Tuesday, August 31, 2010


Fake Gambling 2010-2011

It's that time of year again, the happiest time on the internet, when I make totally fake wagers on sporting (primarily NFL) events. Armed with 1,000 completely fictitious dollars, I will wager on real sporting events in the hopes of ending the NFL season with more spurious cash then I began with.

  • In a departure from past years, all lines will be taken from bodog.com

  • While most wagers will be of the "point spread" variety, I reserve the right to make straight wagers, props and exotics as I see fit and as available

  • Odds will be played and will be displayed in "american" fashion, i.e. (-110) denotes that a wager of $110 will return $100 while (+110) would denote a $100 wager that returns $110 - and I hate math!

  • While NFL wagers will comprise the bulk of the wagers, College, CFL and UFL as well as other sports may be wagered

  • A note on college wagers: colleges where women I have be involved earned their Masters degrees MUST be wagered against if at all - while this almost always will involve Colorado State and Wyoming, South Dakota State, Nebraska-Omaha and some small east coast college that probably doesn't even have sports must be wagered against if at all

  • Stay tuned all season long to watch my fake money evaporate!


    You can do anything
    If you believe
    Make a plan that says "I can"
    And you will achieve
    You can do anything
    If you believe
    You can do anything
    Unless you're a girl

    Hard n' Phirm
    Horses and Grasses


    Thursday, August 26, 2010


    Seven Careers I Didn't Know Existed (And Probably Didn't Exist) in 1983

    1. Entertainment Reporter
      Mary Hart retiring from Entertainment Tonight made me think of this. An explosion of clone shows, cable networks and entertainment blogs has turned this into a growth industry.

    2. Fantasy Sports Expert
      We didn't even have fantasy sports in 1983, now people are making a living telling us who to draft in our leagues.

    3. Paparazzo
      OK, this probably existed in 1983, but more as a sideline. Today you can make a living taking pictures and video of (and mercilessly hounding) the rich and famous.

    4. Political Blogger
      There always have been and always will be loud mouths shouting about politics. The internet gives everyone a place to potentially reach millions of people with little overhead. Get a couple of sponsors and voila, you get yourself a career, and all without leaving the house.

    5. Public Videographer
      You know, like those Girls Gone Wild guys. They're making a living, right? Making a living getting girls to flash them. You know, at a different time in my life...

    6. Professional Poker Player
      I'm sure this career has existed for years, but it's only been mainstream for the past few years. Mainstream enough to list it as your occupation on your tax return.

    7. Reality TV Star
      Why do I know who Heidi Spencer are? Or Richard Hatch? Or Snooki? Make a mark on some stupid reality show and become part of the public consciousness. Down the road, someone will pay you money, too much money, for having no talent.



    Wednesday, August 25, 2010


    Prediction Time

  • Philadelphia Eagles

  • Washington Redskins

  • Dallas Cowboys

  • New York Giants

  • The best division in football. I wouldn't be completely surprised whoever wins the East. Philadelphia is loaded with weapons, McNabb and Shanahan greatly improve the 'Skins, the 'Boys are as talented top to bottom as anyone and the Giants perform well in all of the game's aspects.

  • Green Bay Packers

  • Minnesota Vikings

  • Chicago Bears

  • Detroit Lions

  • The Pack really came on at the end of the year. Favre and the Vikings had a magical year last year, with WR injuries, they can't be that good again. The Bears will improve if Cutler buys into Martz's new offense. The Lions will be better and are moving in the right direction.

  • Atlanta Falcons

  • New Orleans Saints

  • Carolina Panthers

  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers

  • A healthy Matt Ryan moves the Falcons to a whisper away from being an elite team. The Saints are good but have lost parts. The Panthers can't help but be better. Tampa Bay will be looking forward to a top 5 pick next year.

  • San Francisco 49ers

  • Arizona Cardinals

  • Seattle Seahawks

  • St. Louis Rams

  • If the 'Niners can't win the West this year, it will be because of QB Alex Smith. He HAS to play well or look for a new line of work in 2011. Matt Leinert has the tools to win around him, can he win with them? The 'Hawks and Rams are trainwrecks.

  • New England Patriots

  • New York Jets

  • Miami Dolphins

  • Buffalo Bills

  • One through three, this is a good division. The Pats get the nod, a talented well coached team. Careful with all this Jets hysteria, they barely made the playoffs and are just average at the QB position. The Dolphins might end up to be the best team that doesn't make the playoffs. The Bills gots nuthin'.

