Thursday, February 25, 2010

 

Free Advice to Women from My Past

This is completely pointless, no woman from my past will ever read this, but it makes me feel better. In the interest of fairness, I'm not using any names, though each piece of advice is specific for (at least) one woman. Those who've been around me during some of these relationships may find it fun to match the advice to a specific woman...

  • There are other ways to show affection
    I appreciate the attention, particularly that kind of attention, but there are other ways to show affection, let's try some of those.

  • If you want me to know stuff about you, answer questions
    Since you didn't talk about yourself or were evasive when I asked questions, I figured that you didn't want me to know anything in depth about you. Then one of the myriad reasons you gave me for breaking up with me was "you don't get me." Go figure...

  • You're smarter than me. It's a compliment. Deal with it.

  • If you're leaving then leave
    If you mean it then I want you to

    Hotel Lights

    "Follow Through"
    Hotel Lights

  • Your boobs are only small because you think they are
    I dated a girl later who had smaller boobs. I mentioned that to her and she said "they're not small." They weren't because she didn't think they were. Attitude.

  • Your boobs are large, I'm not the only man who's noticed
    Every guy you work with mentioned it to me. I never brought it up. I really am the good guy in this.

  • You were a 'College Republican,' so what...
    I can't believe that the worst thing any man has ever done in a relationship was to mention that you were in an organization that does not reflect your current political affiliation.

  • That game you and your friends played trying to get men to do menial tasks for you may have been 'fun' for you, but it's mean
    ...and it's sick. You wanted me to leave my apartment, drive to your place of work and bring you a soda from the machine in your lobby? That's pretty fucking twisted. You tried to make me feel like an ass for not doing it. Then I find out it's just a game you played to fuck with men. Thanks for giving Social Workers from Iowa a bad name. And, no, I won't pay for your fucking sofa either.

  • When you break up with me, I'd like a reason why
    I'm trying to improve myself here...

  • If you tell me right off that "This will end badly" it probably will

  • Please don't ever treat any other man like this
    This one is general and applies to every woman I've been involved with.


  • BOJ

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    Wednesday, February 24, 2010

     
    And this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster... Lisa! Get in here. In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!






    The PTA Disbands
    [2F19]

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    Tuesday, February 23, 2010

     
    I'm primitive, I'm a primitive man
    I got a primitive girl, we make primitive love
    I'm a stoneage Romeo, I got a spaceage Juliet
    We make primitive love, 'cause I ain't got a T.V. set


    Hoodoo Gurus
    "Mars Needs Guitars"
    Mars Needs Guitars

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    Thursday, February 18, 2010

     

    Convenience Store Chains That Sound Like Euphemisms for One-Night-Stands

  • Get -n- Go

  • Pump -n- Pak

  • AM/PM

  • Cum -n- Go


  • BOJ

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    Wednesday, February 17, 2010

     
    Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!






    Team Homer
    [3F10]

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    Tuesday, February 16, 2010

     
    I'm going to Africa
    Yes ma'am I'm a brick
    Was President Lincoln okay?
    Mitten
    There's a dog in the vent
    Chicken necks
    I pick Ken Griffey Jr.
    I fell out 2 times
    I'm pedaling backwards
    This snowflake tastes like fish sticks
    We're a totem pole
    Dying tickles
    I heard a Frankenstein lives there
    She's touching my special area
    Go banana

    Ralphie Ralphie
    Get off get off
    The stage the stage
    Sweetheart sweetheart

    Oh say can you rock?

    I'm a pop sensation
    I'm a pop sensation


    Bloodhound Gang
    "Ralph Wiggum"
    Heavy Fine

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    Thursday, February 11, 2010

     

    Cool Names for Businesses in The Simpsons Springfield

  • Bloodbath and Beyond
    Gun Store

  • The Texas Cheesecake Depository
    Restaurant

  • The Hungry Hun
    German Restaurant

  • I Can't Believe It's a Law Firm
    Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law

  • Alien, Overlord and Taylor
    Oops, that one's from Futurama

  • El Clinico Magnifico
    Homer's Spine Adjustment Center (featuring the amazing Spine-O-Cylinder)

  • Le Snotterie
    Fancy Restaurant

  • One Size Fits All Lingerie
    Conveniently located in the Springfield Mall

  • The Beer -n- Brawl
    Dive Bar out in Spittle County


  • BOJ

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    Wednesday, February 10, 2010

     
    I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over fifty. And if its speed dropped, the bus would explode! I think it was called... "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."






    The Springfield Files
    [3G01]

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    Tuesday, February 09, 2010

     
    Uh - I was in my room
    And I was just like staring at the wall thinking 'bout everything
    But then again I was thinking about nothing.
    And then my Mom came in,
    And I didn't even know she was there.
    She called my name
    But I didn't hear her.
    Then she started screaming, "Mike, Mike!"
    And I go, "What? What's the matter?"
    She goes, "What's the matter with you?!"
    I go, "There's nothin' wrong Mom."
    She goes, "Don't tell me that, you're on drugs!"
    I go, "No Mom, I'm not on drugs.
    I'm okay, I'm just thinking, you know.
    Why don't ya give me a Pepsi?"
    She goes, "No, you're on drugs!"
    I go, "Mom, I'm okay, I'm just thinking."
    She goes, "No, you're not thinking, you're on drugs!
    Normal people don't act in that way!"
    I go, "Mom, just give me a Pepsi please,
    All I want is a Pepsi."
    And she wouldn't give it to me!
    All I wanted was a Pepsi!
    Just one Pepsi!
    And she wouldn't give it to me!
    Just a Pepsi!

