Monday, July 31, 2006


Damn, I Wish I Had That Kind of Talent


Hurray! I'm Not a Right-Wing Asshole!

I got a phone call from my High School debate partner on Friday. I had last talked to him in 1998, I'd last seen him in the fall of 1982. He was headed back to the RC for his wife's family reunion and was trying to look me up. He got ahold of my parents who were able to give him a phone number so he called me.

It's damn hard to catch up with someone who you haven't seen in 24 years, who you haven't even talked to in eight. Still we had a great conversation and I'm glad he called. I'd like to get up to see him sometime, but Great Falls is a really long ways away. It's even further than Livingston, and I wouldn't go that far to see Sue Foley. And let's get real here, John isn't nearly as good looking as Ms. Foley.

As a debate team, we were pretty successful. When I think about it now, we were an odd pairing. John went on to be a lawyer, debate being a good training ground for that way of thinking. I wasn't so much debating as performing. I was smart enough and took it just seriously enough, but given the choice of making a cogent point or making my opponent laugh, well, I think you can probably figure out what I did.

It was interesting to found out that he'd kept up with music. We exchanged a few emails, I sent him an mp3 of Plastic Jesus, he sent me one of his trumpet solo with Musikanten Montana, I'm not sure what Musikanten Montana is, but it sounded really good. Again, with music he tended to take it seriously, I tended to try to be silly.

So we exchanged emails and I let him know about the blog and the other one. The most interesting comment I got back from John was, "I'm so glad you didn't turn into a Right-Wing asshole!" Wow, I never thought I gave any indication of that in high school, but, well, I'm glad I didn't turn into a Right-Wing asshole too.



DHMO Update - Childhood Deaths and DHMO


There are regulations requiring children to be in car seats while in automobiles. Gun laws are self explanatory. Legislation exists so that children's sleepware is flame retardent. The government is looking out for its citizens, using their powers to protect children from three out of four of the leading external causes of death.

Three out of four. Where's the DHMO legislation?

A vast majority of American children live in homes where exposure to DHMO can't be avoided. The risk of accidental DHMO inhilation is a possibility in each of these homes.

This has to stop. With your help, we can wipe out DHMO in our lifetime.



Saturday, July 29, 2006


Perhaps More Old Band Promotion


Friday, July 28, 2006


Who Wants to be a Superhero

A reality show where people are
rewarded for doing the right
thing? Go figure....
When I got into work yesterday, my team leader mentioned a show on SciFi that he wanted to check out. I like science fiction, though I've kind of moved away from it over the years. My favorite author, Harry Turtledove, I suppose is best known as a science fiction author, but he does a lot of what is known at "alternative history fiction." The most recent series I'm reading follows a timeline in which the Confederacy won the Civil War. It's the start of World War II and rebel troops have pushed out of Kentucky all the way to Lake Eire, cutting the US in half, though Federal troops are organizing a counterattack into Virginia.

I've read some of Trutledove's SciFi work and it's good, but I just don't read or watch much science fiction any more. Also, I really don't much care for any genre that has a cutesy nickname. I have never been in such a hurry that I needed to refer to animation produced in Japan as Japanimation. I hate the term, but now I've gotten wildly off of the subject at hand.

The show that Harry wanted to watch was Stan Lee's Who Wants to be a Superhero. It's a reality show about a bunch of people living together in a superhero's lair, competing to be immortalized in comic book form.

I'll try to be polite here, BUT I FUCKING HATE REALITY TV!!!!!!!! That honestly is as polite as I can be. I don't hate documentaries, they are by definition, the documenting of actual events as they happen. Reality TV is anything but. People are thrown together, sometimes given a specific aim - sometimes not, have dozens of cameras pointed at them 24 hours a day and are expected to act real. I don't know about the reality in your daily life, but mine involves me being able to take a dump without a camera crew present.

And shows that do have some sort of aim, some sort of winner always end up being a win at all costs affair. Alliances are made and broken. Contestants stab each other in the back to obtain something as fleeting as some amount of money. All of the things I was taught growing up about how to treat other people, how to act in society are completely thrown out the window. Just win baby.

