Globex Corporation Newsletter

BOJ's List

10. Clear Green Visor - Whether you're an accountant or some sort of hi-stakes gambler, this headgear says "Successful."

9. Baseball Cap - I never would have made it to those 10am classes in college without a handy baseball cap by my bedside to throw on when showering was just not an option.

8. Stocking Cap - You know, for when you're trying to look like a Longshoreman. They also keep you head warm, but mess up your hair really bad. And I have GREAT hair.

7. Those Little Batting Helmet Sundae Cups - I have a NY Mets one that I got at the Dairy Queen in Vermillion, SD when I was in college. And it is a real hat, because it currently is on the head of my childhood stuffed dog, "Fritzie." I don't have to explain myself to you...

6. This Cool Leather Fedora Type Thing I Used To Have - Really, it was so cool! The girl I wrote Two Condoms about gave it to me as a Christmas present. I even had a jacket that matched. I looked so cool walking to work dressed like that. When we broke up I still really liked it but it brought back bad memories, so I decided not to wear it for one year. Sometime in that one year, I lost it. Bummer.

5. Bowler - Like John Steed wore on The Avengers.

4. Sombrero - The King of ethnic headgear. Look, anybody can wear a Sombrero, but if you're caught wearing one, you'd better be on siesta or have a really good story, mister.

TV's Gilligan in a Cool Hat

3. Cowboy Hat - "Hats. You know, big cowboy hats..."

2. Sailor Hat - Cool when worn in a regulation fashion, but the way Gilligan wore his with the flap thingies pulled down? Now that's what I'm talkin' about!

1. Indiana Jones Hat Not an ensemble I could get away with, but didn't "Indy" just kick ass in those movies? I think you need the whip to really pull the whole thing together, though.

Slick's List

A Pickelhaube

10. pickelhaube
9. pith helmet
8. papal miter
7. top hat
6. fedora
5. fez
4. viking helmet
3. aviator's cap
2. tri-corner
1. tin-foil hat

Honorable mention:
The beret (the beret is only cool if the person wearing the beret is already cool. Beret's magnify personality; they don't add to it.

Quinn's List

10 - The Civil War Kepi. The formal infantries of both the north and the south wore this style hat. Typically made of leather this hat sported a small brim, a flat top, and was taller in the back than the front. A crossed musket pin would signify infantry (cross sabers on a more cowboy style hat signified cavalry). It's actually quite comfortable to wear (yes, I own one - a Confederate grey one) but brings a lot of dirty looks when worn out in public.

9 - The Hardhat. Though I do not work in construction I do own a hard hat (has the show "Home Improvement" logo on it) and have been issued one at work. This hat is not overly comfortable (depending on how you adjust the size) but does allow room for air flow all around your head (great when out on a lift fixing antenna's in the hot California sun). The design is simple, durable, and does exactly what it's intended to do.. keep small objects that fall from high places from becoming imbedded in your skull - a MUST have!

8 - The Cowboy hat. Probably the most identifiable symbol of the American West and what probably is thought to be worn by all Americans in the eyes of some less industrialized nations. The Cowboy Hat keeps the skin on your neck, ears, and face from burning, keeps the sun out of your eyes, and is useful to swat the ass of the horse you're riding while you dig your spurs in it's ribs (giddy-up!). I have owned a few of these in my lifetime, from the embarassing pictures in my very young years in a white and red cowboy outfit through what will hopefully be my last one, a nice black felt "Austrailian" style.

7 - The Fisherman. Brim all around, usually made of a light canvas style material, and often provides places to put fishing hooks, this hat will keep the sun off your ears, forehead, and the back of your neck. Dunk it in the water to cool you down on a hot day or use it to swat flies (if you don't have hooks in it). Of course I own a few of these, but wear them out in the urban jungle of LA more often than anywhere else... of course when I go camping I always bring 2 (yes, I bring a SPARE!).

The "Cheesehead"

6 - The Cheese Head. As if wearing no shirt in -30 degree weather with nothing but green and gold body paint isn't enough, we have given onto the earth... The Cheese Head! This rubber wedge looking like a giant block of yellow swiss cheese will help you identify many a Packer fan, and according to a news report a few years ago can also save you from head injury in a plane crash. There's also been a variation on this... a baseball style cap made from the same rubber material, yellow, with dimples to make it look like swiss cheese. Alas, I'm probably the only Wisconsinite that doesn't own either of these. And I can't bring up the Cheese Head without this horrible little joke - "What's the difference between a Cheesehead and a Dickhead?" - The Illinois State Line.

5- The Pope Lombardi. Traditional garb worn at Packer home games. An homage to the patron saint of Green Bay and the NFL Vince Lombardi, this paper/cardboard or plastic creation shows the rest of the world just how crazy we who come from near "the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field" can be. I do not own one of these, but would proudly display it on my living room wall if I did.

