2 minutes for" Ruffin
Mark "Tossed" Salas
Juan "play it again" Samuel
Ryne "Carl" Sandberg
Rafael "Evil Ways" Santana
Benito "El Ducce" Santiago
Steve "Alto/Tenor" Sax
Mike "Pre-" Schooler
Bill "Beethoven" Schroeder
Mike "Nova" Scoscia
Rick "Really big" Schu
Mike "Great" Scott
Tom "Leave it to" Seaver
Bob "Ice Station" Sebra
Kevin "Alka" Seitzer
Larry "Satin" Sheets
Eric "Win, place and" Show
Ruben "High" Sierra
Don "On-" Slaught
Darryl "Rhubarb" Strawberry
or Darryl Strawberry "shortcake"
or Darryl Strawberry "Fields Forever"
Andy "Dick" Van Slyke
John "Irish Eyes are" Smiley
Franklin "Ticket" Stubbs
Bruce "3-piece" Sutter
Frank Tanana "daiquiri"
Andres "Doubting" Thomas
Fred Toliver "Twist"
Alan "Have Gun will" Trammel
Manny "Kingston" Trillo
Steve "Rainbow" Trout
John "House of" Tudor
Jose "Game-winning" Uribe
Bobby "Be My" Valentine
Dave "Rudy" Valle
or Dave "Death" Valley
Frank "101 Strings" Viola
Ozzie "like a" Virgil
Tim "Eli" Wallach
Gary "Hospital" Ward
Bob "Intentional" Walk
Mitch "Noah" Webster
Walt "Three blind" Weiss
Bob "Ebony Eye" Welch
Glenn "Surfin' U.S.A." Wilson
Todd "We are the" Worrell
Butch "Oil and" Wynegar
Rich "Not ready" Yett
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
What Happened to Pro Wrestling?
ECW Wrestler, Spike Dudley about to get messed up!
Anyway, I started watching pro wrestling when I was in first grade. My dad was overseas and we were living in my mom's hometown. On Sundays, after church, my sister and I would watch All-Star Wrestling (...with wrestlers from around the globe...) on TV. This was classic early 70's wrestling with the likes of Vern and Greg Gagne, Jesse Venutra, Rick Flair and my favorite, Chief Wahoo McDaniel. Mom got kind of sick of my sister and I yelling so much about wrestling every week that she told us that it was fake.
I was crushed! How could this be? Yet, even at eight years old, it all made sense. These guys were supposedly taking huge ammounts of punishment in the ring but the good guy could always overcome and win in the end. It was the story lines that really clinched it. Good vs. Evil. Good always prevailed unless Evil cheated and even then all was eventually set right in the rematch.
That same formula applied into the 80's when WWF became a phenomenon. Hulk Hogan became a superstar, not just of wrestling but of pop culture in general. There was a Saturday Morning cartoon show in which the story lines weren't any less complex than the story lines played out at every WWF event. Inane to be sure, but damn it, it was clearly defined Good vs. clearly defined Evil and Good won out more times than not.
Then something happened. Hulk Hogan turned bad. He became "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan. Aside here, Hogan began his wrestling career under the name Terry Hogan, taking the nickname "Hulk" because of his enormity. When he turned evil and added a nickname, he added it before a pre-existing nickname. What the fuck is up with that? "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan? Sometimes people refer to me (really, they do) as "Blind" Orange Julius. If I required people to refer to me a "Cowboy" Blind Orange Julius (I do live in Cheyenne, Wyoming for Christ's sake....) someone would come to lock me up. OK, nobody would give a shit, but it would just be a really stupid thing for me to do.
Anyway, Hulk Hogan turned evil, but it was still Good vs. Evil. Sometime after that, though, the whole Good and Evil thing went away. "Good" guys were cheating to win matches every bit as much as "Bad" guys. Obviously it's not a real athletic contest, but the flashy colors of professional wrestling really appeals to 6 year olds, who are learning that cheating is OK, that winning is the only important thing.