On top of that, people have found out that they can achieve fame, even a career by being on these stupid shows. I'm not talking about American Idol where the aim is to have some sort of talent, demonstrate said talent and perhaps be given a recording contract. That's fame for a reason. Fat naked Richard from Survivor parlayed his appearance into some radio gig. Some other Survivor bitch was in a movie with Rob Schneider (that's really not winning, darlin') for no other reason than that we recognized her from a reality show.

In 2001 while waiting for the verdict in a coworker's trial (don't EVEN get me started on that bullshit) I saw a call for contestants for a new gameshow in the LA Times. I went to Burbank for the try out, passed the test and was asked to stay to play the game for the producers. The show was an adaptation of the English gameshow The Weakest Link. None of us had ever seen it so we watched an episode. I was appalled! What a mean-spirited piece of crap!

When we played our mock game, we had to vote people off, the loser had to walk away and talk to the camera during their "walk of shame." The producers kept telling us not to be so nice, to be meaner. They were trying to create animosity between us. I guess it didn't work on me and I never got called back.

I was discussing the show with another potential contestant on the way to our cars. I mentioned that I thought the best players would get voted out as the game neared the end. He disagreed, figuring the other players would vote out the under-performing players so more money could be won. We disagreed. If you've ever seen the show, you know which of us was right.

The next year I tried out for Jeopardy! It was a completely different vibe, and those who were overly competitive somehow were weeded out. This was not a place for bullshit posturing, for a "win at all costs" attitude. It was a group of people who all wanted to be on their favorite TV show.

It was even friendlier in the green room before tapings. We'd all made it. We were actually going to be on Jeopardy! Nothing else really mattered. Yeah, we all wanted to win, but I always felt like that was secondary. The guy who beat the living daylights out of me, Chuck Champagne, was such a nice guy. We came from completely different worlds but we had a love for knowledge in common, I never thought about competing with him. I gave him a good run and was pleased to see him win another game after beating me. OK, this was the same season as Ken Jennings, so I'll admit it would have been cooler, if I was going to lose, to lose to Ken Jennings.

What was this all about again?

Oh yeah, Who Wants to be a Superhero.

So I'm watching the show last night, giggling about the superhero personae (that's the plural, look it up) the contestants had chosen (Cell Phone Girl?!? What a lame superhero power. Yeah, she can dial 911 when there's trouble....), saw them all party together. They talked freely. Too freely it turned out>

The first potential superhero kicked off the show (no voting here, no alliances , no back stabbing, Stan Lee decides) had remarked at the party that he could make a lot of money from being on this show. Stan got rid of him at the first opportunity. For me, this show immediately started looking up. No fortune, damn it, you're supposed to be a superhero.

You ran past a crying little girl in your
atempt to win. Some hero ....
The first test for the remaining folks was to change into their costumes quickly and discretely then run to a finish line. Here's the twist (there's always a twist). Along the potential heroes paths was a little girl crying for her mother. Three of the contestants did the humane thing and helped the little girl. The rest ran past her, some hamming it up on their run trying to look more like superheroes on their runs.

Stan Lee was not pleased, and he couldn't have been more right. These people are supposed to be trying to act like superheroes. Running past a child in need is definitely not all that super. My only regret is that Stan didn't kick off every superzero (cheesy - sorry...) who didn't help the girl.

I don't have any idea where this show is going, but it is absolutely unique in that it actually has, so far, rewarded people for moral activity, for doing the right thing and punished some of those who didn't.

I suppose that disqualifies it as a reality show.

'Nuff Said



Sue Foley Photo Friday

Lookin' Good as Always
Yeah, I can't believe I missed Sue Foley Photo Friday either. What the hell has gotten into me?

