Tuesday, June 01, 2010
American Voices
From The Onion:
BOJ
Talking Head Suing Florida Governor
Musician David Byrne is suing Florida governor and U.S. Senate candidate Charlie Crist for allegedly using the Talking Heads song "Road To Nowhere" in a campaign commercial without securing the proper clearances. What do you think?
Roy Wolff
Security Consultant
"That's a bad move. Everybody knows that if you want to win in Florida it's Emilio Estefan all the way."
Lydia Cheffins
Bar Tender
"But I always do what the Talking Heads tells me. When I heard them in that Dial soap commercial, I ditched Ivory after years of loyalty!
Allen Mattson
Ton-Container Filler
"Sorry, I'm not too up on my Florida politics. Does Charlie Crist want to build an actual road to nowhere?"
"Blind Orange" Julius
Blog Idiot
"I can't believe a Republican isn't using the Head's classic, Life During Wartime."
BOJ
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
From The Onion:
BOJ
Costner Tests Water-Cleaning Device In Gulf
A new kind of centrifuge that may be able to remove oil from water at rates of up to 200 gallons per minute has been financed by actor Kevin Costner and will be tested in an effort to clean up the BP oil spill. What do you think?
Peter Gunn
Systems Analyst
"The centrifuge enters the water, charms the oil into falling in love with it, then takes it out of that small-town ocean."
Laura Sanford
Landscaper
"That really beats the pants off Randy Quaid and his 4-gallon-a-minute centrifuge."
Pete Sanford
Registered Nurse
"It’s the least he can do considering Swing Vote was a major reason my last shrimp farm went belly-up. Long story."
"Blind Orange" Julius,
Blog Idiot
"Blah - blah - blah - blah Waterworld! Ha, ha, ha, ha..."
BOJ
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
From The Onion:
BOJ
Taliban Claim Dud Bomb
The Pakistani Taliban claimed responsibility on an Islamist website for a car bomb that failed to detonate in Times Square this weekend. What do you think?
Tim Bowman
Pigment Mixer
"In the spirit of candor, I should say that I too wrestled with failure while launching my own small bomb-making business."
Traci Poole
Drum Platerr
"Christianity also teaches acceptance of our failures and the use of websites. Maybe we are not so different after all."
Al Floyd
Rock Drill Operator
"The firecrackers and barbecue-grill propane tanks are a dead giveaway. Wait, you said South Carolina Taliban, right?"
"Blind Orange" Julius,
Blog Idiot
"You think that's failure? I was once involved with a social worker from Iowa after previously being involved with a social worker from Iowa."
BOJ
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Monday, April 26, 2010
From The Onion:
BOJ
'South Park' Creators Threatened By Extremists
In response to a South Park episode in which the Prophet Muhammad appears in a bear costume, the radical Muslim website Revolutionmuslim.com hinted that the TV show’s creators would end up like murdered Dutch filmmaker Theo Van Gogh. What do you think?
Alex Weber,
Systems Analyst
"This ultimately boils down to a very thorny question of intercultural sensitivity: Should Islamic extremists be allowed to kill whoever they want?"
Carla Davidson,
Nitrator Operator
"It scares me when people don't think bears are hilarious."
Doug Reber,
Unemployed
"The 23rd Surah of the Quran explicitly describes the Prophet receiving Allah's word while wearing a bear suit for his niece's fourth birthday party, so I'm not sure where the offense is."
"Blind Orange" Julius,
Blog Idiot
"There's a lot of ways I could go here, but the most obvious one is: 'Oh my God! You killed Trey and Matt! You Bastards!'"
BOJ
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
From The Onion:
North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles
BISMARCK, ND—The stage was set for another international showdown Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that the remote, isolationist state of North Dakota is in possession of a large stockpile of nuclear missiles.
Within hours of the announcement, U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan urged North Dakota to abandon its program.
"This is clearly an excessive number of weapons for a place like North Dakota to possess," Annan said. "In this post-Cold War environment, we should be moving away from nuclear proliferation among developing states."
"North Dakota, still in its cultural infancy, cannot be trusted to responsibly handle weapons of mass destruction," French President Jacques Chirac said. "We are talking about a place that doesn't even have a Thai restaurant or movie theater that shows foreign films, but still they have the resources to build thousands of warheads. Do not believe their claims of being 'The Peace Garden State.'"
According to Chirac, North Dakota's development of nuclear arms "represents a grave threat to peaceful states the world over, none more so than its longtime neighbor and rival across the 45th Parallel, South Dakota."
"The South Dakotans, while a simple people themselves, are friendly, hospitable, and far more in touch with the outside world," Chirac said. "Many people, myself included, have passed through and seen the Badlands and Mount Rushmore. North Dakota, on the other hand, is a bleak, racially homogeneous state that few people ever enter or exit."