I'm sure it wasn't pro wrestling's intent, but they used to be these little, poorly written and acted morality plays in which good always prevailed and if it didn't there was a damn good reason. We've got none of that any more. It's just a bunch of 'roided up behemonths shouting profanities at each other and beating each other with metal chairs while their skanky, scantily clad slutty bitch managers (or whatever the hell they're supposed to be) give us something else to look at when we get bored with the wrestling.
But my biggest beef with professional wrestling is the rules. When I started watching wrestling, there were rules. You couldn't hit someone with a closed fist, wrestler could be counted out of the ring, only one man from each team was allowed in the ring in a tag team match. OK, they were just pretending that there were rules, but in wrestling today they don't even bother to pretend. Other wrestlers come into the ring and interfere and just one guy from each tag team in the ring? Forget about it! It's now four guys just wailing on each other, biting scratching, punching, it's all good baby.
So why do I get worked up about this? In a way I don't, but I find it pretty entertaining. It's my guilty pleasure. I just got back from the theater. I saw Nacho Libre. I watched it because it had Jack Black in it (of THE D!!!!), but mostly because it was about wrestling. I enjoy wrestling. I get to watch it at work. Last week I showed up to work in my ECW t-shirt and my Jeoprardy! cap, sort of my own "duality of man" statement.
I know that wrestling is fake, and have learned to forgive my mother for letting the cat out of the bag (the Chief Wahoo McDaniel autograph that she got for me helped too). I'm an adult, I can make my own decisions on stuff, I can tell when stuff is complete bullshit
This crap is written at a level so it can be enjoyed by grade school kids. That's where I have a problem. Kids can't tell bullshit from the real deal. Kids see their favorite wrestler cheat without consequences and start to think that cheating is acceptable. Start to believe that cheating is OK as long as you don't get caught and come up with better, less obvious ways of cheating.
But, man do I love pro wrestling. I can't help myself. I could spend the next 1000 words discussing the brilliance of Andy Kaufman's wrestling stunts, how he got pro wrestling better than pro wrestling promoters did. I saw Jerry "the King" Lawler in a match against ECW's Taz last week and I couldn't keep from smiling. Lawler got it, was in on it with Kaufman. And even people who knew Andy Kaufman was a complete fraud wanted to believe that Lawler pile-drived (pile-drove?) Kaufman at that match in Memphis. Brilliant! They got it, evil loudmouthed Hollywood boy was punished by noble wrestler. Good defeated Evil on the grandest of stages. People still talk about that shit. Some people still believe it was all real, even after Lawler has publicly stated that it was all a put on.
People wanted to belive it was real, so they did.
Wrestling used to be brilliant. What the hell happened?
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Crazy Freakin' Dreams
While working on an upcoming Food TV series about eating on the road, Alton was involved in a car accident and broke his collar bone. He's been enough of a good sport to provide prictures of himself at the crash site on his website, and I've reposted one here. Best of luck, AB, and I wish you a speedy recovery.
Monday's DHMO post was, in a way, inspired by Alton Brown. I'd had a dream about Alton Brown the previous night in which, in Good Eats style he explained centrifugal uranium enrichment using a salad spinner. Very cool, and I'd actually like to see him do that on his show some time.
I've actually had a lot of really crazy dreams lately, generally having something to do with television. I had a dream that included a commerical for an upcoming Willy Grigg show. I think the show was at Jones Beach in New York, at least the commercial in my dream looked a lot like a Jones Beach TV commercial.
I don't know what any of this means, but it's generally been the most fun I've had in bed without actually Waltzing with the Kaiser.
What's that, 18?
Positive about Steve James
Check out Steve James sometime.
Steve is one of my favorite songwriters in his own right, though. His songs are traditional in their sound, and often in their subject matter. Like any blues songwriter a lot of his songs are about relationships ("The blues started when Adam met Eve"), but it doesn't stop there. In Last Good Car he laments that automobiles aren't what they used to be, that they have a funny little voice that says "put your seatbelt on." I don't think Robert Johnson ever wrote a song quite like that, though he seemed to really like his Terraplane.