  • Baltimore Ravens

  • Cincinnati Bengals

  • Pittsburgh Steelers

  • Cleveland Browns

  • The Ravens now have a dangerous offense to go with that defense. The Bengals have improved themselves, but not as much as the Ravens. The Steelers won't recover from a poor start minus Rothlisberger. The Browns are years away from being competitive.

  • Indianapolis Colts

  • Houston Texans

  • Tennesse Titans

  • Jacksonville Jaguars

  • Ho Hum, The Colts win 12+ games again. The Texans have b e en so close for so long, this has to be the year. Everybody remembers the Titans' 8-2 finish, just don't forget their 0-6 start, that happened too.

  • San Diego Chargers

  • Oakland Raiders

  • Kansas City Chiefs

  • Denver Broncos

  • The Chargers fall off but win the West because the division stinks. Jason Campbell makes the Raider a playoff contender. The Chiefs are on their way. The Broncos aren't.

    Philadelphia Eagles
    North Green Bay Packers
    South Atlanta Falcons
    West San Francisco 49ers

    Wild Card Minnesota Vikings
    Wild Card New Orleans Saints

    New England Patriots
    North Baltimore Ravens
    South Indianapolis Colts
    West San Diego Chargers

    Wild Card Cincinnati Bengals
    Wild Card Houston Texans

    Super Bowl XLV
    Green Bay Packers and Baltimore Ravens

    But what do I know.



    Then run along, you little scamp! A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

    The Telltale Head


    Tuesday, August 24, 2010

    I rode the jetstream, I hit the top
    I'm eating steak and lobster tails
    The sauna's drafty, the pools too hot
    The kitchen stinks of boiling snails.
    The taxman's coming, the butler quit
    This ain't no place to be a man
    I'm going back to where I started
    I'm flashing back into my pan.

    It's better in a hell hole
    You know where you stand in a hell hole
    Folks lend a hand in a hell hole
    Girl get me back to my hell hole

    Spinal Tap
    "Hell Hole"
    This Is Spinal Tap


    Thursday, August 19, 2010


    Quarterbacks Who Have Been on the Bench Behind Brett Favre

    1. Don Majkowski

    2. Ty Detmer

    3. Mark Brunell

    4. T.J. Rubley

    5. Jim McMahon

    6. Steve Bono

    7. Matt Hasselbeck

    8. Craig Nall

    9. Aaron Rodgers

    10. Kellen Clemens

    11. Tavaris Jackson

    12. Sage Rosenfels

    Additionally, the following quarterbacks were in training camp behind Favre and went on to play for other teams:

  • Kurt Warner

  • Aaron Brooks

  • Cleo Lemon

  • BOJ

    Labels: ,

    Wednesday, August 18, 2010

    Frosty Krusty Flakes is what got him where he is today! It must be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart... I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare, in case Bart's brain blows up.

    Bart the Genius


    Tuesday, August 17, 2010

    Nobody loves me but my mother,
    and she could be jivin' too

    Nobody loves me but my mother,
    and she could be jivin' too

    Now you see why I act funny baby,
    when you do the things you do

    B.B. King
    "Nobody Loves Me But My Mother"
    King of the Blues


    Thursday, August 12, 2010


    8 Simple Rules for Drinking My Tasty Coffees

    From Nerdist:

    1. This isn’t the gelato shop on Saturday night– order your coffee and move on
      While you may be confused by something new on the menu, when ordering your coffee first thing in the morning, it is best to refrain from asking more than a question or two. Caffeine is a delightful addiction and some of those people behind you might be packing heat and wondering why you’re coffee-blocking them. If you need to read the menu for a couple minutes or for the love of all that is good and decent, make a phone call, DO step out of line.

    2. Play foursquare on your phone, not the side of your cup
      The number of modifiers you add when describing your drink is directly proportional to the size of a douchebag your fellow customers think you are. The staff are likely to cheerfully oblige you, but the meter on this cab to cheese-log island is only running higher the longer you keep adjective-izing.

    3. Try something new
      Coffee is a crop and grows on trees– it has seasons. If your usual coffee or blend is gone for a time, don’t fret. Take it as a chance to learn about seasonality and give the new brown hotness a chance

    4. Don’t make demands
      If a shop doesn’t make the coffee you want or in the way you’re used to, either trundle your way back up to rule 3 or walk out the door. Half way into the sentence “But, WHY don’t you…” it should become clear that you’re dangerously straddling the line between your Aunt Rosie’s “Why I NEVER, in MY day I would sooner spoon up puddle water than pay more than 5 cents for a cup of…” and your Four Year Old Self “Buh, buh, buh I want the OTHER…ice…cre-hee-hee-heeeeAAM” (mouth spittle forming into a huge bubble that inexplicably won’t pop as you silently mouth the word “mom”). Coffee shops have different standards, equipment, and menus. They may not be able to make the beverage you’re used to. They may have tried making your beverage and realized it tasted bad or that they couldn’t make a profit on it. If you want something they don’t have, the time to make a suggestion is in a friendly note mailed to the owner, not while in line in front of a lady whose two toddlers have been alternately serving as freeweights and air raid sirens and who sees your neck as the only thing standing between herself and her cup of coffee.