4 -The Took, pronounced 'Tuke' you hosers! This is the stocking cap worn by the infamous Bob and Doug MacKenzie. So if you're planning to take off to the Great White North (or if you already live there) this hat will keep you warm and help you blend in with the locals, eh! Mine is safely tucked away back in a closet in WI for when I visit home (though with this Southern California weather this year, I almost wish it was here).

3 - The Blues Brothers hat. This hat has a few different names, some say it's a Pork Pie while others argue it's actually a Fedora. Many stores actually market it as "The Blues Hat" or "The Blues Brothers Hat". What can I say but I just love this hat, yes I do own one (I have the entire Elwood outfit, minus the softside leather briefcase).

2 - The Baseball Cap. Worn by nearly every American male during atleast one time in his life. Keeps that wild hair under control, the sun out of your eyes, and offers plenty of space to show support for your favorite sports team or to spout some whitty saying like "show me your tits" written to look like Japanese lettering (I do have that hat along with countless others).

1 - The Motorcycle Helmet. I know this is probably a bit of a stretch for a list about hats, but this is the most important piece of head wear in my collection. A full face helmet keeps those pesky pieces of road debris kicked up by 4 wheel vehicles as well as bugs out of my face. It keeps me warm on those chilly January in California rides, and gives me a way to wear my glasses without having them blown off in the wind. Of course safety is the idea behind this hat, I just hope I never have to find out just how much impact it'll take to save my head.

I don't know what's more sad... that I actually had to work to keep this list down to 10 hats (honorable mention to the Hunting Cap with fold down ear flaps, the Pin Striped Railroad Enginners cap, and that cool hat worn by Taxi drivers that snaps down in the front) or that I own at least one from every type I put down here - except the Cheesehead.

Victor Willis' List

Hats can tell people a lot about who we are, what we're all about, like if you identify strongly with Native American culture or if you're a motorcycle enthusiast who is a big fan of all things leather. Hats can identify us with masculine stereotypes. They're who we are. These are my six favorites.

6. Sailor's Cap
5. Hard Hat
4. Cowboy Hat
3. Indian Head Dress
2. Motorcycle Enthusiast's Leather Hat
1. Policeman's Cap

Tim's List

10 The Beefeater - Henry the 8th I am, I am
9 The Yarmulke - I don't roll on shabbas!!
8 The Panama Hat - Makes me want to cut my way through a jungle
7 The Pork Pie Hat - Great Jeff Beck song
6 The Sombrero - Once wore one while in Mexico drinking heavily

Monkey in a Fez

5 The kiss-me-quick hat - No Idea, just like the name
4 The Deerstalker - Elmer Fudd would not steer you wrong
3 The Tam O'shanter - Scottie dogs everywhere should wear one
2 The Fez - Cause it is the name of a Steely Dan song
1 The Tin Foil Hat - You can't be truly nuts without one

Sean's List

10. Turban- I doubt I will ever wear one and I am 100% certain that if I did, I would look like an idiot. I just think they look cool, especially with a big ruby in the middle. Go Hadji.

9. Propeller Hat- I don’t know what else to call it. Refer to #10 for my opinion of what I would like in one.

8. Football Helmet- So many ways to decorate them. I have worn one, but I doubt if I ever will again. That actually makes me a little sad and nostalgic.

A Top Hat

7. Baseball Cap- The good old stand by. Where would we be without you?

6. Top Hat- I might consider wearing one if I was dancing in a chorus line or some other absurd situation. I don’t dance so this will never happen. Actually, I did wear on in a play one time and I rather liked it. No, dancing was not involved.

5. Crown- Again, something will never, at least until I become the King of the World (pictures himself on the rail of a ships deck with arms outstretched, seconds before plummeting into the ocean.)

4. Hard Hat- Come on people, where would we be if it wasn’t for this genius hat. We wouldn’t even have hat stores to sell other hats in.

3. Cabbie Hat- Could also be called old person hat. I can’t remember the technical name but I think they are pretty cool. I am so looking forward to the day I can wear one and not be considered a geek for doing it.

2. Indiana Jones’ Hat- No, I didn’t forget the technical name. I really mean the actual hat that Harrison Ford wore as Indiana Jones. It sparked a haberdashery revolution. Everyone had a hat like it, but no one can pull off that look.

1. The furry hat with furry ear muffs you can tie on top of your head- I hope everyone knows what I am talking about. I will probably never have one because the cold doesn’t bother me that much. All in all though, my favorite hat.

Hi there, BOJ.

Here’s my hat list.

I love hats because being a red-head my skin seems to sizzle like bacon in a frying pan in the very slightest amount of time under that tiny star in our sky.

I wear lots of hats (ha! No pun intended). The following are my favs ways to keep the sun off me noggin.

