Globex Corporation Newsletter

So I grabbed a beer and sat down to watch game 3 of the NBA Finals last night. To this point, the Heat's Berserk-a-Dirk defense hasn't done much to stop the big, Hasselhoff loving German, but this game was in Miami and things can work out differently for a team at home.

The phone rang during the pregame show and I picked it up and said 'hello.' No one was there. I waited a couple of seconds and nobody came on the line. I checked the caller ID and found that the call was from a toll free number, 1-800-827-6364. I called the number and found out that it was AOL.

I forgot about the NBA Finals, this could be a whole lot more fun than any mere basketball game. After working my way through their labrynthine (I can't possibly have spelled that correctly) automated phone service and a 20 minute wait, I was finally connected to a 'consultant.' I asked what was up and why AOL wanted to talk to me. The consultant wanted my account number. I do not now, nor have I ever had an AOL account. I informed the consultant of that fact and demanded that he tell me why AOL had contacted me as I was very eager to find out what this was all about. The consultant could not help me so I asked to speak to his supervisor.

Jacob came on the line a few minutes later. I told Jacob that I needed to know why AOL had contacted me. He told me that he was unable to get that information for me, but after some hemming and hawing he told me he'd find out and call me back. I told him that he could find out while he was on the line with me, see, Jacob was trying to get rid of me, he had no intention of calling me back.

I asked Jacob how he could not give me the information I requested one second and the next second inform me that he'd get the information and call me back. I told Jacob he was not telling me the truth and requested to speak to his supervisor.

Jacob informed me that I couldn't speak to his supervisor. I asked how I could get in touch with his supervisor. At this point thing became a little surreal. Jacob informed me that he didn't have a supervisor. When I asked Jacob is he were the head of AOL, he informed me that I was correct.

Cool! I'm talking to the head of AOL! He works in the call center on Tuesday nights! What a progressive company. Being a busy man, controlling such a large corporation and what not, Jacob was through talking to me and hung up on me.

HUNG UP ON ME?!?!?

That don't fly with BOJ, gentle readers, so I immediately called back. After all of the bullshit required to talk to an actual person, I again reached a consultant. We went through the whole bullshit about my account number again, but I cut him short and asked to speak to Jacob. Jacob was not avaliable, this I understand as Jacob was probably off making earth shattering decisions as he is, as we know now, the head of AOL. With Jacob unavaliable, I asked to speak with another supervisor. The consultant put me on hold coming back a few seconds later and informing me that his supervisor wouldn't come over. Not couldn't come over, he was avaliable, he simply chose not to talk to me. When I inquired as to what the fuck was up with that, the consultant hung up on me.


HUNG UP ON ME?!?!?

What the hell has happened to customer service in this country? If I really expected anything to happen in this pointless I'd have been really pissed off. I called back one more time finally getting to yet another consultant. I guess. Probably, I mean I just left the phone off the hook after I got on hold. Infintile I know, but at least I got to watch the rest of the game.

So this morning I called 1-800-827-6364 yet again. This time I talked to a very friendly guy named Harley. Harley put me on their "Do Not Call" list but what I really wanted was to talk to someone in charge of call centers. Harley gave me an address that I could send a letter to. When I inquired about a name of who I should address this compalaint to, I was informed that if I put a name on it, it would never get to the person it needed to get to. What kind of bizzaro-fucking-universe does AOL exist in? The head of the company answers phones on Tuesday evenings and addressed mail doesn't get to who it's addressed to. Still, Harley was much more helpful than the 3 people I'd talked to up to this point. Definitely 'employee of the month' as far as I'm concerened.

After a little research, I found a phone number for AOL's corporate offices in Dulles, VA. Since I don't pay any addtional charges for long distance, I gave a call and eventually got ahold of a woman named Ginger. Since Harley will be 'employee of the month' for June, Ginger will have to wait until July. She was unbelievably helpful. I told her the whole story of what had happened and she requested that I make a complaint, particularly about Jacob. We think we've narrowed down what call center he works in and since we know about what time all of this happend, we know what shift he works on. And here's a real shocker, it turns out that Jacob isn't actually the head of AOL and he does have a superior or two withing their corporate structure. So he lied to me about getting the information I requested and he lied about his position within the company. I'm shocked, shocked I tell you about what happened here.

I any case, I requested that AOL get back in touch with me so that I know how this is all resolved. If they do not in a day or two, I will contact Ginger as I have her phone number and email address.

This will get taken care of. AOL doesn't realize who they're dealing with here. I'm a guy who regularly sits down at a computer and just bangs away for an hour or more, posting minutiae about his pathetic life. I gots the time, baby. I gots the time to hound people until I get the answers I need.

Not that it will do any good. AOL will continue to treat other people like shit on the phone. They won't do it to me anymore, but they could do it to you. Yeah, it's easy to just hang up on these annoying calls and just let it pass. If a telemarketer calls you for any reason they want you to do one of two things. They want you to purchase the goods or services they are offering, failing that, they want you to hang up immediately so they can go on to the next person.

Don't do it. Don't hang up, particularly if you don't have anything better to do at the moment. Waste as much of their time as possible. Ask questions, hell actually act interested. Ask them if they can hold on for a second, go to the bathroom, come back and ask if their still there. My personal record is keeping a telemarketer on the phone for 28 minutes (estimated) then at the end telling them I was deiliberately wasting their time.

I know it didn't do any good in the long run, but while they were talking to me, they didn't bother about 20 other people. I'm taking one for the team.

BOJ