Talaco Girl is a beautiful slice of life song about the changes in a small town, "coin laundry got a video game and fire took the grocery store." The Change is an extremely odd song that includes advice given by "celery (that had been) in that mayonaise jar so long that it had discorporated on a molecular level and reincorporated with an intelligence of it's own....." Not exactly standard in your classic country blues song.
He writes the relationship song really well, and like any blues songwriter it is his bread and butter. Grain Alcohol is the only Steve James composition that I've ever attempted to play. It's one of his songs that easy enough for me to play and, frankly, it rings really true with me:
The glass is on the table
The whiskey's in the glass
My fist through the sheet rock
You picture in the trash
My mind in the gutter
My pride before a fall
Adrift on a river of grain alcohol
I don't know where you are tonight
But I bet you're not alone
Don't you worry about me I've got
Freinds of my own
Jim Beam, Johnnie Walker
And four girls named Rose
They don't even care
If I sleep in my clothes
That's all I need
Built for comfort not for speed
I can pick up the pieces
Watch the pieces fall
I live on livin' on
They tell me I'll be gettin'
Over you before long
That I'll live again and love again
But, baby, they're wrong
They say the darkest hour
Is just before the light
I know that for certain
I'm there every night
Not unique, I know. Every guy who's written music has written a song like this. But every guy who's ever heard a song like this swears he knows who it was written about. I'm certain Steve wrote it about an old girlfriend of mine.
While it's probably not my favorite Steve James song, the song I've been thinking about most recently is Banker's Blues. I've toyed with the idea of trying to play it and maybe add an additional verse about Kenneth Lay of Enron fame. I'd have to change it so dramatically to be able to play it with my fat, stupid fingers that I'm not sure I'll ever do it. I really like it the way he does it and changing it to fit my inferior guitar skills would be a crime. The first verse of Banker's Blues sets the tone:
I saw your face on the news today
I seen it there before
And if I'm a judge of character
I'll see it there some more
You got rich off of worthless real estate
And a broke down oil well
But you got friends in the government
And the tax man pays your bills
We see guys like this on the news every day. They bilk the government, investors and shareholders out of millions of dollars. They're criminals, plain and simple. Corporate crime simply isn't treated like other types of crime in this count. ry for some reason:
You and some other criminal
Both stood before the bar
Your fraud it was for millions
He'd stolen a VCR
You pulled probated sentence
And a hundred thousand fine
They sent him back to Huntsville
Where he's serving five to nine
It's age old, the rich don't serve the same penalties. While blues generally tends to be relationship based rather than socially based, this is a recurring theme in blues songs, particularly early blues. Steve James has taken this old theme and updated it. It's still traditional, it still sounds like blues from the 30's, but it's written about a contemporary issue. That, I think, is Steve's strength as a songwriter.
So he's a great songwriter, but I also love his fingerpicking guitar style. He's great as a solo, he also duets with a guitarist named Del Rey and many of his albums feature songs with Steve in an ensemble setting. Always acoustic, but he reminds me how powerful music can be even if it isn't plugged in.
Monday, June 19, 2006
DHMO Update - Heavy DHMO
Bohr model of a Deuterium atom. Cool, huh?
Recently, however, the country of Iran has been working on it's own nuclear program. A prime component of this research? DHMO, of course. Not your garden variety DHMO, but DHMO of the heavy type. Just what does this mean> Well, some or all of the hydrogen atoms in dihydrogen monoxide contain a neutron, making it "heavier" than normal atoms of hydrogen. This isotope of hydrogen is known as Deuterium. DHMO containing Deuterium is heavier than normal DHMO and is used to refine weapons grade nuclear fuel. The technology to make DHMO heavier than normal came from the United States and to some degree Germany during the second world war.