1. baseball cap – any color


2. big brimmed sun hat – you know that lady you see on the beach covered in light, flowy white cotton from wrist to ankle, dark sunglasses and a BIG HUGE sun hat? Well, yeah, that’s me.


3. my fishing hat – like a French foreign legion hat (a flattop baseball cap with tails). Keeps the sun off my neck when I’m fly fishin. Also has breathe-holes so my head doesn’t get hot.

Why? Because we like you...


4. Mickey Mouse Ears hat – with my name on it. Doesn’t do shit for me in the sun, but I love ‘em all the same. I was 30 yrs old when I finally got mine.


5. 3-pointed hat – an American Revolution or pirate hat, if you will. Like the ones Slick, Sarcastra and I wore at my pirate party in 2005. Niiice.
   
6. School boy/Page boy hat – I have a dark chocolate brown one of these that I just adore. My grandpa used to wear one like this and it always reminds me of him when I wear mine. This doesn’t do much for me in the sun either.


7. Bowler – One year I was Alex DeLarge for Halloween. Bought a bowler. It’s one of the coolest hats I own. My nephew crushed it. Bastard!


8. Raspberry berets – just cuz.


9. my halo – counts as a hat, wouldn’t it? Heh.

This was a difficult assignment.

That One Gal's List

This list of hats came about in a very straightforward manner. I just wrote down the first ten hats I could think of. The first seven were easy. Eight and nine were a bit of a struggle. Ten is an homage to my Norwegian heritage.

1) Fedora -- Brings to mind mysterious movie stars. The look is completed with over-size sunglasses.

Mortarboard

2) Baseball -- Great for yard work and camping. The best answer for a bad hair day.

3) Mortarboard -- Who came up with this one?!?! It looks dorky on absolutely everyone and ironically is worn on a day when you're being honored for all of the brainy, academic things you've accomplished.

4) Fez -- Shriners! It has a tassel! How the heck does it stay on?

5) Stocking -- It's South Dakota. It's February. They're everywhere.

6) Pork Pie -- It's just fun to say, isn't it!

7) Top -- Brings to mind that little song and dance scene from Young Fankenstein. Undertakers in western movies. And the Mad Hatter from Through the Looking Glass. And pulling-rabbits-from. I'll stop now.

8) Beret -- Shall we thank the French?

9) Panama -- Makes me long for sunny weather and large, fruity drinks with one of those little paper umbrellas...

10) Viking -- Preferably with horns and without a fat lady singing.

Sarcastra's List

1. Top Hat: Causing a panic when it first appeared in the late 1700s, the topper has been an eye-catcher for a while. Abraham Lincoln was famous for a modified top hat, fairy tale legend Hans Christian Anderson was a fan and Fred Astaire was classic in it. Boy George, Duke Ellington, Alice Cooper and Stevie Nicks all hit the musical arena in top hats. A veritable metric assload (much larger than your standard assload) of film, television and literature works hold characters in top hats, most recently (okay, not most recently but the movie of 'Cat in the Hat' was an atrocity, so I'm sorry to mention it all, even to mention why I'm dismissing it) featured in The League of Gentlemen on the big screen. While most commonly shown on men, women wear top hats with equal, if sexier, effect. A top hat, opera hat, Gibbous, stovepipe, topper, high hat, a magician's tool, a New Year's Eve specialty, this hat is the silky goodness rising to the top of head wear. It cannot be rivaled in class and style by any other hat, unless you get into crowns and such, but I've got to stop somewhere.

2. Fedora: This is a close second. The fedora is probably the most commonly called to mind when any American hears the word "hat". For us, it's all about Bogart. Every seedy detective worth his smokes had a fedora and a trench coat when on the lookout for dame with great gams. Fedoras show up all over in our culture: dream job-holding Adam Savage, Sam Raimi, Johnny Depp, Kid Rock, Billy Zane and the bizarre Tom Waits are some famous wearers. In fiction, the Blues Brothers, Inspector Gadget, Freddy Kruger with the bladed gloves, the early James Bonds, Dick Tracy & Mike Hammer, the iconic Indiana Jones and even the comic book favorite Wolverine are often pictured/written in fedoras. The fedora (or trilby, the Brit's version) is a damned sexy hat. It has an appealing air about it without being snooty or unattainable; it is practical yet unnecessary at the same time. The fedora makes a statement plainly and it holds a bold invitation to the observer to find out the message. The fedora is worn by men and women with equal aplomb, and I love that kind of equality. Also, I'm completely biased because the Reverend Slick wearing a fedora is the sexiest thing on this planet.