I don't know exactly when this photo was from. From the looks of things it was from the 1998 release Ten Days in November, which, like almost all of Sue's albums is excellent. During that phase of her career she seemed to try not to look so attractive. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose, but I find it hard not to find her one really good lookin' woman. If that was her aim it just didn't work on me.

I just ordered Sue's Sue Foley Live in Europe DVD. Not available until September, but I've pre-ordered. I should be getting it the end of September. I'll be taking the phone off the hook, so nobody try to call me on September 22nd....


Thursday, July 27, 2006


My Nose is Fine!

I was planning on taking a photo of my nose and attaching it to this post, but something's gone all goofy with my camera so I can't do that. My computer also acted goofy a little bit ago, so I really don't know what was up. I'll work on the camera and see if I can get anything posted later.

Last night while sitting out in front with the folks around the BBQ, I was playing some guitar. As the oddball material was going over so much better than the thoughtful and meaningful material that I hardly ever do, I launched into Vibrator Dependant, which, and I've learned this through lots and lots of experience, always seems to go over well with the ladies. This time, though, it went over well with a guy. A neighbor came by a few minutes later and said "I loved the Mojo Nixon!"

So, apparently, I have pretty cool neighbors who don't seem to care if I play objectionable material in front of my house. Who actually know who Mojo Nixon is!

It was, I guess, our own alternative to the Dierks Bentley & Billy Currington concert that was going on about eight blocks away for Frontier Days. Our concessions were a lot cheaper too.



Pointless Shit Thursday
Frontier Days Edition

Don't miss out on the fun!
Dear Lord, it's time for Frontier Days. Good for somebody, I suppose, but it means that I actually have to fight traffic to get back to my apartment after work since the concerts generally let out about the time I get off of work. I seem to recall moving away from Southern California.

Just a couple more days.....

Forgot your big hat? Buy one on the street!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006



Sorry, but this will be brief. I've been out grilling with neighbor Tim, new neighbor Amy came up and we enjoyed kabobs, a little music and a mini-keg of the brew formerly known as Red Ass Ale (there's a story there that I'll get to some other time).

A pretty good day as days go, but this is Mega Bitch Wednesday so I gotta come up with something to bitch about. Here goes. Mini-kegs. When is 5 litres of beer enough? Good God, that's just the star to an evening. Then I look around my apartment for something more to drink, finally finding a flask of bourbon in a suit coat. That's like two shots. Now I'm really craving. Why do I crave booze like this when I'm in no condition to drive? It ain't fair, I tells ya.

Gotta go, Futurama is on......


Tuesday, July 25, 2006


A Pie Chart and a Song.....
The Pie Chart is a Song!

The world premiere of In My Hand. A guy from work shot video, but it's way too big of a file for me to post here, so it's just audio plus the original graph that the song was based on. Since it's hard to read the graph on the video, I've also reposted the original. Since I'm sometimes hard to understand, I've posted the lyrics as well.

Have fun!


In My Hand

You ask how much I love you
I don't know how to say
That in truth I love you more and more
With every passing day
You ask what kind of girl I like
I think the answer's plain to see
My favorite kind
Is lyin' right here next to me


ask me my opinion
Of the color of your hair
It just don't mean that much to me
To tell the truth I just don't care
When it comes to the color of your hair
I'll admit it don't mean a lot
My favortie color's
Whatever color that you got

Straight or curly, long or short
Flowin' free or underneath a hat
It just don't mean that much to me
My love just don't depend on that
It's the high that I feel when I'm with you
And the low when we're apart
It's not the way you look
It's what you've got inside your heart

crappy harmonica solo

You say you've got just one more question
And then you'll let me on my way
You ask what kind of boobs I like
You wonder 'bout it every day
Well the small ones are nice
And the big ones I know
Are always in demand
But my favorite ones
Are the one's that're in my hand

But I like your sister's too....



Even More Old Band Promotion


We're halfway done with these.....



Positive about Clotheslines

I'm a big fan of clotheslines. Not the tackle made famous by Fred "The Hammer" Williamson for the old Kansas City Chiefs in the AFL days, but those actual lines like the one in my backyard. For clarification's sake, I like them for their intended uses, not the fact that I ocasionally run into clotheslines late at night leaving me flat on my back like a clothesline from "The Hammer".

