Thursday, April 29, 2010


Things I've Actually Said to Women
(No, I'm Not Kidding)

  • "You don't know my name, do you?"

  • "I couldn't remember where you lived.

  • "Whatever type are in my hands at the moment."
    My answer to, "What kind of boobs do you like?"

  • "Because you were conveniently located."
    My answer to the woman who lived in the basement of my building's question, "Why me?"

  • "Just thinking about how you're not worth all the trouble."
    My answer to, "What are you doing?"

  • "I'm really not comfortable with someone liking me so much."

  • "So, how big are those anyway?"

  • ...all of these went over EXTREMELY well...



    Wednesday, April 28, 2010

    Hee hee hee. I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas brake honk. Gas brake honk. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas.

    King Size Homer


    Tuesday, April 27, 2010

    Warehouses above
    All I'm thinking of
    You gave your heart to me
    And soon the world will see
    Our graffiti love
    Spraypaint on my glove
    They'll wonder who you are
    On every subway car

    On every subway car you look amazing
    While streaming out of bars
    Their glasses raising
    Systemically refused
    And chemically removed

    Barenaked Ladies
    "Every Subway Car"
    All In Good Time


    Monday, April 26, 2010

    From The Onion:

    'South Park' Creators Threatened By Extremists

    In response to a South Park episode in which the Prophet Muhammad appears in a bear costume, the radical Muslim website hinted that the TV show’s creators would end up like murdered Dutch filmmaker Theo Van Gogh. What do you think?

    Alex Weber,
    Systems Analyst
    "This ultimately boils down to a very thorny question of intercultural sensitivity: Should Islamic extremists be allowed to kill whoever they want?"

    Carla Davidson,
    Nitrator Operator
    "It scares me when people don't think bears are hilarious."

    Doug Reber,
    "The 23rd Surah of the Quran explicitly describes the Prophet receiving Allah's word while wearing a bear suit for his niece's fourth birthday party, so I'm not sure where the offense is."

    "Blind Orange" Julius,
    Blog Idiot
    "There's a lot of ways I could go here, but the most obvious one is: 'Oh my God! You killed Trey and Matt! You Bastards!'"



    Thursday, April 22, 2010


    Career Rushing Yards - Players Drafted in the 1976 NFL Draft

    With tonight's NFL draft, let's take a moment to remember that where a player is drafted isn't a definitive indicator of success...

    1. Mike Pruitt - 7378
      Selected in First Round

    2. Chuckie Muncie - 6702
      Selected in First Round

    3. Joe Washington - 4839
      Selected in First Round

    4. Tony Galbreath - 4072
      Selected in Second Round

    5. Sherman Smith - 3520
      Selected in Second Round

    6. Wayne Morris - 3387
      Selected in Fifth Round

    7. Archie Griffin - 2808
      Won two Heisman Trophies
      Selected in First Round

    8. Mike Hogan - 1835
      Selected in Ninth Round

    9. Paul Hofer - 1746
      Selected in Eleventh Round

    10. Bubba Bean - 1528
      Selected in First Round


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    Wednesday, April 21, 2010

    Don't you hate pants?!?

    The Last Temptation of Krust


    Tuesday, April 20, 2010

    If there's a god
    He is laughing at us
    And our football team

    Ben Folds
    Way to Normal


    Thursday, April 15, 2010


    Things Women Have Actually Said to Me
    (No, I'm Not Kidding)

  • "I don't mind if you annoy me."

  • "I'll call you when I get my head out of my ass."
    she never called, so we know where her head has been for the past 17 years

    actualy IM'd to me right before I had to leave for work

  • "Maybe you could pay for my sofa, then we could go upstairs"
    My response? "I'll tell you what you can do, you can go fuck yourself."

    it would take hours to explain everything I was going throgh at that moment - but I'm really sorry that your job isn't everything you wanted it to be

  • "Well, I guess it's time for me to take 'the walk of shame.'"

  • "Forty-four is my age, not my bust size."
    but I got a good song out of it

  • "Yep."
    which was the answer to my question "Are you still mad at me?"

  • "You're a great guy, but..."
    who am I kidding, they've all said that

  • "I know you'll just write a mean song about me."
    not if you'd derive any pleasure from it...

  • BOJ


    Wednesday, April 14, 2010

    Anyway, rock and roll had become stagnant. "Achy Breaky Heart" was seven years away; something had to fill the void. That something was barbershop.

