Wednesday, February 28, 2007


Injury Report

The official injury report for The 2007 Saturday Swing Shift RPS Tournament Championship as reported by the entorages of both camps:

rashidRashid - The "New Guy"
Probable - Ring related injury lingers from match in first round. Some fatigue from excessive number of throws in two previous matches.

timBPM - The "Button Pushing Monkey"
Probable - Some cuticle damage from an overextended "Scissors" throw. Some damage to left (non-throwing) hand from high number of "Rock" throws.

Early betting line (Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas):

Rashid (-1.5)
Over/Under (15 throws)

The 2007 Saturday Swing Shift RPS Tournament Championship is brought to you by:




Political Correctness Should Be For All

If you pull out a world atlas from the past few years and look for a city in India called "Bombay," you won't find it. You'll find a city called Mumbai instead. Bombay was a horrible English mispronounciation of the native name of the city. When I was growing up, the capital of China was Peiking, today it's Beijing. The capital wasn't changed, it's in the same location that it's been in for centuries. English speakers butchered the name and it's finally being pronounced the way it's supposed to be.

I'm all in favor of that. We really should respect the language and cultures of other ethnicities. If a city is known by the name Mumbai to the people who live there, then who are we to call it Bombay instead? Respect other cultures, I say. Treat them with respct, no matter who they are.

I'm a German-American. I have a last name (not "Julius") that can be difficult for an English speaker to deal with. In German, the 'J' makes a sound like the English 'Y.' That's pretty foreign to a lot of people and my name is constantly mispronounced. It's something that I've just come to live with. But really, should I have to? I lived in Southern California for a number of years. I worked with a lot of people with hispanic last names. Ramirez? No, it's Rrrrrra-Meeerrrr-ehs! And some people were insistent. Say it right or they didn't acknowledge that you were speaking to them. But my name was often pronounced with a hard 'J' sound.

My family doesn't even pronounce our last name correctly. I always thought that it would be nice to finally pronounce my last name correctly when I moved somewhere that the rest of my family didn't live. Fat chance. People had a hard enough time getting over the soft 'J' sound, they weren't going to be able to handle the German inflection that my Familiename should have.

There is a chain of fast food places around the country, we had them in SoCal, called "Weinerschnitzel." They serve hot dogs which, by the way, is not what Weinerschnitzel actually is. When I was a kid and lived in SoCal, the chain was known as "Der Weinerschnitzel" and was pronounced Dair Vee-ner-shnit-zul. I made the mistake of pronouncing it that way, the correct way, I might add, in front of an hispanic person, who then ridiculed me for butchering the pronounciation. This person had no idea that I was pronouncing it correctly, could not pronounce my name correctly, but insisted that I pronounce her name correctly.

I use the Spanish vs. English argument here a lot because I lived in SoCal as a German-American. There was a push in one community to have a tilda on street signs that, in Spanish would require them. My computer keyboard, coincidentally, will quite readily make a tilda. If I want an umlaut? Yeah, it will do it, but it's not nearly as easy.

The fact of the matter is that my culture isn't treated with the respect that we are expected to show to hispanic culture. Or asian culture. Or pretty much any other culture on the face of the earth. There is no Teutonic Grammys telecast. You can't head down to the Bratwurst Hut for lunch (maybe locally, but it's not a national chain).

So next time your looking at a new, politically correct atlas and see Mumbai or Beijing, turn to Europe and look for Koln or Munchen. Can't find them? Try Cologne and Munich, then ask yourself why we're expected to use the proper names for asian cities but not for German ones.



Tuesday, February 27, 2007


Just Positive

The tragically named Aaires and I blowing out candles.
There're a lot of great things about my great-nephew, Aaires, but my favorite is his birthday. He's only had one so far, just a couple of days ago, but it's an easy one for his great uncle to remember. It's an easy one for all of us to remember, because they all get to remember two birthdays for the price of one.

Aaires and his great uncle, BOJ, have the same birthday.

Born just a couple of years apart.



Monday, February 26, 2007


Calling a TV Station

Check out this from ewink's blog. Winky and I worked together at USSB. He's now a news photographer in Las Vegas, NV and writes a very humorous and well written work related blog.

I still work on the fringes of the professional TV business and while these don't all apply to me and my current situation (thank God I don't EVER have to deal with the public anymore), but if you've ever worked in local TV, you'll find these somewhat amusing:

  • Make sure what you are calling about actually aired on the station you are calling. If you want to know about something that aired on Contact 13, and you call Channel 8, you're not going to get anywhere fast.

  • On a related note, just because we call come out of the same TV set does not mean we all come from the same building.

  • Please know what the hell you are talking about before you call.

  • I cannot give you a copy of the script. Sorry. You're going to have to order the story from the recording service. I'll give you all the info in the script, but I will not print you a copy. Not because I don't want to, but because I am pretty sure I can't.

  • On a related note, no, you may not get a copy of our raw tape.

  • Commercials are not news. Do not call the newsroom to ask about a commercial. We don't have a clue. (Call M-F 9-5 and ask for traffic. Not Skywitness Traffic, just traffic.)

  • The schmuck answering the phone, 99.99999% of the time, had absolutely nothing to do with the story you are calling to complain about. Please save your hate filled rant for the person who does.

  • Do not call and ask to talk to a reporter at 2AM.

  • If you do, I reserve the right to forward you to a random reporters voice mail. If you call back, I'll just do it again.

  • If no one died, no kids or seniors are involved and it's not part of a greater story, we did not cover it, nor will we. (This is subject to change based on the moon's orbit and the distance to sweeps.)

  • Managers don't work weekends. There is a reason they become managers, and it's not to hang around the station on a Saturday evening.

  • If the power is out, call the power company and then call the news. They can probably tell you more than we can, considering we ask the same people.

  • 99.9999999% of the stuff that is not local was not covered by us. Please take your complaint to the network.

  • I do not know Katie Couric's phone number.

  • I will not give you the phone number to another station.

  • 411 is 4 digits easier to dial than the newsroom, will get you the number faster and will not get you on my shitlist.

  • knows more about our stations lineup then I do. Check it first.

  • I will try and help you out as much as you can, but just because I work for a TV station does not mean that I know everything and that I can answer any question for you instantly. Most of the time I use Google. You should try it too!

  • If you call with a great story idea, but then refuse to go on camera/speak with someone off camera (or in silhouette)/at least give your name, the story will probably never see the light of day, and I will be very frustrated.

  • If the story doesn't involve more than just you, it better be good.
  • I reserve the right to add more things as more people call with just plain silly issues.

  • There's more, check out Otakuphotog.



    Spam of the Week

    I never realized that receiving spam could be so much fun. On the down side, I now actually read my spam instead of summarily deleting it. The sacrafices I make for this blog...

    You know, I've been looking for resources to increase my spellcasting powers:

    "Old Witchcraft Secrets" will show you in detail, how you can cast powerful spells, to make your wildest dreams come true.

    It's NOT your fault that your spells and rituals aren't turning out like you want... YET.

    Alright, it's not my fault. Tell me more!

    The truth is... you've been misled by self-proclaimed powerful wizards and witches... and the truth is that 99% of these 'professionals' are DEAD WRONG!

    A pox upon the houses of those self-proclaimed powerful wizards and witches. Why would they be trying to hold me back?

    In fact, a lot of what they say will actually diminish your powers.

    They don't want you to know the right way to cast spells because if you did, you'd never need them again and they would lose their power!

    You cannot invent 'new' spells like you cannot invent a new tree. Everything is old.

    But not everything is known in the right way.

    Get 3 Spells just for visiting our site

    Spells on the internet? I knew Al Gore invented this for a reason.

    As you know, many witches and wizards are FURIOUS about this. Why?

    Why indeed?

    Because it reveals the true forgotten secrets of witchcraft.
    Secrets more powerful than what they can do through their very expensive services...

    Soon, everybody will be able to do this at home, more effectively, cheaper and faster....

    Everybody casting spells? It sounds like a dream. And cut-rate spells to boot.

    You've seen some ridiculous prices on the internet for getting a spell done. It's obvious they are getting rich off of normal people and their problems...

    Yes, the prices for internet spells are frustrating. I wish I knew their secrets so I wouldn't need to give my money away.

    Once you know their secrets, you won’t need to give them your money!

    Dude! I think I just cast some sort of mind-reading spell!

    I've personally tested this information, and some of the old forgotten stuff is mind blowing: it's accurate, effective and quite easy to do.

    Discover The Most Powerful Spells and Secrets

    Yeah, I've omitted all of the links. I want the spells all to myself. Hopefully no one else received this informative email.



    Sunday, February 25, 2007



    When writing, a blog or anything else, you always have to remember who your audience is. For the longest time, even today, my main audience on The Globex Corporation Newsletter has been myself.