3. Tricorn: While it has fallen rather out of date (and therefore style) since the late 1700s, the tricorn cannot be overlooked on style. Easily adorned, often jaunty, the tricorn or three-cornered hat is foremost about fusion. Feathers, cords, emblems and all variety of trims find a comfortable and respected home on a tricorn. The tricorn was inspiring as well, it evolved into the bicorn hat that Napoleon is usually depicted as wearing and from there, the cocked hat worn point to front and back by wacky French military and English. Most popular in England and therefore, in America on the Minutemen and the time of the American Revolution, the tricorn is usually seen on enactors, with costumes or with antiquated 'dress' uniforms. While this hat may seem like a small historical note, I urge you all to consider it's potential for modern wear.

4. Bolero hat: I have a fondness for variants of cowboy hats, but the one I would wear is the bolero. Porkie pie hats are fun to look at, but I've got a big head and can't pull them off. Plus I like the combination of the symmetrical brim with the sharp, formed circular top. This hat gives the best combination of the perkiness of a pill box top, the practicality of a wide brim, the hint of the American flavored cowboy hat along with the cuteness that comes with near-perfect circles, all into one.

5. Gainsborough hat: The extravagance and ridiculous amount of decoration that is the Gainsborough hat was made especially popular by Thomas Gainsborough, a portrait painter capturing the look in a pleasing light. Plumes, trims, velvet, silver and gold all turned up on these elaborate covers. They often had to be held on by a chinstrap. This 'creation' eventually gave birth to the Merry Widow hat popular in Edwardian times - a simply ludicrous creation to balance a silhouette, purely fashion with the most decorations of ANY female headwear including feathers, ribbons, trims and the regular expectations but also fruits, flowers, bird nests, lizards, insects, snakes, furs, skins, spiders and anything anyone could get away with on top, bottom and any exposed sides of the thing. While completely silly, I must include it on my favorites list due to the original hat (Gainsborough) dedicated to the amplification of fashion and the later (Merry Widow) labyrinthine confection.

6. Cavalier hat: The Musketeers, after a fashion. Worn mainly by men, the cavalier is a very wide-brimmed hat, almost always decorated with a large feather, often an ostrich plume. Cavalier hats, named after the cavaliers who supported King Charles in the English Civil War, are not only useful, but frivolous, elaborate decorative toppings on often overdone costumes -- they are still very popular in the Renaissance arenas. I seem to have a thing for 1700s hats.

7. Newsboy or Gatsby cap: As the name implies, these were commonly worn by newspaper boys in the late 19th century although the wacky, rich golfer may be found with a bobbed one and really bad pants. The newsboy cap is a casual style, toss it on and go hat. Again, I like this hat as it can be worn equally well by women and men. Plus, with some stiff interfacing, I can make one at home if I want.

8. Jimmy Hat (as in rubber, condom, love glove, rain coat, hazmat suit, prophylactic): While many teenaged boys find them scary, snappy things that must be decrypted, the latex, polyurethane or rubber 'hat' is a marvelous tool to have around. While not perfectly effective (and don't get it near oil-based anything), they do their part in the field by preventing STDs, pregnancy and the sticky mess

All day long, I wear two...

after sexual intercourse. They can be used alone or as a backup method, they keep for adequate lengths of time and are easily transportable. They come in nearly any imaginable color, texture, flavor, shape and size and can be purchased easily (at least in America) at drugstores, convenient and general stores, over the internet, sex shops and gotten freely from some health departments or hospitals. I highly recommend everyone (everyone, really) keep a few around because even if you don't use them for their intended purpose, they can also be used to transport drugs illegally or act as a liquid barrier for whatever. You just never know.

9. Triregnum, red hat, papal tiara: The most recognizable symbol of the pope. As an atheist, I find religion entertaining at best. When the head of the church holding the largest membership in the world wears, as a symbol, the grand erection of frippery that signifies his importance to GOD and minions, it is purely comic.

10. Tin Foil Hat: Few things will clarify delusional paranoia to an observer faster than the tin foil hat. If you're seeking a fast, cheap, formable, versatile way to shield your wrinkly gray matter from mental communications, whether originating from aliens, your government or your freaky neighbors, tin-foil is the way to go. For all that we mock the simple tin-foil hat; there is some basis in it. A thick tin-foil hat actually would block some radio waves, if grounded and complete. As in, wrap your head and neck in hefty tin foil for the best effect, but to actually make it help block waves, you'd need to wrap your whole body. So, try that out and get back to me, okay? My absolute favorite tin-foil hat scene is from the movie 'Signs' when Joaquín Phoenix's character is wearing one right along with the children when the skeptic father returns home.

Please folks, don’t go thinking I knew all this stuff about hats; I relied heavily on the internet (especially wikipedia), scanned pages from historical costuming books and museums displaying photos of portraits on the internet.

Ultimately without wax,
Sarcastra

Labels: Lists

# posted by Blind Orange Julius @ 11:59 PM