Wednesday, July 05, 2006


I Hate Gravity

Gravity, how I despise you!
That I didn't post a positive Tuesday post yesterday should not be taken as I had nothing to be positive about. Yesterday was a good day, I got out of having to help Tim move some heavy stuff, the Belgian Triple was debuted, I went to watch fireworks up in Lions Park, all in all a good day.

It was in the last activity that my old nemesis, gravity, reared its ugly head. What has gravity ever done for me? It's been nothing but a hinderance in my life. If it weren't for gravity, I could play in the NBA, dunking would be no problem. Walking to a park to watch fireworks would be an effortless activity.

Now Fundamentalist Christians will argue that gravity is only a theory, that it can't be proven. Some offer their own "science," what they call Intelligent Falling. Gravity, of course can't account for the fact that angels fly or that Jesus ascended to heaven, so there must be something fundamentally wrong with the theory. Schools, of course, are reluctant to teach an alternative to gravity when gravity is generally accepted by most scientists. The battle will rage on through the next election cycle. It's something to watch out for.

Back to my hatred of gravity. So I was walking up to Lions Park last night, the sun was just going down and I was in site of the park. I stepped on some edging stones just wrong, twisting my ankle (my second most hated joint after the knee which is really a poor design) and I began to fall. Gravity! Curses! I didn't get my hands out in front of me and my nose took the full brunt of gravity attempting to suck me to the center of the earth. I was, of course, unable to travel to the center of the earth, the concrete sidewalk stopping me well short of that destination.

I heard a "crunch." There was blood everywhere. It was dark, so I couldn't really see what that bastard gravity did to me. I went and watched fireworks, wiping my nose with a flannel shirt I had been wearing but was now relegated to being a rag, which I think it will continue to be.

At first I was sure my nose was broken, but everything seemed to be straight, as near as anybody could tell in the darkness. It wouldn't stop bleeding though, not that I lost dangerous amounts of blood.

When I got home, the source of the blood became clear. One long cut extended from the center of my nose down to my left nostril. I poured peroxide onto everything, cleaning the wound as much as I could covered as much of it with a band-aid as was possible (ever try to put a band-aid on your nostril?) and enjoyed four Belgian Triples.

Band-aids and alcohol. If that won't fix it I don't know what will.

I completely expected to have two black eyes this morning. I didn't which suprises me. I'm a little swollen across my nose, but I think everything will be fine. Scar? I don't know. I had no idea that my nose had enough meat on it to have so deep a gash.

I suppose I could blame my big stupid feet for the accident. I could blame the physical force that bound the atoms and molecules in the concrete that didn't allow me to simply pass through the substance. The culprit is, of course, gravity. I've spent a lot of energy on this blog propsing a ban of DHMO. It's now clear that what we really need to wipe out is gravity. I can live with DHMO, there was even some in the Belgian Triple I was drinking last night. Gravity has no purpose in the brewing of beer and should therefore be banned.

When I figure out who my US Representative is, I'll write him a letter.


Wow! That is really impressive. I will add gravity to my list of enemies just because of what it did to you. Are you quite sure that gravity is not required somewhere in the process of brewing?
Well without gravity, how would you monitor the alcohal content during the brewing process, hmmm? Those SG readings would be sorely missed I'm sure.
I also hate gravity, I have just been looking for something on a packed high shelf, ahh gravity has the oppurtunity to play its darned tricks, pull evertything to the floor with the slightest nudge, I step back only to nudge a table which has a half full bottle of wine on it, the bottle moves, ahh gravity says, yet another chance to cause mayhem...beware of the silent killer...gravity, its a deadly phenomenon.
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The Bert Convey
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