    I used to get really frustrated, things I was good at brought me no notice. Worse, at a time when I was unemployed, they brought me no money but used an incredible amount of my time. I played a lot of music and would get frustrated that I was never going to pay the bills that way, worse, it often cost me money in the long run.

    Any artistic pursuit has to be for the benefit of the "artist." You have to do it because you love to do it. I liked making music, I liked writing sort of twisted, out of the ordinary songs about my somewhat twisted and out of the ordinary love life. It was great that other people got a kick out of my music. It was monumentally more important that I got a kick out of it. That's the way it always has to be.

    I started this blog about two years ago. It was very freeing. It was safe because I knew nobody was reading it. I could kvetch (oooh, Yiddish!) at long lengt about any topic I thought deserved it. Things changed after a while. Some people started reading on a regular basis. That's great, I like having an audience, but the truth of the matter is that I write this for me.

    The other truth of the matter is that since other people are reading this, I have to be careful, somewhat restrained in the topics I cover. There are few rules on this blog. I was reminded of the first hard and fast rule a few minutes ago when I checked my email. I made the rule, but outside influences made me consider and implement that rule. In a way, I feel like I'm violating that rule by even typing this. It's my rule, so I guess I can bend it a little bit.

    More of a guideline than a rule is writing about work. I've instituted the policy of referring to my employer as [Nameless Company] (special thanks to Sarcastra for the reference). The fact of the matter is that blogging about your employer can be detrimental to your employment.

    This started as an idea for an email. To a particular person. That would probably get me in trouble. And maybe this will too, but here goes.

    At the first of the year, my shift was changed. I had the option to do or not to do this. I chose to. My choice. That is not the complaint. While my old shift was from 3:30pm to 11:30pm 5 days a week, the new schedule was from 1:30pm to 11:30pm 4 days a week. This is great, 3 day weekends every weekend, you gotta love it.

    The problem was that the day shift is ludicrously over-staffed and that three of us who were working this new shift had little opportunity to do much work during that first two hours of the shift. It's not that we didn't want to work, but there was little equipment for us to do work on during those hours.

    The day shift supervisor got a bug up her ass and decided that something had to be done. So on Friday my supervisor asked for solutions. The three of us are changing our shift to work from 3pm to 1am four days a week.

    The problem, as I see it, was that our department was over-staffed from 1:30pm to 3:30pm four days a week. This other supervisor didn't like that and wanted a change. Solution? None of her people change, someone else's shift had to change.

    If the day shift had two many people during those hours, why not send 3 or their people home two hours early? Have three of their people come in two hours earlier to make it work. I suppose 6am is too early to have someone come into work. And there probably wouldn't be anything for them to do.

    Having someone stay until 1am, on the other hand, is totally reasaonable. There's plenty going on between 11pm at 1am, enough to justify a change in MY schedule. This is the day shift supervisor's idea of compromise. Do things her way and nobody gets hurt.

    Let me say, for the record (such as it is), that I'm not upset by the schedule change. It's fine. It wouldn't be my first choice of the hours I would be at work, but I can live with it. What bothers me is that there was a problem and three people from swing shift were expected to change their schedules, to change their lives, to rectify the situation.

    I guess I don't understand compromise. I thought it was give and take. In my life, I've always been the one who gives. I've always been the one who's taken from. I'm the one who compromises.

    That would be fine if I ever got anything for that attitude, but I've found that if you bend for someone else more than once that they come to expect it of you. From now on [Nameless Company] will see me as that person who they can do anything to. If I refuse or resist at some future point, I will be the bad guy. I will be labelled as a "discipline problem." I'd like to think that it will be different this time, but past experience tells me otherwise.


    Saturday, February 24, 2007


    That First 30 Minutes Took About an Hour...

    Tim (you'll know him as BPM) and I were heading to work yesterday. He asked me if I was still coming to South Dakota today. I asked why. He told me that we were supposed to have 6 inches of snow and 60mph winds overnight.

    We drove into work, actually rolling the windows down a little as it was so warm. Spent 10 hours at work and drove home in snow. I woke up to (surprise) about 6 inches of snow (approximation, your snowfall may vary). I checked the WY DOT website for road conditions. Every direction out of Cheyenne was closed. It was still snowing a little bit so I played some Civilization II, checked the email, had a little breakfast and decided what to do.

    I took a shower. No great ideas came to me. I checked WY DOT again and the roads were open. I-25 was anyway, with a No Travel advisory from Gledno to Orin Jct. If I travel up I-25, I go as far as Orin Jct. so I was a little worried, but decided to hit the road anyway.

    For the first 30 miles, I thought I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. Though it had stopped snowing, it was blowing quite a bit, there was a lot of snow on the road and it was a struggle to go faster than 40mph. By the time I got to Wheatland, it had cleared of so much that I was able to use the cruise control and travel at normal highway speeds. There were a few snow packed spots here and there, but nothing I couldn't deal with.

    That area with the No Travel advisory? Pfffft! Nothing. A little bit of snow but not a problem. It was all two lane highway after that, and though it was a little hairy at times on the way into Lusk, there was little difficulty. After a pit stop in Lusk, I headed north. Every mile there was less and less snow until I reached Mule Creek Jct. and was completely out of the snow.

    All in all, not a bad trip. Windy as hell and the gas mileage was for shit, but all was managable. I am completely beat from fighting the wind the entire trip, but a good night's sleep will take care of that.

    The great nephew Julian was here and we played with Duplo blocks for a while. That's what I got him for Christmas and he seems to like them. I knew he would, he's a cool kid.

    It's the other great nephew's birthday tomorrow. I got him a little chicken that clucks when you squeeze its tail. Now maybe he'll leave great grandma's chicken's alone.



    Not Tina Fey Photo Saturday

    Thanks, Tina, that's sweet.

    I'm on the road later today. I'll try to keep up with the regular features while I'm away, but I'm not promising anything.


    Friday, February 23, 2007


    Sue Foley Photo Friday

    There sure are a lot of great photos of Sue out there...
    Did you know she also plays guitar? And sings? And writes fantastic songs?

    In a perfect world she'd be Mrs. "Blind Orange" Julius, but this ain't a perfect world. So I'll enjoy her music. And I'm not gonna lie, I'll enjoy looking at her.



    Thursday, February 22, 2007


    The Onion Radio News

    Doyle Redland
    With Doyle Redland

    Angry Girlfriend Has Trouble Storming Out Of Rotating Restaurant

    Listen to the story here.

    Relationship tips from The Onion, what more could a girl ask for?




    What Do You Do Next?

    It's a simple question, magnified by the simplicity of the game. In RPS, what do you do next? You threw "rock" this time, what are you going to throw next?

    Numbers don't lie. Tendencies can be tracked. I feel it's my duty to make these numbers available to the betting public, just like the NFL with their injury reports. Plus, I really like making charts and graphs. Bar graphs rock! USA Today will be calling any day now...

    The graph is simple, the raw numbers of what the particpants in this year's Saturday Swing Shift RPS Tournament Finals have done after each type of throw. Rashid, with the massive number of pushes has many more throws than BPM, so his numbers are a little skewed.

    Numbers don't lie, bettors. Learn them, know them, live them.


    The 2007 Saturday Swing Shift RPS Tournament is brought to you by:



    Wednesday, February 21, 2007



    Click on the Photo to nominate someone for The
    Globex Corporation's Heroic Legion of Competence
    Competence. Go to any Wal-Mart, answer the phone when a telemarketer calls and you'll realize just how rare competence is. We used to expect competence, now we're surprised when we find it.

    The Globex Corporation wants to reward the competent, that's why we've instituted The Heroic Legion of Competence award. Have you received satisfactory customer service? Did that cashier give you correct change. Is your name pronounced correctly by that telemarketer? Nomnate that person for The Globex Corporation's Heroic Legion of Competence award. Winners will be announced occasionally. I mean, we all know how rare competence is. Am I right?




    Pointless Statistics

    Statistics can show us so much, probably not in this case, but most of the time they can. The sample size is ridiculously small on all of this, but BPM has lead off every match with "Rock," that cannot be denied. I don't know how there could be a tendency with what a player finishes with, you wouldn't know that's the last throw of the match, no would you? Still, I needed another stat to make the graphic look cooler.

    It's coming up, the 2007 Saturday Swing Shift RPS Tournament Finals is just 10 days away. Be there!

    Brought to you by:




    Bitchin' About Days Off

    Here's a new one for me on the MBW, I'm an idiot.

    I'm currently on day 2 of my weekly 3 day weekend. Love it folks, I just love it. Three days off a week every week. Gotta love it.

    So I've schedulted some days off for next week. I originally asked for next Sunday and Monday off, but then I realized that I could take an extra day due to our 13 Million Day, so I took Saturday off as well. That would give me six day off in a row. Nice little vacation, heading back to the RC, maybe play an open mic or two, it'd be fun.