Admittedly it's more work to hang your clothes on a clothesline. And I'm not affraid of more work unless, perversly, I'm getting paid for it. And sheets? Forget about it! They feel great and smell even better providing the wind is blowing away from the refinery.

Since I live on the top floor of my building, the laundry is in the basement and the clothesline is in the backyard, it can be a lot of steps, but I'm relatively young and I can take it. I'll let you all know if I break my crazy neck on one of the trips. Provided my fingers still work if I'm an invalid.

The laundry in #25 was a dollar for a load and 50 cents for a dry. It was right outside my door and both machines seemed to work really well. Here in #27 it's $1.25 for a wash and a buck for a dry. One dry usually won't do it. I find if I do three dryer cycles for for two loads of clothes that everything comes out relatively dry. So that's 3 bucks a week. It doesn't break my budget, but that's a beer, damn it. One less beer a week! I'll take the clothes outside for one extra beer this week.

And since the wind ALWAYS blows in Cheyenne (somebody who lived in both Cheyenne and the RC once told me Cheyenne was like the RC except windier, I called her a liar at the time, but she was right) it actually takes less time to dry two loads of laundry on the clothesline than it would using the dryer. Less money, less time. I think it's a no brainer.

I'll try to come up with something better next week.


Monday, July 24, 2006


Yet More Old Band Promotion


Sorry about the past week. I've been having a little trouble typing, so the whole being long winded about DHMO or other random bitches has been a little tough to do.

These are cool though. I actually hadn't looked at them in quite a long time. I always said that I liked promoting a band even more than being in a band....


Monday, July 17, 2006


More Old Band Promotion


I've got 12 more of 'em, and it's about time I got some use out of them.....


The above satellite photo shows large scale DHMO contamination within the city limits of Casper, Wyoming. This is not a short term problem, the contamination has existed for the last several years.

It's in our backyards. We have to do something to wipe out DHMO contamination. The aim of The Globex Corporation Newsletter is to raise public awareness so that we can wipe out DHMO in our lifetimes.



Saturday, July 15, 2006


Old Band Promotion


I found some old P957 promotional material when unpacking some stuff in my car. They were table tents based on the "secret page" from the old 957 website. I thought these were pretty cool and had a lot of fun making them. If only I had some sort of website where I could display them again.....


Friday, July 14, 2006


Sue Foley Photo Friday



Thursday, July 13, 2006


AOL the King of Pointless Shit

Just listen to THIS POINTLESS SHIT about AOL.

Thanks to eBaum's World, another cool site to check out.


Wednesday, July 12, 2006



This is a great show unless
Kornheiser is on vacation.....
Everybody deserves a vacation. Hell, I just sit around watching TV all day and I deserve a vacation. I'm not so self-centered that I don't think that Pardon the Interruption co-host Tony Kornheiser should be allowed to take a vacation on a day when I get to watch the show.

Kornheiser is great, though. Michael Wilbon is good too, but Kornheiser is the man. Now I know that PTI doesn't work with just one host, it's all about two guys yelling at each other (now THAT'S entertainment!), so they always have a guest host when Mike or Tony take a day off.

Some of the guest hosts are good. I remember when Max Kellerman used to fill in. They've also had David Aldridge, Stephen A. Smith, Ralph Wiley and a host of others that I actually liked. Some I didn't like as much, but I didn't hate any of them.


The dorkiest photo
of Dan LeBatard
I could find...
Except for Dan LeBatard.

LeBatard is a sports columnist for the Miami Herald. I don't want to hate him when he fills in on PTI, I just do. He just always comes off as a complete asshole. Being a reporter from Miami, he was the "go to guy" for every episode of Sportscenter when Pat Riley deposed (and yes, that is the proper term in this case) Stan van Gundy as coach of the Miami Heat. He's been the guy ESPN went to when Shaq ended up with the heat, when Shaq wanted to talk abot Kobe. All that crap.