    Homer's Barbershop Quartet


    Tuesday, April 13, 2010

    I don't care what the people is thinkin'
    I ain't drunk
    I'm just drinkin'

    Albert Collins
    "I Ain't Drunk"
    Cold Snap


    Thursday, April 08, 2010


    Career Passing Yardage for NFL Quarterbacks Whose Last Names Start With 'Z'

    1. Jim Zorn - 21,115

    2. Roy Zimmerman - 4801

    3. Eric Zeier - 3250

    4. Scott Zolak - 1314


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    Wednesday, April 07, 2010

    You su-diddely-uck, Flanders! Hear ye, hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!

    Lisa the Iconoclast


    Tuesday, April 06, 2010

    So your girlfriend rolls a Honda
    Playin' workout tapes by Fonda
    But Fonda ain't got a motor
    In the back of her Honda
    My anaconda don't want none
    Unless you've got buns, hun

    Sir Mix-A-Lot
    "Baby Got Back"
    Mack Daddy


    Thursday, April 01, 2010


    The Top 10 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time

    From the really cool article: The Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time
    1. The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest
      The respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied, "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.

    2. Sidd Finch
      Sports Illustrated published a story about a new rookie pitcher who planned to play for the Mets. His name was Sidd Finch, and he could reportedly throw a baseball at 168 mph with pinpoint accuracy. This was 65 mph faster than the previous record. Surprisingly, Sidd Finch had never even played the game before. Instead, he had mastered the "art of the pitch" in a Tibetan monastery under the guidance of the "great poet-saint Lama Milaraspa." Mets fans celebrated their teams' amazing luck at having found such a gifted player, and Sports Illustrated was flooded with requests for more information. In reality this legendary player only existed in the imagination of the author of the article, George Plimpton.

    3. Instant Color TV
      In 1962 there was only one tv channel in Sweden, and it broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce that, thanks to a new technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to display color reception. All they had to do was pull a nylon stocking over their tv screen. Stensson proceeded to demonstrate the process. Thousands of people were taken in. Regular color broadcasts only commenced in Sweden on April 1, 1970.

    4. The Taco Liberty Bell
      The Taco Bell Corporation announced it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would now be known, he said, as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

    5. San Serriffe
      The British newspaper The Guardian published a special seven-page supplement devoted to San Serriffe, a small republic said to consist of several semi-colon-shaped islands located in the Indian Ocean. A series of articles affectionately described the geography and culture of this obscure nation. Its two main islands were named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse. Its capital was Bodoni, and its leader was General Pica. The Guardian's phones rang all day as readers sought more information about the idyllic holiday spot. Only a few noticed that everything about the island was named after printer's terminology. The success of this hoax is widely credited with launching the enthusiasm for April Foolery that gripped the British tabloids in subsequent decades.

    6. Nixon for President
      National Public Radio's Talk of the Nation program announced that Richard Nixon, in a surprise move, was running for President again. His new campaign slogan was, "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." Accompanying this announcement were audio clips of Nixon delivering his candidacy speech. Listeners responded viscerally to the announcement, flooding the show with calls expressing shock and outrage. Only during the second half of the show did the host John Hockenberry reveal that the announcement was a practical joke. Nixon's voice was impersonated by comedian Rich Little.

    7. Alabama Changes the Value of Pi
      My all-time favorite...
      The April 1998 issue of the New Mexicans for Science and Reason newsletter contained an article claiming that the Alabama state legislature had voted to change the value of the mathematical constant pi from 3.14159 to the 'Biblical value' of 3.0. Soon the article made its way onto the internet, and then it rapidly spread around the world, forwarded by email. It only became apparent how far the article had spread when the Alabama legislature began receiving hundreds of calls from people protesting the legislation. The original article, which was intended as a parody of legislative attempts to circumscribe the teaching of evolution, was written by physicist Mark Boslough.

    8. The Left-Handed Whopper
      Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."

    9. Hotheaded Naked Ice Borers
      Discover Magazine reported that the highly respected wildlife biologist Dr. Aprile Pazzo had found a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. These fascinating creatures had bony plates on their heads that, fed by numerous blood vessels, could become burning hot, allowing the animals to bore through ice at high speeds. They used this ability to hunt penguins, melting the ice beneath the penguins and causing them to sink downwards into the resulting slush where the hotheads consumed them. After much research, Dr. Pazzo theorized that the hotheads might have been responsible for the mysterious disappearance of noted Antarctic explorer Philippe Poisson in 1837. "To the ice borers, he would have looked like a penguin," the article quoted her as saying. Discover received more mail in response to this article than they had received for any other article in their history.

    10. Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity
      The British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 AM a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and lessen the Earth's own gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 AM arrived, BBC2 began to receive hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her eleven friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.



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    The Bert Convey
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