    If I'd have just taken Friday off as well, I'd have 10 days off in a row. Worse, after 3 days off this week, I'll go in for one day, one damn day on Friday, work ten hours, then go on vaction.

    I'm an idiot.

    I'm also an ASS for those of you keeping score at home.



    Tuesday, February 20, 2007


    More Pointless Hype

    The 2007 Saturday Swing Shift RPS Tournament hype machine is in full swing. It's hard to believe that there's still 11 days before the big event. I just hope people don't get burned out on it.

    Negotiations are just getting for the halftime show, and I think everyone will be pleasantly surprised with the performer doing the National Anthem.

    But let's face it, this post is just an excuse to make some more money by posting some more of those banner ads...







    Goodbye Beer

    It's Fette Dienstag today which the rest of the world knows by its French name of Mardi Gras. I don't speak French, but I understand that the meanings of the two terms are the same.

    I really like the idea of Mardi Gras. It's the day before the start of Lent and good Catholics in Louisiana decided to have a big-ass blowout before the 40 days of repentence. It's changed from that, obviously. In New Orleans today, the idea of Mardi Gras has been completely lost, it's just a big party, but most people don't know why they're celbrating.

    I've never needed an excuse to party. I'll drink and engage in debauchery whenever I feel like it. I'm drinking now. It's my day off, it's Fette Dienstag, I don't have anywhere to go, what's the problem? Having a drink or two before doing the whole 40 days of repentence thing I get. And that's what I'm doing.

    For the fourth year now I'm giving up beer for Lent. I'm a Lutheran. We Lutheran's aren't really big on giving things up for Lent. I like the tradition, though, and as a guy who suspected that he might have a problem with alcohol I decided to give up beer for 40 days in 2004.

    I'm not going to lie to you, it was hard. Really hard as I figured that I could just avoid going to bars for a month then. Surprise, two guys I knew wanted me in a band. Played in bars a lot during that 40 days. Opened for Abby Someone at Cheers during that time, the first big break for Patient 957. I thought about beer constantly that year and after our set, I had a shot with the other 957 guys. If God couldn't understand that I needed to share a drink with my bandmates, well, he wasn't a diety that I could really get behind.

    The rules were somewhat redefined after that first year. The idea of Lent is to give up something that you like. I like beer. That first year I had a non-alcoholic beer or two. To me, that seemed like cheating. I was giving up beer, and just because the beer had it's alcohol removed, it was still beer.

    Alcohol, on the other hand, isn't what I was giving up. So I'll have the occasional shot. I like bourbon, though not like I enjoy beer. I caught hell from the guys at work last year when, holding a table for them after work, they found me drinking a double bourbon.

    "You gave up drinking for Lent." They said.

    "No, I gave up beer. I love beer." I replied.

    I give up what I love. For 40 days. For reasons that are religious and decidedly non-religious. Rest assured I will think about beer a lot over the next 40 days. Which is sort of the point. Easy to give up something you don't care about, more difficult to give up something that's sort of turned into a lifestyle.

    In 2004, when I gave up beer for the first time, I decided it would be a cool idea to brew a batch of beer at the same time. That's my two sides, giving up beer, but making beer. Sort of like wearing my ECW Wrestling T-Shirt and my Jeopardy! cap at the same time. I'm brewing a batch of beer right now, an American style Cream Ale.

    That's another thing about my tradition, the first beer, usually drunk around 12:01am on Easter morning is always a homebrew. That first year it was a Russian Imperial Stout (unbe-fucking-lievable!!!), the next year it was actually a homebrew made by TSA. This year it will be a Cream Ale. Made by my hands. On the day I gave up beer.



    Positive About the NFL

    Always something to talk about
    When it comes to sports I'm not that guy who likes what everyone else likes. I like boxing even though it's a mess in today's sports world and mismanaged at every level. I like auto racing, but nothing so mundane as NASCAR, I'm into F1. Well not as much as I used to be, but it's cool to be able to tell people that I like Formula One racing. It's cool that I can reference Michael Schumacher or Spa Francorchamps which are a great driver (Ferrari) and a great race track respectively.

    I have to admit, though, that when it comes to sports, there's only one real sport, the one I think about most of the time. It's pro football, the NFL.

    The league's ultimate game, the reason every NFL season is even played, the Super Bowl was played a couple of weeks ago. So we're done talking about pro football, right?

    Not on your life! In the sports world, the NFL is king. The Cowboys are looking for a coach, the speculation is rampant, names are bandied about, who's going to be the new coach of America's Team? It's all the talk in the sports media for a couple of weeks. Wade Phillips? How can this be? He's a .500 coach. Is that what the fans in Dallas deserve?

    This is so great. I love football. I could talk football every day of the year. Luckily, it's socially acceptable. The NFL is a 365 day a year enterprise. The San Diego Chargers hire Norv Turner (58-82-1 record as an NFL head coach) and now we have something to talk about for the next week or so. This is great!

    It never ends with this sport. There's always something to talk about in the NFL. Free agency and trades, the draft, training camp, it never ends. There's a cable network devoted to this sport, a network that until this year didn't even bother to carry games. But they carried that stuff that the hardcore NFL fan can't live without.

    Coming up will be the NFL Combine, where draft eligible players fly to Indianapolis and catch passes and run 40 yard dashes. On TV. And I'll be watching. I can't believe it, but I'll tune in. I will. And I'll talk about it with other people who watched it.

    It's the NFL, and as long as Terrell Owens is still in the league, there will always be something to talk about.



    Monday, February 19, 2007


    We Earned It, You Bastards

    Happy President's Day!

    Unless you work for [Nameless Company]. Then I say Happy Thirteen Million Day.

    So enjoy the day off from work, the freedom from having to check your mail and your ability avoid going to the bank in good conscience. It's President's Day!

    Or, at [Nameless Company], Thirteen Million Day. Yeah, I have to go to work today, but I'm taking a day off next Saturday to make up for it.

    Enjoy your President's Day, America. It was given to you by a gracious government and your place of employment. At [Nameless Company] we earned our day off by exeeding an arbitrary goal by an arbitrary date.

    We earned it.

    The rest of this country makes me sick.




    Styles of Play

    The big RPS Final is only 12 days away. Lets take a look at the competitors and their approaches to the game.


    rashidRashid - The "New Guy"

    No RPS competitors record shows more than Rashid's. Just look at the number of pushes. He has nearly twice as many pushes as wins. When you factor in pushes, you find that Rashid only losses around 13% of his throws, meaning he's a threat everytime a hand is thrown out there. Rashid's 13% loss rate is remarkable, his six pushes in a row in his epic match against Sean is legendary. Rashid is the type of competitor who won't give up a single throw, he's in every throw, every match. Truely a dangerous competitor.

    timBPM - The "Button Pushing Monkey"

    BPM's stellar 78% win record in non-push throws is remarkable. A no nonsesne competitor, BPM doesn't play around with silly pushes, he just comes out and beats you. Five pushes in two matches is a very low number and his losses, one throw each to Slick and BOJ cannot be discounted.

    Contrasting styles in this one. BPM will be looking for the quick win, Rashid hoping to extend the match with numerous pushes. This one is truely anyone's match!

    Be sure to check out these fine sponsor of the 2007 Saturday Swing Shift RPS Tournament:







    Spam of the Week

    It was difficult choosing this week's Spam of the Week. There were lots of worthy nominees, from the just plain silly, to the most defintitely illegal. I was close to picking one email in particular because it had one funny line. That line was profane, and while I have no problem using profanity on The Globex Corporation Newsletter, I have a little bit of a problem letting others do it.

    Having weeded out the other entrants, this email was deemed, by a panel of low level executives at The Globex Corporation to be Spam of the Week:

    Would you like complimentary diapers from Huggies, Luvs, or Pampers?

    Get $500 worth of brand name diapers for your baby.

    Simply choose your favorite brand and we will send it to you.

    A lot depends upon a diaper. Keep your baby's bottom smooth and
    rash-free is easier with quality diapers from name brands you trust.

    Wrap your baby in only the best.

    Choose your trusted brand.

    Diapers! Yes! Just what a single guy needs!

    This email was chosen as Spam of the Week soley for the reason that I could have no possible use for infant's diapers (no comment on adult diapers), but one line struck out as just plain poor writing:

    Keep your baby's bottom smooth and rash-free is easier with quality diapers from name brands you trust.

    That's a stupid mistake that I make on blog posts around here on a daily basis. I shouldn't do it, I should read my crap more carefully.

    Then again, I am not sending this blog TO THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE!!!

    Let me get this straight, your direct marketing diaper campaign is based on using poor grammar and clunky English? No wonder I've never been able to get a job in advertising.