We let the cat out of the bag. The science of heavy DHMO can't be unlearned. That other countries are using this technology can't be a suprise to us.
If there were a worldwide ban on DHMO, Iran's nuclear program would be stopped in its tracks. Sure, we would have to monitor the Iranians to make sure they didn't have any DHMO with which to continue their nuclear program, but we would be well on our way to a safer world.
Banning DHMO would also keep the world's population in check. But that's a topic for another time.
OK, not my best topic, I'll agree, but that Deuterium diagram is really kick-ass, isn't it?
Friday, June 16, 2006
More Ben Folds Lyrics
When Ben Folds Five broke up there was a publishing deal that required Ben to write 4.6 more songs. 4.6? My only guess is that each member of the band (three, not five) was responsible for 4.6 songs, a total of 14.
Ben dutifully sat down and banged out 4.6 songs. I'm not sure how he dealt with a fraction of a song, then again, I've written about one third of Stoneage Man in a Polymer World so I can sort of see it.
Apparently he had to come back from Australia where he now lives to finish this. I've heard he lived up to his obligation. The only song I've heard from this writing session is the first, One Down which was on Ben's solo live album, Ben Folds Live.
I woke up and I dove to work
On the wrong side of the road
And what the hell would I do
I must admit I didn't know
And Andrew came along y'all
To add a couple of lines or so
I got one I finished yesterday
And I got three point six to go
One down and three point six tomorrow
And I'm outta here
One down and three point six tomorrow
And I'm out of here
People tell me Ben just make up junk
And turn it in
But I never was alright
With turning in a bunch of shit
I don't like wasting time
On music that won't make me proud
But now I found a reason
To sit right down and shit some out
One down and three point six tomorrow
And I'm outta here
One down and three point six tomorrow
And I'm out of here
I love your more than
Any man has loved before
I love you more than
All the stars up in the sky
I think that we should settle down
And live happily forever.....
What do you think of that?
I'm really not complaining
I realize it's just a job
And I hate hearing bellyaching rockstars
Whine and sob
'Cuz I could be busin' tables
I could well be punping gas
But I get paid much finer
For playin' piano and kissin' ass
This is one I wrote just an hour ago
And three point six at last
One down and three point six tomorrow
And I'm outta here
One down and three point six tomorrow
And I'm out of here
One down and three point six
One down and three point six tomorrow
And I'm out
I've gotta try to be that creative with my bitching. We'll see next Wednesday.
Sue Foley Photo Friday
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Locomotive Pointless Shit
Damn! I Love Corporate America!!!!
New Orleans Underwater & Parts of it On Fire Bowl
Southern Miss 31
Arkansas State 19
Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Colorado State 30
Fort Worth Bowl
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
UCF 48 (OT)
Motor City Bowl
Champs Sports Bowl
Arizona State 45
MPC Computers Bowl
Boston College 27
Boise State 21
Bowl Name for Sale Bowl
Georgia Tech 10
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl
Vitalis Sun Bowl
South Carolina 31
Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl
Enron Chapter 11 Bowl
NC State 14
South Florida 0
AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Fresno State 24
EV1.net Houston Bowl
Iowa State 24
AT&T Cotton Bowl
Texas Tech 10
Capital One 0% Financing for the First 60 Days Bowl
Tostitos Siesta Sleepy Time Nap Bowl
Ohio State zzzzzzz
Notre Dame zzzzzzz
Nokia Sugar Bowl
West Virginia 38
FedEx Orange Bowl
Penn State 26
Florida State 23 (3 OT)
The Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi
Look for the Globex Corporation presents the BOJ News Service Bowl next year!
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Jacob - The Head of AOL
AOL, what a
bunch of freakin'
The phone rang during the pregame show and I picked it up and said 'hello.' No one was there. I waited a couple of seconds and nobody came on the line. I checked the caller ID and found that the call was from a toll free number, 1-800-827-6364. I called the number and found out that it was AOL.