And I hate him.

He's a pompus ass and I just hate watching PTI when he's guest hosting. Apparently I'm not the only one. When LeBatard guest hosts, ESPN gets lots of hate mail about him. In LeBatard's defense, he takes it all with extremely good humor on the show. I can tolerate a guy who doesn't take sports journalism too seriously. Or himself for that matter.

But here's the twist. Kornheiser is the new host of Monday Night Football which movest to ESPN this fall. While I haven't heard anything about what will happen with PTI, my guess is that TK will not be able to do the show any more. And it seems that every time TK or Wilbon take a day off, LeBatard is the guy they fill in with.

So will LeBatard be the new co-host of PTI? I don't know, but I watched a LeBatard PTI today, and I won't be able to take him as the permanent host of one of my favorite shows.

Get Alton Brown instead. They could do a tail gate grill segment. It'd be cool.




Tuesday, July 11, 2006


I Freakin' Love TV Gameshows!!!!!

Jeopardy! Best TV Show Ever!

"Dumb Dora was so dumb, when asked
a question she usually drew a blank"

Hey what happened to Ray Combs and
Louis Anderson..... Oh, right.....

I'll take Timothy Leary to block

"The Password is Inane"
Damn it, I love TV gameshows. And I don't just mean the good ones like Jeopardy! (perhaps the greatest TV show of all time, forget about genre). I'll watch any gameshow at least once. Yeah, some of them suck. Remember The Joker's Wild? I used to watch it with my college roommate every night before supper. We went through a span of like two months without getting a question wrong. The questions were so easy that the game relied soley on luck. Why even bother to ask questions?

I've seen some of TV's most surreal moments on gameshows. I remember the week (and no, I'm not making this up) that G. Gordon Liddy was on Password. I met Liddy about a year later (scary, scary guy) and all I wanted to ask him about was his week on Password. Or was it Super Password? I don't remember now, though it was hosted by Bert Convy.

Bert Convy. As near as I can tell, Bert Convy was famous for being on television. It's a circular argument. "How do you get on television?" - "By being famous." - "How do you get famous?" - "By being on television." Somehow Bert Convy, Alex Trebek, Peter Marshall, Bob Ewebanks, Wink Martindale, Pat Sajak, Richard Dawson, Gene Rayburn, Tom Bergeron, That Bitch from The Weakest Link, Peter Tamarkin, Chuck Woolery and many others have all managed to get famous by simply hosting a gameshow.

And Chuck Barris. He got rich by coming up with ideas for gameshows. OK, he also wrote Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon's 1960's top 40 hit Palisades Park and apparently also assassinated folks for the CIA, but he made most of his fortune in gameshows.

Ken Jennings got rich and famous by being on a gameshow. The guy is writing books now. The fact that any of us know his name right now is amazing to me. And it's all because of a gameshow.

Now I'm talking gameshows, not reality crap. Reality shows often try to pass themselves off as gameshows. There is a game and it's played on a TV show, but that's not what people are tuning in for. They're tuning in to see people act like morons to win a damn prize. Ken Jennings was a geek, but at least he had some dignity. Survivor rewarded a tax evader for being naked for a couple of weeks. Inane.

Nope, give me a real gameshow any day.


Monday, July 10, 2006


Broken Machines

I've implored you to check out Ewink's Blog (which I've now listed under it's actual name Otakuphotog, whatever that means), and you should check out Broken Machines as well. Writen by a guy from my shift, Vern (I won't give you his last name, but a little detective work should allow you to figure it out), Broken Machines is the same kind of pointless crap you've come to expect from this blog, but done in a more aesthetically pleasing way. Probably with better spelling, too, but I'm not positive about that.



DHMO Update - Rate of Use

You name it, we as a society abuse it. Europe usually comes in second. The rest of the world is usually slower to catch on to the things we abuse in North America. DHMO is no different.