    Or, possibly, it's some sort of scam. I didn't include any of the links contained in the email, didn't follow them myself. That's just good practice, folks.




    Kicking Off the RPS Tournament Hype

    There's just a little less than two weeks until the big RPS Tournament final. The poster promoting the big event is done and some advertisers have even come on board. It's shaping up to be a magical couple of weeks.
    After much debate, the slogan "Settling Things for their Days in the Springs" was chosen as BPM and Rashid had worked together before. In the coming days, we'll hear what both of them think of that and how it affects the big match.

    Time to pay the bills, The 2007 Saturday Swing Shift RPS Tournament is brought to you by the following sponsors:






    Sunday, February 18, 2007


    She'll Always Be That One Gal to Me

    The great thing about blog friends is that I don't have to remember anything, other people remember things for me.

    Read about my first meeting with That One Gal...



    RPS Tournnament
    Results from Round 2

    Lordy, there was an exciting RPS throw-down at the Reaux-Sham-Dome on Saturday. Four competitors entered the field of honor, only two would leave with their undefeated records in tact. The tension was palpable, the gatherd throngs anxious as four glorious RPS gladiators entered the hallowed grounds.


    * Represents a judges' "No Throw" decision

    Rashid was one half of last week's most exciting match. Darin, who received a first round bye was untested in this tournament, but is known for his tenacious attitude in RPS circles.

    Once again, Rashid was involved in the match of the day. Winning the first throw, Rashid then went 7 throws without a winner, surrendering his early lead to a 2-1 advantage for Darin. Two straight throws of "Scissors" gave Rashid a 3-2 lead. Then controversey reared it's ugly head. Darin's throw, presumably of "Scissors" only included one extended finger. The assembled throng sat in open-mouthed, awed silence. The judges ruled "No Throw" and warned Darin that another such throw would result in a DQ. It was a moot point as Rashid's next throw of "Scissors" defeated Darin's "Paper."


    BOJ claimed to have scripted his first three throws, a tactic used with great success by 49ers coach Bill Walsh. After the first throw, the tactic looked good for BOJ, but the scripted portion of the match ended up with BPM holding a 2-1 lead. The match was over after that, BOJ never winning another throw, though four of the next six throws were pushes.

    Congratulations to both finalists in this years RPS tournament. It's an honor to get this far, both contentents proving to be ferociious competitiors, showing a tenacity, blah, blah, blah, blah...

    Stay tuned to The Globex Corporation Newsletter for exciting features on this years RPS Finals.

    Investors: Prime advertising opportunities still exist for this fine sporting event. Contact the Webmaster for details.

    The finals will be conducted on March 3rd at the Reaux-Sham-Dome. Excellent tickets are still available.



    Saturday, February 17, 2007



    I used to do this all the time, but I haven't just sat down and started banging out a post without any idea of what I was going to write in a long time.

    Like all good ideas, this one came to me while in the shower. Sadly, the idea was simply to post something, not what to post, so I'll bang away until something comes to me.

    The big RPS tournament semi-finals are today. I'm wearing the lucky underwear, so I'm as ready for RPS action as I'm ever going to be. Sadly, the lucky underwear seem to have lost some of their magic, yes, I got the last job interview I wore them to, but the other thing they were good for didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. In truth, they were always better at job interviews then at the other thing. Yes, I am being vague, and for good reason. I also didn't wear them when I was on Jeopardy! because my ass got too big and they didn't fit any more. So they are untested in game show situations.

    The other idea I had while in the shower was what to have for lunch. It was rice and it is presently sitting right in front of me. I had rice yesterday but with some beef brisket on to of it. Good stuff. This will be pretty good too.

    I am pissed off about the whole insurance bullshit that [Nameless Company] is pulling on us. In a way, it worked out pretty good for me, in another, more accurate way, it screwed me and every low level employee at [Nameless Company] over in a way that is wholly unacceptable.

    On top of this, the whole insurance selection process is done through Human Resources. Fuck you, I'm not a resource, I'm an employee and your damn lucky to have eme. And get this, even though we have an HR department, we have to essentially do all of the paperwork ourselves. At this point, nobody is sure what HR actually does. The only thing they've done for me is to royaly screw up my hiring process about a year ago. Yes, [Nameless Company] is damn lucky to have me.

    Yesterday, an employee was having problems with his benefits selection. It was like pulling teeth to get someone from HR to help, at which point they basically are making him do the whole process on paper instead of on the computer. Way to help your resources, HR.

    This is the same HR department that wouldn't come in to view an employee who was drunk at work. We were told to be on the lookout for this behavior as he'd done it a number of times before but the behavior had never been documented

    The same employee, by the way, who left work one evening "because he was sick," went to a bar, got into a fight and was stupid enough to tell other employees, including a team leader, about it. Some time I'll get into why that is so offensive to me. Now I'll just say that I've gone to work under circumstances that should make him feel like a poor excuse for a human. Which he is.

    A few weeks later he, though out of sick days for the year, called in sick and was told to call his supervisor. He refused to call his supervisor and did not come to work on a busy Saturday during football season, leaving our shift one (and I use the term loosly) man short.

    He was able to leave our shift, which we're happy about, to go back to a shift he wanted to be on. A shift on which he was in a physical or near-physical altercation with another employee who is still there.

    We had our reviews this past month. Raises were recomended. I imagine his and mine are quite similar. Damn I love my job and the way [Nameless Comany] is run.

    The rice was good, but I think I need something e;se as well. I'll have to run through the cupboards to see what else I have to eat.



    The Onion Radio News

    Doyle Redland
    With Doyle Redland

    Coalition: Vast Majority Of Iraqis Still Alive

    Listen to the story here.

    It's from The Onion, so you should probably check it out...



    Friday, February 16, 2007


    Sue Foley Photo Friday

    Sue in B&W...
    I promise, I'll never do another 3-D photo of Sue on Sue Foley Photo Friday. If I ever run into another one, I'll resist the urge to post it. Worse yet, I still haven't had the chance to see it in glorious 3-D as intended.

    I'm such a freakin' loser.

    Still, try to enjoy Sue Foley Photo Friday. Better yet, pick up a Sue Foley album and give it a listen. I'd suggest Change, but Ten Days in November and Where the Action Is are awfully good. Really, you can't go wrong with any of them.

    She looks really good on all of the covers, too....



    Thursday, February 15, 2007


    On The Sidebar

    My sidebar is getting really cluttered. Lots of good stuff over there, take the time to look it over sometime. I like the link to Eddie McCaffrey's Pro Football Reference page (sponsored by The Globex Corporation).

    Newest is four songs that I had a part in, the first two solo (recorded by Jack of Top 10 Guitarists and Top 10 Songwriters fame) the next with TSA as Slappy is Jebus and the final with the terribly underrated band, Patient 957 (I'm playing harp and signing backup).




    I'm Here!
    I Like Beer!
    Get Used To It!

    I probably noticed it when I was in my pre-teen years. I'd get weird feelings when I saw certain picutres or when I found myself in certain situations. I resisted my feelings though, I mean, what would my friends have thought? High School was tough for me, but I was able to resist the temptations in my life with but a few exceptions, those I kept secret, not only for my own sake, but for the other people involved.

    I went away to college, away from my friends, only one person from my high school class attending the same University. I finally decided to embrace my lifestyle, not to hide it, to be open about it. Maybe I was a bit more flamboyant than I should have been, but at 18 for the first time, I felt free. And today I can shout it out proudly:


    When I look back on my life, I should have known it all along. I've always enjoyed wearing men's underwear, enjoyed looking at naughty photos of naked women. In my idle moments, my thoughts would generally turn to naked women doing.... stuff that just didn't seem all that natural. I'm here to tell you that they still do.

    I like to think I hide it well. I'm rarely seen in public with women. If I am, I try to treat them as friends or as I would any other co-worker. And though I can see society changing, I can see the attitudes toward men and women together becoming more relaxed. I applaud that. The world is changing, it's becoming more accepting. I'm still going to keep it low key.

    I'm a hetero-sexual male, I try not to flaunt my lifestyle. I rarely act out on my urges in public. I don't discuss my lifestyle often. I don't hide it either, it's who I am, but my sexuality is my business. Ask me, though, and I'll tell you, I am a hetero-sexual man.



    Pointless Shit

    I've been doing Pointless Shit for some time now. I was lazy today, coudn't think of anything good or fun or interesting for Pointless Shit, so I googled "pointless shit," found quite a few links to this very blog. It's weird, but I'm proud of that. You're looking for Pointless Shit and you're directed to The Globex Corporation Newsletter, what's not to be proud of?

    I then Googled "pointless shit" and clicked on images. Number one was an image I'd posted on this blog a while back. I didn't give any explanation then, I won't offer one now. I'll just comment that it's fitting, unbelievably fitting, given the week I've had. To find it today makes me smile, pointlessly.