    5. Get your beverage for-here or in ceramic
      While using ceramic is better for trees and landfills, the real beneficiary in all this is your mouth. Ceramic always tastes better than paper and mostly doesn’t taste at all. As an alternative, pick yourself up a ceramic to-go cup. A lot of places will throw a dime at you for bringing your own cup, mind you, your mug might get chucked back at you if it’s dirty

    6. Buy some whole bean coffee to take home
      Unless you’re standing at one of the very few remaining coffee carts left in the nation, one of the ways that coffee shops keep the doors open is by selling whole bean coffee. Show your local shop some support and buy some coffee to take home. Also, few things will give you an appreciation for all the hard work your baristas do quite like trying to make coffee for yourself for a change.

    7. Be disloyal
      I don’t mean to say that you should spurn the folks running your favorite shop, just that you should get out there and try some different shops. Coffee is continuing to evolve and proliferate and if you branch out now and again you might just find something new worth supporting. Shops around the nation are starting to follow the 2009 World Barista Champion’s lead to create disloyalty cards that ask customers to try several cafes around a particular city with the reward being a free cup of coffee at your favorite location. Seattle’s disloyalty card is off and running and it appears that the ATL will be 2nd to launch theirs.

    8. Tip
      It’s not always easy when you’re dealing with credit and store cards, but when you receive good service for a tasty beverage, give your barista a tip. You throw a dollar at that bartender for leaning on a knob to deliver your $2.75 PBR, so why not the same for the person that is going to grind, dose, tamp, and carpal-tunnel their way to deliver your brown juice? A good barista has the ability to not only deliver you a tasty beverage, but can sometimes even adjust your attitude back to “I’m going back into the meeting and showing that boss of mine SOMETHING. I will roll my eyes ONLY HALF the time! When I alternately nod off and re-awake in short succession it will be with so much gusto they’ll swear I’m channeling Brian Posehn at a Slayer concert T! P! S! Re-POOORT!” Like I was saying, baristas could use the appreciation and honestly, the money. Witness barista Michael Phillips of Intelligentsia Coffee bringing home the World Barista Championship to the United States for the first time since it’s inception 11 years ago. Years of practice and preparation while holding down his day job and his only payout is more work in coffee (and the ability to rock suspenders like no other). There is no Food Network show in the works, mild fame outside of coffee, little fortune other than his humble pride for a job done well, all that and …just part of what’s left in the tip jar at the end of the day.


    Wednesday, August 11, 2010

    I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.

    Homer's Odyssey


    Tuesday, August 10, 2010

    People tell me
    "Ben, just make up junk
    And turn it in"
    But I never was alright with turning in
    A bunch of shit
    I don't like wasting time
    On music that won't make me proud
    But now I've found a reason
    To sit right down and shit some out

    One down
    And three-point-six
    And I'm out of here
    One down
    And three-point-six
    And I'm out of here
    Yeah, yeah

    Ben Folds
    "One Down"
    Ben Folds Live


    Thursday, August 05, 2010


    Most Popular Lists

    At Listverse:

    1. 10 Human Creations Attributed To Aliens

    2. Top 10 Murderers You Secretly Love

    3. Top 12 Most Controversial Games

    4. Top 10 Difficult Literary Works

    5. 11 Brain-Twisting Paradoxes

    6. Top 10 Greatest Food Combinations

    7. Top 10 Worst Movie Sequels

    8. Top 10 Clowns You Don’t Want To Mess With

    9. Top 10 Places You Don’t Want To Visit

    10. Top 10 Bizarre or Ridiculous Fatwas



    Wednesday, August 04, 2010

    I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes [into heaven], but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?

    The Telltale Head


    Tuesday, August 03, 2010

    You don't need to listen to what they tell you
    I can change all that, I can make it easy too
    Cause I don't need to stay
    Stay, I don't need to run away or
    Fake my way through
    Let me be the one you've been waiting on
    Let me be the one you've been waiting on

    Hotel Lights
    "Let Me Be the One"
    Hotel Lights


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    The Bert Convey
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    Location: United States

    I'm not telling you anything...