I don't want to take any guff about citing a Russian study here. The research methodology was quite thorough. It's a good study. Pavlov was a Russian and he taught us all how to make dogs salivate by ringing a bell. I seem to remember hearing that in a song somewhere.

In any case, here's proof that the DHMO usage problem begings here. If we're ever going to wipe out this horrible problem worldwide, it has to start here. Our government needs to take action. Even if the rest of the world doesn't follow suit, the DHMO monkey will be off the back of millions of people.



Sunday, July 09, 2006


Because TSA Asked For It...

In lieu of strongly worded emails, please register your disgust in the comments section.


Saturday, July 08, 2006


Jewish Major Leaguers

Ficticious sports teams are cool. Let me explain, I mean all-star types of teams that nobody would ever think to put together. I heard of people playing a statistical replay baseball board game that pitted the best Bobs against the best Daves. OK, so somebody obviously though of that, but you get what I mean. I actually tried to do Bobs vs. Daves with a friend, but then we got into an arguement over whether Roberto Alomar should be considered a Bob. I had the Bobs, so, obviously I thought Roberto was close enough to Bob to allow him to be added to my team.

In college, while taking a Greek Mythology course, I made up my All-Greek Mythology Football team. You'd think Zeus would be a shoe-in to be quarterback, but I alwas thought Zeus had a bit of a mean streak and decided he should be my middle linebacker, flanked by his brothers Hades and Poseidon. My QB was Odysseyus, who, though a mortal, showed good leadership skills in the Trojan War and was good with a bow and arrow, I figured that skill would translate well to passing.

A friend at USSB, Bob McSherry, came up with his All-Cancer Baseball Team. Not people who were born between June 22nd and July 22nd, he meant major leaguers who had been diagnosed with some form of cancer. We had a bit of a controversy when Jon Kruk - 1B - SD-Phi-CHW - Testicular Cancer was put into the starting slot for 3rd base. I guess there wasn't a good candidate at third with cancer so Kruk was pressed into duty.

I thought this shit was really funny, but I felt bad for laughing about it. Kruk always had a great attitude about his condition ("I'm taking my ball and going home....") so I didn't too terribly remorseful about it. Still, it's just somehow wrong to laugh at a condition about that.

I thought about playing blacks vs. whites vs. hispanics in Status Pro Baseball, but I just felt dirty when I even considered the idea. A great baseball player is a great baseball player. I shouldn't give a damn about his race or even where he came from. There are lots of great athletes from every walk of life, from every country and every ethnicity. As the major american sports become more popular around the world I think it's great that a freakishly tall guy like Yao Ming can excell in the NBA, that Ichiro is arguably the best player in baseball.

Then I found this:

It was at a Web Site called Jewish Major Leaguers. It's an intersting site. I never knew Brad Ausmus of the Houston Astros was Jewish. I never really cared either, he's a pretty good catcher and by all accounts, a great teammate. You can order a baseball card set of great Jewish major leaguers through the history of baseball, each card featuring a Star of David. I'm not sure if the back of the cards indicate whether each player observes Shabbos or not.

I'm assuming that the card set is celebrating ethnically Jewish baseball players as opposed to those who are/were religiously Jewish. I didn't see Rod Carew, who converted after marrying a Jewish woman in the card set.

I have never seen another card set of this type. I don't really care one way or the other, it just seems really odd to me. You couldn't get away with making a Negro Major Leaguers baseball card set, or a Voodoo Practicioners Major Leaguers set. And you probably shouldn't.

Oh, I don't know what I'm trying to say here.....



Some Images on The Globex Corporation Newsletter Created Using.....


Friday, July 07, 2006


It's An Old Time Tent Revival!




Sue Foley Photo Friday

I've been drinking too much to write anything clever. She's hot. That's as clever as it gets. Also, listen to her music sometime.......


Thursday, July 06, 2006


Pointless Shit

OK, this week I cheated. I just typed "Pointless Shit" into Google and came up with the following. I could say that I wanted to get a fresh perspective on just what pointless shit really is, but, all reality, I'm just being lazy.....