    Wednesday, February 14, 2007


    Huzzah for Hats!!!

    You voted and you wanted a list on hats. It was overwhelming. Hats. You wanted hats.

    I do what you want, I'm always trying to make this blog better for you, the fine readers of The Globex Corporation Newletter. You want hats? Fine, you get hats. I mean, I'm just the creator here. It's my blog, but you want hats. Fine.

    So I sent out the emails to my blog partners. "The readers want hats," I wrote, "let's all submit lists of hats."

    Amazingly, I got responses.

    So here's the standard disclaimer. We know that we're not going to definiatively prove which hat is the best. This is just an exhibition, each person's impressions on hats. Take it for what it is.

    As with the last list, this list will be post dated so that it will stay at the top of my blog queue for the next week. Don't like this list? Upset by the glaring omissions? You think you could pull a better list of hats out of your ass? Comment or send an email and I'll add it here.

    BOJ's List

    Hats, how much poorer would our lives be without them? They've been our "friends upstairs" throughout the history of civilization, protecting us from the elements, disguising us when necessary and just plain making us look cooler. Let me be the first to say it, "Hats off to HATS!!!!"

    10. Clear Green Visor - Whether you're an accountant or some sort of hi-stakes gambler, this headgear says "Successful."

    9. Baseball Cap - I never would have made it to those 10am classes in college without a handy baseball cap by my bedside to throw on when showering was just not an option.

    8. Stocking Cap - You know, for when you're trying to look like a Longshoreman. They also keep you head warm, but mess up your hair really bad. And I have GREAT hair.

    7. Those Little Batting Helmet Sundae Cups - I have a NY Mets one that I got at the Dairy Queen in Vermillion, SD when I was in college. And it is a real hat, because it currently is on the head of my childhood stuffed dog, "Fritzie." I don't have to explain myself to you...

    6. This Cool Leather Fedora Type Thing I Used To Have - Really, it was so cool! The girl I wrote Two Condoms about gave it to me as a Christmas present. I even had a jacket that matched. I looked so cool walking to work dressed like that. When we broke up I still really liked it but it brought back bad memories, so I decided not to wear it for one year. Sometime in that one year, I lost it. Bummer.

    5. Bowler - Like John Steed wore on The Avengers.

    4. Sombrero - The King of ethnic headgear. Look, anybody can wear a Sombrero, but if you're caught wearing one, you'd better be on siesta or have a really good story, mister.

    TV's Gilligan in a Cool Hat
    3. Cowboy Hat - "Hats. You know, big cowboy hats..."

    2. Sailor Hat - Cool when worn in a regulation fashion, but the way Gilligan wore his with the flap thingies pulled down? Now that's what I'm talkin' about!

    1. Indiana Jones Hat Not an ensemble I could get away with, but didn't "Indy" just kick ass in those movies? I think you need the whip to really pull the whole thing together, though.

    Slick's List

    Slick from Broken Machines was the first to respond to my request for submissions on this list, maybe 5 minutes after I had sent it. He provided the links, wrote the HTML, everything. I didn't have to do squat with this list. Cool!
    A Pickelhaube

    10. pickelhaube
    9. pith helmet
    8. papal miter
    7. top hat
    6. fedora
    5. fez
    4. viking helmet
    3. aviator's cap
    2. tri-corner
    1. tin-foil hat

    Honorable mention:
    The beret (the beret is only cool if the person wearing the beret is already cool. Beret's magnify personality; they don't add to it.

    Quinn's List

    Quinn and I shared Residence #24 in Long Beach, CA. An employee of the "Evil Empire" he is still somehow a good person and I allow him to post here. Originally from Wisconsin. That would explain numbers 5 and 6....

    10 - The Civil War Kepi. The formal infantries of both the north and the south wore this style hat. Typically made of leather this hat sported a small brim, a flat top, and was taller in the back than the front. A crossed musket pin would signify infantry (cross sabers on a more cowboy style hat signified cavalry). It's actually quite comfortable to wear (yes, I own one - a Confederate grey one) but brings a lot of dirty looks when worn out in public.

    9 - The Hardhat. Though I do not work in construction I do own a hard hat (has the show "Home Improvement" logo on it) and have been issued one at work. This hat is not overly comfortable (depending on how you adjust the size) but does allow room for air flow all around your head (great when out on a lift fixing antenna's in the hot California sun). The design is simple, durable, and does exactly what it's intended to do.. keep small objects that fall from high places from becoming imbedded in your skull - a MUST have!

    8 - The Cowboy hat. Probably the most identifiable symbol of the American West and what probably is thought to be worn by all Americans in the eyes of some less industrialized nations. The Cowboy Hat keeps the skin on your neck, ears, and face from burning, keeps the sun out of your eyes, and is useful to swat the ass of the horse you're riding while you dig your spurs in it's ribs (giddy-up!). I have owned a few of these in my lifetime, from the embarassing pictures in my very young years in a white and red cowboy outfit through what will hopefully be my last one, a nice black felt "Austrailian" style.

    7 - The Fisherman. Brim all around, usually made of a light canvas style material, and often provides places to put fishing hooks, this hat will keep the sun off your ears, forehead, and the back of your neck. Dunk it in the water to cool you down on a hot day or use it to swat flies (if you don't have hooks in it). Of course I own a few of these, but wear them out in the urban jungle of LA more often than anywhere else... of course when I go camping I always bring 2 (yes, I bring a SPARE!).

    The "Cheesehead"
    6 - The Cheese Head. As if wearing no shirt in -30 degree weather with nothing but green and gold body paint isn't enough, we have given onto the earth... The Cheese Head! This rubber wedge looking like a giant block of yellow swiss cheese will help you identify many a Packer fan, and according to a news report a few years ago can also save you from head injury in a plane crash. There's also been a variation on this... a baseball style cap made from the same rubber material, yellow, with dimples to make it look like swiss cheese. Alas, I'm probably the only Wisconsinite that doesn't own either of these. And I can't bring up the Cheese Head without this horrible little joke - "What's the difference between a Cheesehead and a Dickhead?" - The Illinois State Line.

    5- The Pope Lombardi. Traditional garb worn at Packer home games. An homage to the patron saint of Green Bay and the NFL Vince Lombardi, this paper/cardboard or plastic creation shows the rest of the world just how crazy we who come from near "the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field" can be. I do not own one of these, but would proudly display it on my living room wall if I did.

    4 -The Took, pronounced 'Tuke' you hosers! This is the stocking cap worn by the infamous Bob and Doug MacKenzie. So if you're planning to take off to the Great White North (or if you already live there) this hat will keep you warm and help you blend in with the locals, eh! Mine is safely tucked away back in a closet in WI for when I visit home (though with this Southern California weather this year, I almost wish it was here).

    3 - The Blues Brothers hat. This hat has a few different names, some say it's a Pork Pie while others argue it's actually a Fedora. Many stores actually market it as "The Blues Hat" or "The Blues Brothers Hat". What can I say but I just love this hat, yes I do own one (I have the entire Elwood outfit, minus the softside leather briefcase).

    2 - The Baseball Cap. Worn by nearly every American male during atleast one time in his life. Keeps that wild hair under control, the sun out of your eyes, and offers plenty of space to show support for your favorite sports team or to spout some whitty saying like "show me your tits" written to look like Japanese lettering (I do have that hat along with countless others).

    1 - The Motorcycle Helmet. I know this is probably a bit of a stretch for a list about hats, but this is the most important piece of head wear in my collection. A full face helmet keeps those pesky pieces of road debris kicked up by 4 wheel vehicles as well as bugs out of my face. It keeps me warm on those chilly January in California rides, and gives me a way to wear my glasses without having them blown off in the wind. Of course safety is the idea behind this hat, I just hope I never have to find out just how much impact it'll take to save my head.

    I don't know what's more sad... that I actually had to work to keep this list down to 10 hats (honorable mention to the Hunting Cap with fold down ear flaps, the Pin Striped Railroad Enginners cap, and that cool hat worn by Taxi drivers that snaps down in the front) or that I own at least one from every type I put down here - except the Cheesehead.

    Victor Willis' List

    This is exciting. Completely unsolicited, I received this from a guy named Victor Willis. His list is insightful. I like it, even if he only provided six submissions.

    Hats can tell people a lot about who we are, what we're all about, like if you identify strongly with Native American culture or if you're a motorcycle enthusiast who is a big fan of all things leather. Hats can identify us with masculine stereotypes. They're who we are. These are my six favorites.

    6. Sailor's Cap
    5. Hard Hat
    4. Cowboy Hat
    3. Indian Head Dress
    2. Motorcycle Enthusiast's Leather Hat
    1. Policeman's Cap

    Tim's List

    Tim, another Button Pushing Monkey and I not only work the same shift and have the same days off, we also live in the same building. Slick's list may have been the first, but Tim's travelled the shortest distance to get to this blog.

