Globex Corporation Newsletter

The Onion has what is easily the most twisted sports coverage on the net today. I always like them for there weird news stories, but they've really seemed to raise the bar since adding sports. Their sports page is always filled with gems like the following:

"The X's and O's of it are pretty simple," Johnson said, drawing up the play on his dry-erase board. "Once Dwayne Wade passes the ball to Shaq down low, [point guard] Jason [Terry] will drop down to double-team him and chop the backs of Shaq's legs, especially the femoral artery and the Achilles tendon, with his lighter machete. Dirk [Nowitzki], while he's doing that, you will curl off your man and go for O'Neal's collarbones with an overhand chopping motion of your Latin machete. By the third quarter, Shaq will have lost a significant amount of blood, and that's when Keith [Van Horn] and [Josh] Howard will be stabbing at O'Neal's kidneys and the sensitive insides of his elbows with their respective weapons—Van Horn with his Bolo Machete and Josh with his Double-Edge Machete. Meanwhile, [center] DeSagana [Diop], who I understand brought his own Panga Machete from home, will be carving O'Neal's ribs."

The Heat plan to retaliate with a unspecified defensive strategy against Mavericks' star Dirk Nowitzki that they're refering to as "Berserk-a-Dirk."

BOJ

Labels: Stuff From The Onion