Wednesday, July 05, 2006


Where I Score Politically

I scored as Old School Democrat. Old school Democrats emphasize economic justice and opportunity. The Democratic ideal is best summarized by the Four Freedoms: freedom of speech, freedom of worship, freedom from want, and freedom from fear.

Pro Business Republican


Old School Democrat






New Democrat


Socially Conservative Republican


Foreign Policy Hawk


What's Your Political Philosophy?
created with

Seems to show I'm a left of center moderate, just like I always said.

As Mike R. pointed out when I did I Know All The Presidents in Order, FDR was elected to be preseident 4 times, but died very early in his fourth term. Pointless to be sure, but I get the whole FDR thing. We could do a lot worse than a man like that in our country right now. In my opinion we are.....



I Hate Gravity

Gravity, how I despise you!
That I didn't post a positive Tuesday post yesterday should not be taken as I had nothing to be positive about. Yesterday was a good day, I got out of having to help Tim move some heavy stuff, the Belgian Triple was debuted, I went to watch fireworks up in Lions Park, all in all a good day.

It was in the last activity that my old nemesis, gravity, reared its ugly head. What has gravity ever done for me? It's been nothing but a hinderance in my life. If it weren't for gravity, I could play in the NBA, dunking would be no problem. Walking to a park to watch fireworks would be an effortless activity.

Now Fundamentalist Christians will argue that gravity is only a theory, that it can't be proven. Some offer their own "science," what they call Intelligent Falling. Gravity, of course can't account for the fact that angels fly or that Jesus ascended to heaven, so there must be something fundamentally wrong with the theory. Schools, of course, are reluctant to teach an alternative to gravity when gravity is generally accepted by most scientists. The battle will rage on through the next election cycle. It's something to watch out for.

Back to my hatred of gravity. So I was walking up to Lions Park last night, the sun was just going down and I was in site of the park. I stepped on some edging stones just wrong, twisting my ankle (my second most hated joint after the knee which is really a poor design) and I began to fall. Gravity! Curses! I didn't get my hands out in front of me and my nose took the full brunt of gravity attempting to suck me to the center of the earth. I was, of course, unable to travel to the center of the earth, the concrete sidewalk stopping me well short of that destination.

I heard a "crunch." There was blood everywhere. It was dark, so I couldn't really see what that bastard gravity did to me. I went and watched fireworks, wiping my nose with a flannel shirt I had been wearing but was now relegated to being a rag, which I think it will continue to be.

At first I was sure my nose was broken, but everything seemed to be straight, as near as anybody could tell in the darkness. It wouldn't stop bleeding though, not that I lost dangerous amounts of blood.

When I got home, the source of the blood became clear. One long cut extended from the center of my nose down to my left nostril. I poured peroxide onto everything, cleaning the wound as much as I could covered as much of it with a band-aid as was possible (ever try to put a band-aid on your nostril?) and enjoyed four Belgian Triples.

Band-aids and alcohol. If that won't fix it I don't know what will.

I completely expected to have two black eyes this morning. I didn't which suprises me. I'm a little swollen across my nose, but I think everything will be fine. Scar? I don't know. I had no idea that my nose had enough meat on it to have so deep a gash.

I suppose I could blame my big stupid feet for the accident. I could blame the physical force that bound the atoms and molecules in the concrete that didn't allow me to simply pass through the substance. The culprit is, of course, gravity. I've spent a lot of energy on this blog propsing a ban of DHMO. It's now clear that what we really need to wipe out is gravity. I can live with DHMO, there was even some in the Belgian Triple I was drinking last night. Gravity has no purpose in the brewing of beer and should therefore be banned.

When I figure out who my US Representative is, I'll write him a letter.


Monday, July 03, 2006


Gotta Go Buy Groceries, I Guess.....