    10 The Beefeater - Henry the 8th I am, I am
    9 The Yarmulke - I don't roll on shabbas!!
    8 The Panama Hat - Makes me want to cut my way through a jungle
    7 The Pork Pie Hat - Great Jeff Beck song
    6 The Sombrero - Once wore one while in Mexico drinking heavily
    Monkey in a Fez
    5 The kiss-me-quick hat - No Idea, just like the name
    4 The Deerstalker - Elmer Fudd would not steer you wrong
    3 The Tam O'shanter - Scottie dogs everywhere should wear one
    2 The Fez - Cause it is the name of a Steely Dan song
    1 The Tin Foil Hat - You can't be truly nuts without one

    Sean's List

    Another guy from work, although, unlike Tim, we don't spend every moment of our lives within 20 feet of each other. A nice list, most notably for the first use of the term haberdashery.

    10. Turban- I doubt I will ever wear one and I am 100% certain that if I did, I would look like an idiot. I just think they look cool, especially with a big ruby in the middle. Go Hadji.

    9. Propeller Hat- I don’t know what else to call it. Refer to #10 for my opinion of what I would like in one.

    8. Football Helmet- So many ways to decorate them. I have worn one, but I doubt if I ever will again. That actually makes me a little sad and nostalgic.

    A Top Hat
    7. Baseball Cap- The good old stand by. Where would we be without you?

    6. Top Hat- I might consider wearing one if I was dancing in a chorus line or some other absurd situation. I don’t dance so this will never happen. Actually, I did wear on in a play one time and I rather liked it. No, dancing was not involved.

    5. Crown- Again, something will never, at least until I become the King of the World (pictures himself on the rail of a ships deck with arms outstretched, seconds before plummeting into the ocean.)

    4. Hard Hat- Come on people, where would we be if it wasn’t for this genius hat. We wouldn’t even have hat stores to sell other hats in.

    3. Cabbie Hat- Could also be called old person hat. I can’t remember the technical name but I think they are pretty cool. I am so looking forward to the day I can wear one and not be considered a geek for doing it.

    2. Indiana Jones’ Hat- No, I didn’t forget the technical name. I really mean the actual hat that Harrison Ford wore as Indiana Jones. It sparked a haberdashery revolution. Everyone had a hat like it, but no one can pull off that look.

    1. The furry hat with furry ear muffs you can tie on top of your head- I hope everyone knows what I am talking about. I will probably never have one because the cold doesn’t bother me that much. All in all though, my favorite hat.

    Diva Llama's List

    Diva Llama showed up on the Songwriter's list and I was glad to have her. It's always great to have more opinions on these weighty subjects

    Hi there, BOJ.

    Here’s my hat list.

    I love hats because being a red-head my skin seems to sizzle like bacon in a frying pan in the very slightest amount of time under that tiny star in our sky.

    I wear lots of hats (ha! No pun intended). The following are my favs ways to keep the sun off me noggin.

    1. baseball cap – any color

    2. big brimmed sun hat – you know that lady you see on the beach covered in light, flowy white cotton from wrist to ankle, dark sunglasses and a BIG HUGE sun hat? Well, yeah, that’s me.

    3. my fishing hat – like a French foreign legion hat (a flattop baseball cap with tails). Keeps the sun off my neck when I’m fly fishin. Also has breathe-holes so my head doesn’t get hot.
    4. mouse
      Why? Because we like you...

    5. Mickey Mouse Ears hat – with my name on it. Doesn’t do shit for me in the sun, but I love ‘em all the same. I was 30 yrs old when I finally got mine.

    6. 3-pointed hat – an American Revolution or pirate hat, if you will. Like the ones Slick, Sarcastra and I wore at my pirate party in 2005. Niiice.
    7. School boy/Page boy hat – I have a dark chocolate brown one of these that I just adore. My grandpa used to wear one like this and it always reminds me of him when I wear mine. This doesn’t do much for me in the sun either.

    8. Bowler – One year I was Alex DeLarge for Halloween. Bought a bowler. It’s one of the coolest hats I own. My nephew crushed it. Bastard!

    9. Raspberry berets – just cuz.

    10. my halo – counts as a hat, wouldn’t it? Heh.

    This was a difficult assignment.

    That One Gal's List

    She complained that there weren't any women on the Songwriter's list, so I encouraged her to submit her own. Then she started her own blog and now goes by Bellona of Avalon, but she'll always be That One Gal to me.

    This list of hats came about in a very straightforward manner. I just wrote down the first ten hats I could think of. The first seven were easy. Eight and nine were a bit of a struggle. Ten is an homage to my Norwegian heritage.

    1) Fedora -- Brings to mind mysterious movie stars. The look is completed with over-size sunglasses.

    2) Baseball -- Great for yard work and camping. The best answer for a bad hair day.

    3) Mortarboard -- Who came up with this one?!?! It looks dorky on absolutely everyone and ironically is worn on a day when you're being honored for all of the brainy, academic things you've accomplished.

    4) Fez -- Shriners! It has a tassel! How the heck does it stay on?

    5) Stocking -- It's South Dakota. It's February. They're everywhere.

    6) Pork Pie -- It's just fun to say, isn't it!

    7) Top -- Brings to mind that little song and dance scene from Young Fankenstein. Undertakers in western movies. And the Mad Hatter from Through the Looking Glass. And pulling-rabbits-from. I'll stop now.

    8) Beret -- Shall we thank the French?

    9) Panama -- Makes me long for sunny weather and large, fruity drinks with one of those little paper umbrellas...

    10) Viking -- Preferably with horns and without a fat lady singing.

    Sarcastra's List

    A new addition to our silly lists. You can check out Sarcastra's blog at Too Lazy to be Evil

    1. Top Hat: Causing a panic when it first appeared in the late 1700s, the topper has been an eye-catcher for a while. Abraham Lincoln was famous for a modified top hat, fairy tale legend Hans Christian Anderson was a fan and Fred Astaire was classic in it. Boy George, Duke Ellington, Alice Cooper and Stevie Nicks all hit the musical arena in top hats. A veritable metric assload (much larger than your standard assload) of film, television and literature works hold characters in top hats, most recently (okay, not most recently but the movie of 'Cat in the Hat' was an atrocity, so I'm sorry to mention it all, even to mention why I'm dismissing it) featured in The League of Gentlemen on the big screen. While most commonly shown on men, women wear top hats with equal, if sexier, effect. A top hat, opera hat, Gibbous, stovepipe, topper, high hat, a magician's tool, a New Year's Eve specialty, this hat is the silky goodness rising to the top of head wear. It cannot be rivaled in class and style by any other hat, unless you get into crowns and such, but I've got to stop somewhere.

    2. Fedora: This is a close second. The fedora is probably the most commonly called to mind when any American hears the word "hat". For us, it's all about Bogart. Every seedy detective worth his smokes had a fedora and a trench coat when on the lookout for dame with great gams. Fedoras show up all over in our culture: dream job-holding Adam Savage, Sam Raimi, Johnny Depp, Kid Rock, Billy Zane and the bizarre Tom Waits are some famous wearers. In fiction, the Blues Brothers, Inspector Gadget, Freddy Kruger with the bladed gloves, the early James Bonds, Dick Tracy & Mike Hammer, the iconic Indiana Jones and even the comic book favorite Wolverine are often pictured/written in fedoras. The fedora (or trilby, the Brit's version) is a damned sexy hat. It has an appealing air about it without being snooty or unattainable; it is practical yet unnecessary at the same time. The fedora makes a statement plainly and it holds a bold invitation to the observer to find out the message. The fedora is worn by men and women with equal aplomb, and I love that kind of equality. Also, I'm completely biased because the Reverend Slick wearing a fedora is the sexiest thing on this planet.

    3. Tricorn: While it has fallen rather out of date (and therefore style) since the late 1700s, the tricorn cannot be overlooked on style. Easily adorned, often jaunty, the tricorn or three-cornered hat is foremost about fusion. Feathers, cords, emblems and all variety of trims find a comfortable and respected home on a tricorn. The tricorn was inspiring as well, it evolved into the bicorn hat that Napoleon is usually depicted as wearing and from there, the cocked hat worn point to front and back by wacky French military and English. Most popular in England and therefore, in America on the Minutemen and the time of the American Revolution, the tricorn is usually seen on enactors, with costumes or with antiquated 'dress' uniforms. While this hat may seem like a small historical note, I urge you all to consider it's potential for modern wear.