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
From The Onion:
Obama Debuts Annoying Catchphrase
WASHINGTON—In an unexpected turn of events that even his most ardent supporters are calling extremely ill-advised, President Obama, known for his simple yet stirring slogan "Yes we can," debuted a new, extremely annoying catchphrase Monday during an address on proposed economic policy reform, saying, "It is time for America to move forward, not backward—and in conclusion, hot diggity ding dang!" The new catchphrase, White House officials announced, will replace the former slogan as the focal point of the president's public image effective immediately, and will be implemented in all appearances, official correspondence, and executive paperwork from now until at least mid-2012. Publicity materials featuring the wince-inducing phrase—and picturing Obama smiling wildly and giving a double thumbs-up to the camera—were distributed this week to thousands of media outlets. "We have no idea why he's chosen to do this," said former Obama supporter Kyle Hammersley. "It's unbelievably irritating." "Hot diggitty ding dang" was reportedly selected by Obama and his advisers from a final list of potential taglines that also included "Hanker down—soup's on!" "That's what the doctor told me!" and "Mama mia, where's-a mah pizza?!"
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Thursday, January 01, 2009
From The Onion:
New Software Yellows Neglected Digital Photos Over Time
ROCHESTER, NY—Eastman Kodak released an imaging software package that yellows, fades, and even loses digital photos over time Monday. "With the click of a mouse, Fotomatshop will make your digital photographs crease, develop fingerprint spots, and even stick together in their 'virtual shoebox,'" Kodak president Antonio Perez said. "It even has motion-blur and redden-eye features." The software takes a week to process 26 digital photos, and charges $9.95 per use.
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
From The Onion:
Typo In Proposition 8 Defines Marriage As Between 'One Man And One Wolfman'
SACRAMENTO, CA—Activists on both sides of the gay marriage debate were shocked this November, when a typographical error in California's Proposition 8 changed the state constitution to restrict marriage to a union between "one man and one wolfman," instantly nullifying every marriage except those comprised of an adult male and his lycanthrope partner. "The people of California made their voices heard today, and reaffirmed our age-old belief that the only union sanctioned in God's eyes is the union between a man and another man possessed by an ungodly lupine curse," state Sen. Tim McClintock said at a hastily organized rally celebrating passage of the new law. But opponents, including Bakersfield resident Patricia Millard—who is now legally banned from marrying her boyfriend, a human, non-wolfman male—claim it infringes on their civil liberties. "I love James just as much as a wolfman loves his husband," Millard said. "We deserve the same rights as any horrifying mythical abomination." On the heels of the historic typo, voters in Utah passed a similar referendum a week later, defining marriage as between one man and 23 wolfmen.
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Monday, December 15, 2008
From The Onion:
Scientists Warn Large Earth Collider May Destroy Earth
BATAVIA, IL—In October, Fermilab scientists joined a growing number of physicists around the world in warning that the Very Large Earth Collider—a $117 billion electromagnetic particle accelerator built to study astronomical phenomena by colliding Earth into various heavenly bodies—could potentially destroy Earth when it sends the planet careening headlong into Mars, Jupiter, or even the sun.
"The Large Earth Collider will surely gain us priceless scientific insight by offering a brief glimpse of the universe at the moment of its destruction," Fermilab director Gordon Josephs said. "But because the Collider achieves this by hurdling Earth into another large celestial object, there are some who feel the risks associated with annihilating our world are too high. All I know for certain is that this rigorous debate will only end when we activate the VLEC, make the Earth collide with another planet, and obtain results through firsthand observation."
"That's just good science," Josephs added.
(more)
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Thursday, December 11, 2008
From The Onion:
Jerry Jones Probably Thinking About Signing Michael Vick
DALLAS—Dallas head coach Wade Phillips speculated Wednesday that if recent history is any indicator, Jerry Jones is "almost certainly" considering the option of signing former Falcons quarterback and current incarcerated felon Michael Vick to the Cowboys. "Mike Vick is a guy who not only holds the same values as Jerry, but epitomizes what the Cowboys mean to the NFL," Phillips said. "Jerry has set up our program so that any thug, gangster, or hooligan can immediately make a contribution, not just to this team, but to this community. And while Jerry doesn't put much emphasis on criminal records and statistics, I know that he's always been impressed with what Vick has achieved." Jones was unavailable for comment as he was conducting contract negotiations with an expert in discreetly overriding ankle monitors.
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
From The Onion:
Donald Fagen Defends Steely Dan To Friends
"Look, I understand. It's an acquired taste," Fagen said after putting his group's 1978 hit "Deacon Blues" on the bar's jukebox. "I wasn't that into it at first, either. But when you really listen to the unbelievable production values and the wry, perfectly crafted lyrics—it's just great art, okay? You should definitely give 'the Dan' a shot."
Fagen went on to cite additional evidence in defense of his admiration for the music, including the disparate jazz, R&B, and blues influences that pervade the band's music, and the ultraclean sound that became the group's hallmark.
Though Fagen remained effusive about Steely Dan throughout the debate, he did eventually concede that the song "True Companion" from the Heavy Metal soundtrack was "really gay." He was quick to point out, however, that the track was not technically a Steely Dan composition, but rather a Donald Fagen solo project.
"No way you'd be saying this crap if you'd seen Steely Dan play live as many times as I have," Fagen reportedly told his companions after purchasing them a second round of drinks. "Plus [Steely Dan cofounder] Walter Becker is a super nice guy."