Amish High Speed Chase
We are so freakin' doomed.....
It's hard for me to be down about anything today. What, you didn't hear? Earth narrowly avoided total destruction overnight as an asteroid called 2004-XP-14 came within 270,000 miles of earth. If it had come any closer we may have experienced a summer with more crappy movies like Armageddon or Deep Impact or even, heaven forbid, Metor.

We're safe for now, though a much larger asteroid named for the Egyptian god of darkness and confussion will come even closer than 2004-XP-14 did in 2029, undoubtedly killing us all. My suggestion: live normally until then, but in 2025 or so just cut loose and do all the crazy ass shit you've wanted to do in your life. That is unless NASA hires Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck to go and destroy the thing. See, that's why I say not to go crazy until 2025. Imagine your embarassment if you're assuming that the earth is going to be destroyed, have sex with your neighbor's grandma and then everything turns out to be fine. Hell, I didn't buy groceries this week because I figured the earth was going to be destroyed last night. Trying to save a little money. Man, do I feel like a moron!

Oh, it's Monday. DHMO Monday. Gotta write something about that. Oh, I know. I bet 2004-XP-14 was just loaded with solid DHMO. Just another way that stuff can kill you!



Sunday, July 02, 2006


Legendary Video

You've heard about it, I've mentioned it from time to time but the recording has been held in the vaults at the offices of The Globex Corporation for nearly a year. Now seemed to be the time to unleash it on the world.

Order today and you'll get a candid conversation between SMB and Mike Reardon. So candid that they didn't even realize exactly what they were saying! Now the truth can be told!

I apologize. I hope you managed to have a good time anyway.....


Saturday, July 01, 2006



Amish High Speed Chase
This didn't really happen, but wouldn't an
Amish high speed chase have been really cool?
The Ohio Department of Agriculture in Mount Hope, OH set up a sting operation to nab Arlie Stutzman, putting an end to his dangerous illegal activities once and for all.

From the June 26th Akron Beacon Journal:

Last September, a man came to Stutzman's weathered, two-story farmhouse, located in a pastoral region in northeast Ohio that has the world's largest Amish settlement. The man asked for milk.

Stutzman was leery, but agreed to fill up the man's plastic container from a 250-gallon stainless steel tank in the milkhouse.

After the cool, creamy white, unpasteurized milk flowed into the container, the man, an undercover agent from the Ohio Department of Agriculture, gave Stutzman two dollars and left.

Alrie Stutzman is Amish, his henious crime was the selling of a jug of unlabelled unpasteurized raw whole milk (I may have made a complete hash of the proper/accepted adjective order here). The purchaser of the ilicit substance was an undercover Department of Agriculture officer.

A Sting operation? Just how hard is it to entrap an Amish farmer? I guess there aren't any crack houses in the area that the local authorities need to keep their eye on. And Two Dollars? That wil certainly put a dent into the worldwide illegal Amish raw milk distribution network. It will break them. The streets of Ohio will finally be completely cleaned up, no more "wild moo," as it's known on the street, will be destroying America's youth. And just how far did your crime fighting career fall when you're relegated to doing undercover work for the Ohio Department of Agriculture?

I understand the dangers of consuming raw unpasteruized whole milk. Lots of nasty stuff can occur in raw milk, in fact I wouldn't be suprised if the whole jug sold in the sting operation was just loaded with deadly DHMO. The again, raw milk has been enjoyed for thousand of years. Somehow, civiliztion survived.

And, really, how big of a problem was this? Were truckloads of the stuff leaving the farm? I sincerely doubt that Stutzman was advertising on television or the internet. A police officer had to come to his house and ask for it. The officer even had to bring his own container.

Crazy, crazy stuff. Stutzman broke the law, that's clear, but come on! The local authorities spent tax dollars coming up with their elaborate scheme to entrap this dangerous criminal. That was certainly money well spent - JUST LOOK AT THAT SARCASM DETECTOR - IT'S OFF THE SCALE - LOOK OUT, IT'S GONNA BLOW!!!!!!

Yeah, a sarcasm detector, that's a great idea.....


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The Bert Convey
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