    4. Bolero hat: I have a fondness for variants of cowboy hats, but the one I would wear is the bolero. Porkie pie hats are fun to look at, but I've got a big head and can't pull them off. Plus I like the combination of the symmetrical brim with the sharp, formed circular top. This hat gives the best combination of the perkiness of a pill box top, the practicality of a wide brim, the hint of the American flavored cowboy hat along with the cuteness that comes with near-perfect circles, all into one.

    5. Gainsborough hat: The extravagance and ridiculous amount of decoration that is the Gainsborough hat was made especially popular by Thomas Gainsborough, a portrait painter capturing the look in a pleasing light. Plumes, trims, velvet, silver and gold all turned up on these elaborate covers. They often had to be held on by a chinstrap. This 'creation' eventually gave birth to the Merry Widow hat popular in Edwardian times - a simply ludicrous creation to balance a silhouette, purely fashion with the most decorations of ANY female headwear including feathers, ribbons, trims and the regular expectations but also fruits, flowers, bird nests, lizards, insects, snakes, furs, skins, spiders and anything anyone could get away with on top, bottom and any exposed sides of the thing. While completely silly, I must include it on my favorites list due to the original hat (Gainsborough) dedicated to the amplification of fashion and the later (Merry Widow) labyrinthine confection.

    6. Cavalier hat: The Musketeers, after a fashion. Worn mainly by men, the cavalier is a very wide-brimmed hat, almost always decorated with a large feather, often an ostrich plume. Cavalier hats, named after the cavaliers who supported King Charles in the English Civil War, are not only useful, but frivolous, elaborate decorative toppings on often overdone costumes -- they are still very popular in the Renaissance arenas. I seem to have a thing for 1700s hats.

    7. Newsboy or Gatsby cap: As the name implies, these were commonly worn by newspaper boys in the late 19th century although the wacky, rich golfer may be found with a bobbed one and really bad pants. The newsboy cap is a casual style, toss it on and go hat. Again, I like this hat as it can be worn equally well by women and men. Plus, with some stiff interfacing, I can make one at home if I want.

    8. Jimmy Hat (as in rubber, condom, love glove, rain coat, hazmat suit, prophylactic): While many teenaged boys find them scary, snappy things that must be decrypted, the latex, polyurethane or rubber 'hat' is a marvelous tool to have around. While not perfectly effective (and don't get it near oil-based anything), they do their part in the field by preventing STDs, pregnancy and the sticky mess
    All day long, I wear two...
    after sexual intercourse. They can be used alone or as a backup method, they keep for adequate lengths of time and are easily transportable. They come in nearly any imaginable color, texture, flavor, shape and size and can be purchased easily (at least in America) at drugstores, convenient and general stores, over the internet, sex shops and gotten freely from some health departments or hospitals. I highly recommend everyone (everyone, really) keep a few around because even if you don't use them for their intended purpose, they can also be used to transport drugs illegally or act as a liquid barrier for whatever. You just never know.

    9. Triregnum, red hat, papal tiara: The most recognizable symbol of the pope. As an atheist, I find religion entertaining at best. When the head of the church holding the largest membership in the world wears, as a symbol, the grand erection of frippery that signifies his importance to GOD and minions, it is purely comic.

    10. Tin Foil Hat: Few things will clarify delusional paranoia to an observer faster than the tin foil hat. If you're seeking a fast, cheap, formable, versatile way to shield your wrinkly gray matter from mental communications, whether originating from aliens, your government or your freaky neighbors, tin-foil is the way to go. For all that we mock the simple tin-foil hat; there is some basis in it. A thick tin-foil hat actually would block some radio waves, if grounded and complete. As in, wrap your head and neck in hefty tin foil for the best effect, but to actually make it help block waves, you'd need to wrap your whole body. So, try that out and get back to me, okay? My absolute favorite tin-foil hat scene is from the movie 'Signs' when Joaquín Phoenix's character is wearing one right along with the children when the skeptic father returns home.

    Please folks, don’t go thinking I knew all this stuff about hats; I relied heavily on the internet (especially wikipedia), scanned pages from historical costuming books and museums displaying photos of portraits on the internet.

    Ultimately without wax,

    Hats. So many. You gotta love 'em.




    MB-Valentine's Day

    Originally posted February 14th 2005.

    By November of 1988 I was married. At 23 years old, my mother complained that I was too young, even though I was older than my parents when they were married, quite a bit older than my sister when she got married. I suppose she was right, but try telling that to a 23 year old college graduate. I knew everything then, and nobody was going to talk me out of anything.

    Suprisingly, nobody had any reservations about my wife. It's not like we just ran off and got married. We had been dating since the first semester of my freshman year. We took our time and really got to know each other. Neither of us wanted to be married while going to school, so even though we knew pretty early on that we'd probably get married, we took our time.

    And things went pretty well, 3 months after getting married I got my first job in TV. The hours were crappy and I had a one hour commute each way, but I had a good woman at home making sure everything got taken care of. When the lease on our apartment in Vermillion ran out, we moved to Sioux Falls to be closer to my work. She was self employed, working out of the home, but spent about one day a week in the office in Vermillion.

    We had our little spats like all newly married couples do. I stayed out all night one night, coming home about the time she was getting up. I hadn't been up to no good, just with a friend on his delivery job. She was mad, but I wasn't really used to having to answer to anybody. I learned. I learned to live as a couple, not as an independent person who could do whatever he pleased.

    Her job took her on the road for 3 months out of the year, doing architectural survey work around the state. It was difficult for both of us, but we were able to deal with it. It made me appreciate her more the nine months she was around. My mom told me once she was envious of our relationship, the way we talked and did things together. This from a woman who's been married to the same man for over 40 years.

    But things are never perfect. Money started to be a problem. We got into a bit of debt due to poor choices on our part and some very bad luck. Then I lost my job. Things fell apart in a hurry after that. By September of 1991, she had had enough. I was told to get out. Since I couldn't pay for our apartment on my own without a job, I really didn't have any choice.

    At 26 years old I was living back at home, an emotional wreck. My family was a hugely supportive, and not to sound overly dramatic, pretty much kept me alive when I didn't have any desire to do so for myself. During this time I tried to patch things up with the wife. I got the professional help I needed, got more involved in the church, worked hard at finding a job and improving myself. I talked to her occasionally, just talk, not really too much about the future, but what was going on at that point in our lives.

    During one phone call she was on the verge of asking me to come back. She didn't actually say it, she didn't have to, I knew what the next words out of her mouth were going to be. I stopped her and told her that we hadn't fixed anything, that if we got together again, we'd end up in exactly the same situation in six weeks. She got really mad at me, things weren't good up to that point, but we had always tried to be civil. After that she was vicious. I still tried, though. I still wanted to make things work, but I was too emotionally messed up to move back in with her. I talked to her occasionally, but she always ended up angry. She always asked me for money, even though she was the one who still had a job, still had access to our joint accounts.

    What happened next really wasn't a suprise except for the timing. A few minutes before midnight on February 14th 1992, I was on the front porch of my parents house being served with papers by a young deputy sheriff who didn't want to be there any more than I did. Poor bastard didn't want to ruin somebody's Valentine's day and I could really feel for him. Here I was signing divorce papers and being read a restraining order. Everything was dated February 12th, it would have taken two days for the mail to travel from one end of the state to the other. As far as I was concerened, it was premeditated.

    I'd be lying if I said that the timing didn't make me angry. It did, but what the timing did was made me realize that it was over. There was no way this was going to be patched up, it was plainly obvious now. I didn't have to be nice to this woman anymore, I didn't have to try not to piss her off to the point where she'd never take me back. That was never going to happen. It was done. Nothing was going to fix this, and the only course of action left was to move forward.

    She'd tried to hurt me and succeeded. It still hurts today, though it's slightly less pain with each passing year. What she really did, though, was took away all hope. As horrible as that sounds, that's exactly what I needed. With no hope of patching things up, I didn't have to be nice anymore. I wouldn't be taken advantage of.

    Sometime in August of 1994 it was finally over. I signed the papers making it official at a law office in Vermillion, just a few blocks away from the apartment we'd shared as newlyweds. We hadn't owned anything of value. The personal belongings had been divided long before. Still she tried to get money out of me, tried to saddle me with debt she had incurred before we were married. I wouldn't have it. If she hadn't shown me so clearly that it was over, I may have submitted. As it was, I fought her on everything I thought unjust. I won some, I lost some. In then end, it turned out as fair as these kind of things can. She hadn't taken advantage of me, I hadn't taken advantage of her. That's all I wanted.



    Tuesday, February 13, 2007


    RPS Tournament Preview

    Exciting action in this past weekend's RPS tournament, but let's look ahead to this weeks action. First, the statistics:

  • Darin vs. Rashid - He received a first round Bye, so little is known about the game of Darin. Rashid survived an epic first round match-up against the strong team leader, Sean. Rashid is slightly "paper-heavy" but proved to be capable of changing tactics against a strong opponet. Darin is untested.