I forgot about the NBA Finals, this could be a whole lot more fun than any mere basketball game. After working my way through their labrynthine (I can't possibly have spelled that correctly) automated phone service and a 20 minute wait, I was finally connected to a 'consultant.' I asked what was up and why AOL wanted to talk to me. The consultant wanted my account number. I do not now, nor have I ever had an AOL account. I informed the consultant of that fact and demanded that he tell me why AOL had contacted me as I was very eager to find out what this was all about. The consultant could not help me so I asked to speak to his supervisor.
Jacob came on the line a few minutes later. I told Jacob that I needed to know why AOL had contacted me. He told me that he was unable to get that information for me, but after some hemming and hawing he told me he'd find out and call me back. I told him that he could find out while he was on the line with me, see, Jacob was trying to get rid of me, he had no intention of calling me back.
I asked Jacob how he could not give me the information I requested one second and the next second inform me that he'd get the information and call me back. I told Jacob he was not telling me the truth and requested to speak to his supervisor.
Jacob informed me that I couldn't speak to his supervisor. I asked how I could get in touch with his supervisor. At this point thing became a little surreal. Jacob informed me that he didn't have a supervisor. When I asked Jacob is he were the head of AOL, he informed me that I was correct.
Cool! I'm talking to the head of AOL! He works in the call center on Tuesday nights! What a progressive company. Being a busy man, controlling such a large corporation and what not, Jacob was through talking to me and hung up on me.
HUNG UP ON ME?!?!?
That don't fly with BOJ, gentle readers, so I immediately called back. After all of the bullshit required to talk to an actual person, I again reached a consultant. We went through the whole bullshit about my account number again, but I cut him short and asked to speak to Jacob. Jacob was not avaliable, this I understand as Jacob was probably off making earth shattering decisions as he is, as we know now, the head of AOL. With Jacob unavaliable, I asked to speak with another supervisor. The consultant put me on hold coming back a few seconds later and informing me that his supervisor wouldn't come over. Not couldn't come over, he was avaliable, he simply chose not to talk to me. When I inquired as to what the fuck was up with that, the consultant hung up on me.
HUNG UP ON ME?!?!?
What the hell has happened to customer service in this country? If I really expected anything to happen in this pointless I'd have been really pissed off. I called back one more time finally getting to yet another consultant. I guess. Probably, I mean I just left the phone off the hook after I got on hold. Infintile I know, but at least I got to watch the rest of the game.
So this morning I called 1-800-827-6364 yet again. This time I talked to a very friendly guy named Harley. Harley put me on their "Do Not Call" list but what I really wanted was to talk to someone in charge of call centers. Harley gave me an address that I could send a letter to. When I inquired about a name of who I should address this compalaint to, I was informed that if I put a name on it, it would never get to the person it needed to get to. What kind of bizzaro-fucking-universe does AOL exist in? The head of the company answers phones on Tuesday evenings and addressed mail doesn't get to who it's addressed to. Still, Harley was much more helpful than the 3 people I'd talked to up to this point. Definitely 'employee of the month' as far as I'm concerened.
After a little research, I found a phone number for AOL's corporate offices in Dulles, VA. Since I don't pay any addtional charges for long distance, I gave a call and eventually got ahold of a woman named Ginger. Since Harley will be 'employee of the month' for June, Ginger will have to wait until July. She was unbelievably helpful. I told her the whole story of what had happened and she requested that I make a complaint, particularly about Jacob. We think we've narrowed down what call center he works in and since we know about what time all of this happend, we know what shift he works on. And here's a real shocker, it turns out that Jacob isn't actually the head of AOL and he does have a superior or two withing their corporate structure. So he lied to me about getting the information I requested and he lied about his position within the company. I'm shocked, shocked I tell you about what happened here.
I any case, I requested that AOL get back in touch with me so that I know how this is all resolved. If they do not in a day or two, I will contact Ginger as I have her phone number and email address.