    They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
    Tied around your back, you're treated like thieves
    Drug you up because they're lazy
    It's too much work to help a crazy

    I'm not crazy - Institutionalize
    You're the one who's crazy - Institutionalize
    You're driving me crazy - Institutionalize

    They stuck me in an institution
    Said it was the only solution
    To give me the needed professional help
    To protect me from the enemy, myself


    Suicidal Tendencies
    "Institutionalized"
    Suicidal Tendencies

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    Sunday, February 07, 2010

     

    Fake Gambling Results - Week 21

    It was a fun Fake Gambling year. Tune in this August for more Fake Gambling!

  • New Orleans vs. Indianapolis (-4.5) (MGM-Mirage Line): -$200

  • New Orleans vs. Indianapolis OVER (56.5): -$200

  • Super Bowl XLIV MVP - Peyton Manning (Pays 2/3): -$100

  • Super Bowl XLIV MVP - Darren Sharper (Pays 28/1): -$5

  • Drew Brees PassIng yardage total is EVEN: +$50

  • Pierre Thomas total rushing yardage OVER (60.5): -$20

  • Devery Henderson longest reception OVER (22.5): -$20

  • Joseph Addai touchdown YES: +$50

  • Dallas Clark total receptions OVER (6.5): +$20

  • First touchdown Pierre Garcon (Pays 10/1): +$100

  • Pete Townsend "windmill" moves during halftime show UNDER (5): -$5

  • Who will the Super Bowl MVP thank first? GOD (Pays 4/5): -$40





  • Week 21 Against the Spread: 0-1
    Week 21 Over/Unders: 0-1
    Week 21 Parlays: 0-0
    Week 21 Prop Bets: 4-8

    Season Against the Spread: 22-31-1
    Season Over/Unders: 7-6
    Season Parlays: 0-5
    Balance for Week 21: -370
    Total Amount Remaining: $350


    BOJ

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    Thursday, February 04, 2010

     

    Best Anchors/Anchor Duos of Weekend Update on NBC's Saturday Night Live

    1. Dennis Miller 1985-1991
      Some of the smartest political satire in the history of television.

    2. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler 2004-2005
      I realize my "thing" for Tina Fey is probably clouding my judgement a bit. Objectively, Update's first all female anchor team was consistently first-rate.

    3. Chevy Chase 1975-1976
      The originator. More a stylistic parody of a newscast than a comical look at the news.

    4. Norm MacDonald 1994-1997
      Norm consistently provided some of the best sophomoric giggles in Update history. "Which proves my theory, Germans love David Hasselhoff."

    5. Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey 2000-2004
      I'm gaining more respect for Jimmy Fallon, but, as an anchor, he couldn't hold a candle to Amy Poehler.

    6. Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd 1977-1978
      While Chevy Chase was doing a stylistic parody of a newscast, Dan Aykroyd was nailing the role of anchor. Jane Curtin provided an excellent foil. The tension on set of two anchors who had no respect for each other was delicious.

    7. Colin Quinn 1998-2000
      When Norm MacDonald was fired from SNL, Quinn inherited the Update desk and performed admirably.

    8. Amy Poehler & Seth Myers 2006-2008
      Seth Myers replacing Tina Fey on Update was a drop off, but he and Poehler played off of each other well.

    9. Seth Myers 2009-Present
      I really like Seth Myers in this role. He's smart and consistently funny.

    10. Charles Rocket 1980-1981
      The 1980-1981 season was abysmal, but Charles Rocket's bombastic anchor was at least reason to tune in. (During this season, the news segment was known as "The Rocket Report")


    BOJ

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    Wednesday, February 03, 2010

     
    Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!






    Last Exit to Springfield
    [9F15]

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    Tuesday, February 02, 2010

     

    Fake Gambling - Week 21

  • New Orleans vs. Indianapolis (-4.5) (MGM-Mirage Line): $200

  • New Orleans vs. Indianapolis OVER (56.5): $200


  • Well that was simple. Yet, I feel wasteful. I mean, I still have $320 left to wager. It'd be a shame not to bet that money on something (the folliwing are actual wagers...).

  • Super Bowl XLIV MVP - Peyton Manning (Pays 2/3): $100

  • Super Bowl XLIV MVP - Darren Sharper (Pays 28/1): $5

  • Drew Brees PassIng yardage total is EVEN: $50

  • Pierre Thomas total rushing yardage OVER (60.5): $20

  • Devery Henderson longest reception OVER (22.5): $20

  • Joseph Addai touchdown YES: $50

  • Dallas Clark total receptions OVER (6.5): $20

  • First touchdown Pierre Garcon (Pays 10/1): $10

  • Pete Townsend "windmill" moves during halftime show UNDER (5): $5

  • Who will the Super Bowl MVP thank first? GOD (Pays 4/5): $40





  • Week 21 Stake: $720
    Week 21 Wagered: $720



    BOJ

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    In ancient rome
    There was a poem
    About a dog
    Who found two bones
    He picked at one
    He licked the other
    He went in circles
    He dropped dead

    Freedom of choice
    Is what you got
    Freedom from choice
    Is what you want


    Devo
    "Freedom of Choice"
    Freedom of Choice

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