    BOJ Predicition: Rashid 3-1

  • BOJ vs. BPM - The championship of the "Blogger Division" as the bottom half of the bracket has come to be known. BOJ has shown a true balanced offense. BPM may be tired from lifting boxes and such. I don't expect much of a battle here, even if he is my neighbor.

    BOJ Prediction: BOJ 3-0 Remember, I am BOJ, wager accordingly...

  • It's all so easy if you break things down scientifically... you'll have to excuse me, I saw Nicky Bakay on a Buffalo Sabres telecast this week. America is looking forward to this weeks exciting RPS action.




    Positive About "Billy the Mime"

    This isn't going to be a post about mimes, surprisingly, I've already done one of those. I could get into how much I loved the movie Shakes the Clown and how the clowns would just beat the hell out of mimes. That was funny, and easy to enjoy because, well, who really like mimes?

    But there is one mime I really like, though this post will only mention his mime works. Steven Banks, aka "Billy the Mime" is a funny and unbelievably talented guy. He had a short lived sitcom on PBS (yes, a sitcom on PBS) called, logically enough, The Steven Banks Show. It was based on a Showtime special called Steven Banks' Home Entertainment Center.

    I just watched Home Entertainment Center again on You Tube. It is so amazing, the man is so talented, both as a performer and songwriter that I simply can't believe he's not incredibly famous. Segment 3 (my favorite of the You Tube clips) is embeded in this post (it's an HTML term). Watch it. Now. I'll still be here when you get back.

    In a weird way, working master control at a PBS station is one of the best things that ever happened to me musically. First I worked overnights and was alone in the building with just my harmonica for at least six hours a night. I wrote my first songs sitting in master control at 4am. Some of them were pretty good, so I kept at it.

    Second, I was exposed to some great music on shows like Austin City Limits. The show that had the biggest effect on me was a stupid sitcom that ran one summer. The Steven Banks Show featured riotously funny songs by Steven every week. That showed me how much fun lyrics can be. Lyrics can be about anything, music doesn't have to be serious and I learned that that type of music can be extremely entertaining.

    In segment 3 that you just watched (you did watch it, right?) Steven does a song called Bar-B-Que Blues. I learned the harp part while working at PBS, came up
    gured out guitar chords and have performed it on guitar and harmonica since. So I learn songs from sitcoms. I'm a little weird that way.

    Steven did a little puppet/mime work on his show, so I wasn't too surpised when, while trying to find out what Steven had been up to, I found a lot of references to Billy the Mime.

    Later I saw the movie The Aristocrats, in which Billy the Mime did a mime of the dirtiest joke ever told. Not your typical mime fodder, but Billy the Mime is no ordinary mime.

    And Steven Banks isn't your ordinary songwriter/performer.



    Monday, February 12, 2007


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    Two talk show offers in one week. What are the odds?



    Sunday, February 11, 2007


    RPS Tournament
    Results for Round One


    Round one of the first Saturday Swing Shift RPS Tournament provided lots of exciting action. Let's take a looke at the results of week one's exciting match-ups:

    BPM----- R S R R S - 3
    Slick----- S P P R P - 1

    The first of the day's match-ups, Slick was taken out of his game immediately. Having learned RPS on the streets, Slick never adjusted to BPM's clinical style, falling behind 2-0 after the first two throws. A "paper covers rock" victory and a "rocks push" kept him in the game for the next to throws, but BPM's unexpected choice of "scissors" on the final throw of the game put Slick out of action. The professional conduct of this tournament took Slick out of his game, his questionable tactics remaining under control for now.

    Rashid--- S R P S R P P S P S R P - 3
    Sean------ P R P R R P P S P S S R - 1

    Easily the day's most exciting match. Rashid came out confident, sure of every throw, winning the first and looking to move on easily. Sean, a veteran, wouldn't fall so easily, though. The next two throw were pushes, with Sean tying things up with a crafty throw of "Rock" in throw four. The next six throws will be discussed by RPS journalists for generations to come not only for there pulse pounding excitement, but for there controversial nature. Six straight pushes after which Rashid requested a time out, removed his ring and readied himself for continued play. Rashid promptly won the next two throws and moves on to the semi-finals over Sean's objections.

    BOJ----- P S R R P S - 3
    Scott---- S P S R S P - 2

    Another exciting match. After a false start by Scott, play resumed with Scott winning the first thorw with a cunning choice of "scissors." BOJ was able to overcome the intial setback by winning the next two throws. The competitors found themselves deadlocked after five throws, the hushed crowd settling in for a long, drawn out battle. BOJ threw "scissors" on throw six to Scott's "paper" in an anti-climactic ending that no one enjoyed. The big star of this match was "scissors," a winner of four of the five points in this match, and only coming out on the losing end in one throw.

    Stay tuned to The Globex Corporation Newsletter in the coming days for expert analysis and previews of next weekend's RPS action.



    Saturday, February 10, 2007


    [Nameless Company] is Fan-Freaking-Tastic!

    Sometimes I feel bad about my job and the comany I work for. I feel that we aren't really doing anything for humanity. Then I see a copy of an email sent to a customer:

    ...[Nameless Company] is firmly committed to keeping you and your family safe from alien invasion...

    Alien Invasion!!! Yes, I am part of something important. And to think, that other satellite provider didn't answer the frightened man's email. Glad I don't work there anymore...



    Friday, February 09, 2007


    What's Wrong With Television News

    I'm a news junkie. I'm unapologetic about that. I really like information. While the internet is great for having news at your fingertips, my medium of choice, at least for breaking stories, is television.

    I was sick and home from school the day Anwar Sadat was assassinated in Egypt. The, the big 3 networks were really the only TV news operators. I watched the coverage on NBC news, which was my favorite news operation at the time. There were, of course, technical difficulties in getting the story to the United States, it was 1981 after all and the whole world wasn't wired together like it is today. While satellite technology was in existence, it wasn't as mobile and prevalent as it is today. And everything wasn't shot on video like it is today.

    But video was shot and it ended up at a satellite uplink (presumably in Cairo) and images were available to a high school boy too sick to go to school that day.

    I think of how the President of Egypt was assassinated and how, while it was an important news story, the networks didn't go absolutely ape shit over it. A lot of that was because of technological limitations, but there really wasn't a demand for that coverage in the United States.

    In those days, the news that we received on television was from a news division at one of the networks. The entertainment divisions of NBC, ABC and CBS were the money makers, news was never supposed to make money. And news never did make money.

    Now CNN existed at this time, but not like we know it today. It wasn't in nearly as many homes as not nearly as many homes subscribed to cable as do today. I didn't have CNN when Sadat was assassinated, so I don't know how they covered the story. My guess it was much the same as NBC did.

    I can't tell you exactly when things changed. My guess is the first Gulf War, when CNN was light years ahead of the broadcast networks in their coverage. CNN was ready for a war, they had reporters in place, had flashy graphics ready to go. Look, we all knew this war was going to happen, hell we knew exactly when it was going to start. NBC, ABC and CBS were somehow caught flat footed.

    I was working at an NBC affiliate at the time. When I went home I would watch NBC, but I would also watch a lot of CNN becasue they seemed to be on the ball.

    CNN gained a lot of prestige from the war. The were suddenly a player in international news, and a profitable one at that. But the war was the story for 1,100 hours and once that was over, CNN had trouble keeping viewers.

    CNN was 24 hours a day, they were competing against networks, but networks with news divisions that weren't expected to make money. Yes, CNN was owned by Turner and Ted's pockets were deep and he had other money making media holdings, but to survive, CNN had to be sensational.

    Then other news networks were born, Fox and MSNBC were launched. CNN had competition in cable news. All tried sensationalism. And it's worked.

    Is this really a huge story?
    Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday, a woman who is primarily known as a former stripper who married an octegenarian Oil mogul. I just watched 15 minutes at the top of the hour on CNN, all about Anna Nicole Smith. Anna Nicole Smith!

    I understand that she was a celebirity. If Tom Cruise were to die tomorrow, CNN, Fox News and MSNBC would go ape shit for a week. I get that, but for fuck's sake, there's a war going on. People are dying every day, people who aren't famous like Anna Nicole Smith, but whose lives every bit as important as.

    The problem with television news is that it has to make money. So it has to pander to the lowest common denomonator. Anna Nicole Smith. They have to keep the ratings up, so they have to do stories that people will watch, not the most important stories, but the ones that will improve the ratings.

    I like CNN. I watch every day, some days it's the only thing I'll have on my TV. I like my ability to see TV news 24 hours a day, every day. But I want to see news. I don't want to see bullshit about some feud between Rosie O'Donnel and Donald Trump. I take that back, I do want to see that, but not only that. I don't need fifteen minutes at the top of the hour about a dead bimbo.


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