This will get taken care of. AOL doesn't realize who they're dealing with here. I'm a guy who regularly sits down at a computer and just bangs away for an hour or more, posting minutiae about his pathetic life. I gots the time, baby. I gots the time to hound people until I get the answers I need.
Not that it will do any good. AOL will continue to treat other people like shit on the phone. They won't do it to me anymore, but they could do it to you. Yeah, it's easy to just hang up on these annoying calls and just let it pass. If a telemarketer calls you for any reason they want you to do one of two things. They want you to purchase the goods or services they are offering, failing that, they want you to hang up immediately so they can go on to the next person.
Don't do it. Don't hang up, particularly if you don't have anything better to do at the moment. Waste as much of their time as possible. Ask questions, hell actually act interested. Ask them if they can hold on for a second, go to the bathroom, come back and ask if their still there. My personal record is keeping a telemarketer on the phone for 28 minutes (estimated) then at the end telling them I was deiliberately wasting their time.
I know it didn't do any good in the long run, but while they were talking to me, they didn't bother about 20 other people. I'm taking one for the team.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Not So Random Ben Folds Lyric
The sun's comin' up
She's pullin' the blankets over
Curled in a ball
Like she's hiding from me and
That's when I know
She's gonna be pissed when she wakes up
For terrible things I did to her
In her dreams
Songs For Silverman
It's like he has a crystal ball and can see into those magical 1046 days.....
A Brief Positive Tuesday
Then I'm Spending the Rest of the Day Outside
I'm doing three loads of laundry. There's a washer and dryer inthe basement and with just three of us living in the building, it's not too difficult to get a lot of laundry on any given day. Tim from work has the same days off as me and we usually discuss who's going to do laundry so we're not stepping on each other. The woman who lives between us works more traditional hours and does her laundry at night when Tim and I are at work.
The washer and dryer are coin operated and I could probably save money and time by going to a laundromat, but I'll glady pay for covenience. There's a clothesline in the back yard and last week I bought some clothes pins and hung one of my loads. This week I'm just gonna hang everything. Since the dryer doesn't work real well anyway, I'm probably saving 4 bucks by doing a little bit of the work myself. I'll pay for convenience, but I don't mind doing a little work myself either. Plus my clothes smell so much better when they've hung on the line. Cheyenne is a refinery town, however so caution must be used or my clothes could end up smelling like sulfur and methane. Not the most pleasant smell, but since I live upwind from the refinery it's seldom a problem. Work is a problem sometimes, as I often leave work smelling like a coal miner.
Once I get the laundry done I may head out to the park to play a little guitar. You know, shock the local youngsters with explicit lyrics. Maybe I'll take a little bike ride. It's just to nice of a day to sit here writing this crap anymore.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Don't Drop Hydroxyl Acid
While I do not have the actual numbers in front of me, I can say, with confidence, that a signifcant percentage of US residents use DHMO every day. Addicted? I don't know, but I know that some people just can't go on without their daily DHMO "fix." I've seen smokers go a day or more without a cigarette. Tough? You bet! The average DHMO user will show significant health effects when deprived of the substance after one day, death usually occurring after three days of deprivation.
The sad part about DHMO addiction is that it wasn't the choice of most abusers. It's everywhere, it's in nearly all food products you buy. I looked on the ingridents on a bottle of "pure" spring water at the mini mart last night. There was DHMO prominently displayed in the ingredients.
And yet the government does nothing. They publicly state that DHMO isn't the problem. The goverment has painstakingly tried to reduce impurities in DHMO around the country. Their position seems to be "DHMO isn't the problem, unclean DHMO is the problem." Tell that to the thousands of people who die every year from DHMO inhilation. Even the cleanest, purest DHMO is a proven killer.
Rise up people! Let those who represent you at every level of government know that the insanity has to stop! We need to change the laws, to outlaw DHMO in the food industry.
And be an informed consumer. Look at the ingredients of every food product you buy. If it contains DHMO, put it back. Not only will you prevent an unhealthy addiction, but I predict you'll save lots and lots of money on your next grocery bill.