(more)
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Saturday, November 01, 2008
From The Onion:
Burned Lower Half Of Mort's Face Revealed In 'Bazooka Joe' Stunner
"All this time—haven't you ever wondered what's beneath Bazooka's eyepatch?" Paluschi continued. "Well, I'll tell you. It's nothing. Nothing at all—just an empty, gaping mass of pus and scar tissue. A gaping hole, one as dark and bare and devoid of all hope as the future we face."
(more)
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
From The Onion:
'I Am Under 18' Button Clicked For First Time In History Of Internet
CHINO, CA—In an unprecedented and historic event Monday, the "I Am Under 18" button, an Internet security device which if selected restricts access to websites featuring adult content, was clicked for the first time ever. "I knew I could simply claim to be over 18 and continue onto my desired destination, but I also realized that I would have to live with that lie for the rest of my life," said local resident Garrett Kinley, 17. "I admit, I was curious to see what type of material I would find on www.juggworld.com, but that button was clearly placed there for a reason, and let's face it: 17 and three-quarters is not 18. I plan to return to the site three months from now, when I will be mature enough to handle its content." Moments later, Kinley's friend Dave Gerrard, 17, pushed Kinley aside and clicked the "I Am Over 18" button himself, at which point a tactical police unit broke down his bedroom door and arrested him
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Monday, October 13, 2008
From The Onion:
Financial Planner Advises Shorter Life Span
TUCSON, AZ—After reviewing his client's income, assets, and personal budget Tuesday, Morgan Stanley financial adviser Henry Dalton determined that Jason Hutchinson, 43, could make the best use of his portfolio by dropping dead at the age of 62. "Taking account of inflation and the rising cost of living versus the projected direction of the economy in the coming decade, I told Mr. Hutchinson that he could significantly reduce his spending by simply living less," Dalton said. "After looking at his investments, I calculated that he really shouldn't live a day over 62—or 59 if he wants a funeral." In order to help his client plan for his financial future, Dalton presented Hutchinson with several of the company's comprehensive suicide packages.
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Monday, October 06, 2008
From The Onion:
Members Of Twisted Sister Now Willing To Take It
NEW YORK—In a stunning reversal of their long-stated reluctance to take it, members of heavy-metal band Twisted Sister announced Monday that, after 24 years of fervent refusal, they are now willing to take it. "I acknowledge that we promised not to take it anymore, but things change. The world is a different place today, and with that in mind, we would like to go on record as saying that, starting right now, we are going to take it," read a statement released by the band's lead singer, Dee Snider. "To clarify, we would still prefer not to take it, but as of now, taking it is an option that we would be open to. That is all." Bassist Mark "the Animal" Mendoza also stated that, in regards to what he wants to do with his life, he no longer solely wants to rock, but would instead prefer doing other things, such as raising a family and working as a claims adjuster in Rye, NY.
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
From The Onion:
New Nervous-Energy Drink Recreates Feeling Of Waiting For Girl To Call
LOS ANGELES—According to makers of the nervous-energy drink Pace!, the new beverage provides consumers with the same anxiety, restlessness, and self-doubt associated with waiting for a phone call from a much-desired female acquaintance. "Pace! gives you that unique, up-all-night feeling of dissecting every little thing she said last time you saw her," company spokesperson Geraldine Ponzari said at a press conference Monday. "With just the right blend of guarana, ginseng, and caffeine, Pace! will have your heart racing and your hands grabbing for your pockets every time you hear something that even remotely sounds like a ringing cell phone." Ponzari announced that Pace! is also developing a manic-energy drink, which will give consumers the feeling of maxing out their credit cards purchasing 400 snow shovels at Home Depot.
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Saturday, September 13, 2008
From The Onion:
Woman Always Really Excited To Be In Whatever Relationship Status She's Currently In
KINGSPORT, TN—Just six months after claiming she was ecstatic about moving in with her boyfriend, and a mere eight weeks after announcing that she "couldn't be happier" with their decision to take a brief time apart, administrative assistant Ann Castlen, 26, told friends Monday that she was absolutely thrilled to be single...
..."I'm glad Ann's finally doing what makes her happy," ex-boyfriend Sam Lorz said. "She's a great girl, and she deserves to be single, or dating, or taking time off from dating, or getting married—if that's what she wants."...
(more)
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
From The Onion:
Gay War Hero Awarded Posthumous Dishonorable Discharge At White House Ceremony
WASHINGTON—In a solemn ceremony held in the White House Rose Garden Monday, recently outed Iraq War casualty Sgt. Maj. Michael Delacroix—a highly decorated career serviceman with an impeccable 22-year record—was posthumously stripped of his military honors and dishonorably discharged from the U.S. Army. "For giving his life in the line of duty and selflessly serving his nation while being gay, Mr. Delacroix will be exhumed from Arlington National Cemetery and relieved of his rank and all attendant benefits," U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said during the ceremony. "We also ask that his mother return the American flag that was given to her at his funeral." A Pentagon spokesman said that Delacroix's cause of death—sniper fire while attempting to save an injured Iraqi boy—will be changed to AIDS in the official record.
Labels: Stuff From The Onion
Thursday, August 21, 2008