And kids, I can't stress this enough:
Don't drop Hydroxyl Acid
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Trojan Ball Buster
While I didn't find exactly what I was looking for, I did find a really cool game called Trojan Ball Buster which has, for some reason become an all consming passion this weekend.
A lot of corporate websites have been adding games for surfers to play. I'm not really sure of the logic behind this, Trojan Ball Buster hasn't really given me any insigt into the company's fine line of products like Trojan Warm Sensations - with a heating lubricant activated by body moisture or Trojan Magnum - larger than standard latex condoms for extra comfort & tapered at the base for a secure fit.
Anyway, if you're in the mood to bust some balls, check out Trojan Ball Buster. Think Tetris with condoms, try to line up three like colored condoms (sometimes four..)in a straight line to make them pop. OK, I don't know why Trojan would have a game on their website that featured popping condoms, but they have so enjoy. It's the best time you'll ever have with a busted condom.....
Friday, June 09, 2006
Sue Foley Photo Friday
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Mavericks To Incorporate Machetes Into Hack-A-Shaq Defense
Who says there's no 'D' in the NBA?
"The X's and O's of it are pretty simple," Johnson said, drawing up the play on his dry-erase board. "Once Dwayne Wade passes the ball to Shaq down low, [point guard] Jason [Terry] will drop down to double-team him and chop the backs of Shaq's legs, especially the femoral artery and the Achilles tendon, with his lighter machete. Dirk [Nowitzki], while he's doing that, you will curl off your man and go for O'Neal's collarbones with an overhand chopping motion of your Latin machete. By the third quarter, Shaq will have lost a significant amount of blood, and that's when Keith [Van Horn] and [Josh] Howard will be stabbing at O'Neal's kidneys and the sensitive insides of his elbows with their respective weapons—Van Horn with his Bolo Machete and Josh with his Double-Edge Machete. Meanwhile, [center] DeSagana [Diop], who I understand brought his own Panga Machete from home, will be carving O'Neal's ribs."
The Heat plan to retaliate with a unspecified defensive strategy against Mavericks' star Dirk Nowitzki that they're refering to as "Berserk-a-Dirk."
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
In A Godda da Pointless Shit
Dec. 29, 2005 Oklahoma 17, Oregon 14
Dec. 30, 2004 Texas Tech 45, California 31
Dec. 23, 2003 Washington State 28, Texas 20
Dec. 27, 2002 Kansas State 34, Arizona State 27
Dec. 28, 2001 Texas 47, Washington 43
Dec. 29, 2000 Oregon 35, Texas 30
Dec. 30, 1999 Kansas State 24, Washington 20
Dec. 30, 1998 Arizona 23, Nebraska 20
Dec. 29, 1997 Colorado State 35, Missouri 24
Dec. 30, 1996 Colorado 33, Washington 21
Dec. 29, 1995 Kansas State 54, Colorado State 21
Dec. 30, 1994 Michigan 24, Colorado State 14
Dec. 30, 1993 Ohio State 28, Brigham Young 21
Dec. 30, 1992 Hawaii 27, Illinois 17
Dec. 30, 1991 Brigham Young 13, Iowa 13
Dec. 29, 1990 Texas A&M 65, Brigham Young 14
Dec. 29, 1989 Penn State 50, Brigham Young 39
Dec. 30, 1988 Oklahoma State 62, Wyoming 14
Dec. 30, 1987 Iowa 20, Wyoming 19
Dec. 30, 1986 Iowa 39, San Diego State 38
Dec. 22, 1985 Arkansas 18, Arizona State 17
Dec. 21, 1984 Brigham Young 24, Michigan 17
Dec. 23, 1983 Brigham Young 21, Missouri 17
Dec. 17, 1982 Ohio State 47, Brigham Young 17
Dec. 18, 1981 Brigham Young 38, Washington State 36
Dec. 19, 1980 Brigham Young 46, Southern Methodist 45
Dec. 21, 1979 Indiana 38, Brigham Young 37
Dec. 22, 1978 Navy 23, Brigham Young 16
Now use your time machine, go back in time, and place bets. Fun for the whole family!
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
I Demand You All Like What I Like
Sue Foley has a new album out, James Harman had a new one out about a year ago, but unlike someone who likes Jessica Simpson, I can't just go down to Wal-Mart and buy a CD by one of my favorite artists. I find very little music I like in Wal-Mart and hate going there anyway, not because of some sort of "protect the small local businesses" bullshit, but because the parking lot is like a a demolition derby. Towns who don't want a Wal-Mart in their community are going about it all wrong. Don't try to vote to keep Wal-Mart out, just do everything you can to get rid of NASCAR. Defeat NASCAR and Wal-Mart will follow.
OK, so a crappy lowest common denominator retailer won't carry music I like. Like I really expected it to. But I went to the only real record store in town and they didn't have it. It was a sort of alternative record store, you know, lots of inscense and black light posters, and I really didn't expect them to have the latest Sue Foley release, but it was my only option in Cheyenne. Sure, they could order it for me, but other people don't have to go through this kind of hassle to listen to music they like. Nope, if everyone just liked what I liked, even Wal-Mart would carry CD's by Sue Foley, James Harman, Abby Someone, Supafloss, Steve James, Ben Folds (actually I think you can find his CD's there), Corey Harris, Susan Tedeschi, John Valby, etc.
And if everyone liked what I liked, Sue Foley would play concerts closer than Livingston Fucking Montana. I'd have gone, too, but it was like a 700 mile drive and I had to work that day. No, Sue would play at one of the local bars that converted from having only country acts after the world conformed to my tastes. She'd probably even stay at my place because I really like myself and if everyone liked the same things as me, Sue would like me as much as I do.
Those are selfish reasons, of course. It would make things easier for me if everyone liked what I do, but more importantly some very talented people would finally get the fame and fortune they deserve. I'm listening to Ben Folds right now. He made a splash about six years ago with great singles like Brick, The Battle of Who Could Care Less and One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces. Most people probably figure Ben is retired now (although I saw him on an episode of the cool show Love Monkey this season). But since the album Whatever and Ever, Amen, Ben Folds Five released The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner and after the breakup of BFF, Ben realeased solo albums Rockin' the Suburbs, a great live solo album called Ben Folds Live (not the most clever title, I know, but the "L" in Live is an upside down and backwards "F" and the font is the same that BFF used on all of their album covers) and his fantastic latest release Songs for Silverman. His career's not over, he's making music as good or better than people knew who he was. Anyone who can write songs like Landed and Gracie deserve notice, credit and accolades.
I could write something similar about any musicians I listen to a lot. My life would be a lot poorer without the music of Abby Someone, Steve James and the like. I think everyone else is a little poorer for not knowing about them. The artists themselves are, of course poorer in a different sense. The music I like tends to be made by musicians who are really doing it for the music. I'd just like to see them get all the great things they deserve.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
If She Could Only Play Guitar.....
Now the makers of Hollow Man had the right idea. The movie is about a military experiment to create an invisible soldier. This movie featured Kevin Bacon & Elisabeth Shue, but the producers made the choice to make Kevin Bacon invisible, making the lovely Elisabeth Shue completely visible in every scene (though not nearly enough scenes) she was in.
Sue Foley, of course, remains completely visible throughout her performances. See, she gets it. I know, I know, the point is moot as invisibility is technically impossible. But I hope if some mad scientist offered it to her that she wouldn't take it, unless it was to sneak peeks of me naked. See, it's not quite so creepy when a woman does it to a man. OK, it's just a little bit creepy.....
Monday, June 05, 2006
Friday, June 02, 2006
Sue Foley Photo Friday!!!!
I may have skipped Mega-Bitch Wednesday this week, but did anybody really believe I'd forget about Sue Foley Photo Friday?
I didn't think so.