Globex Corporation Newsletter

From The Venture Brothers

Colonel Gentleman's Hollywood Actresses That Need a Smack in the Mouth

• Susan Sarandon


• Dinah Shore


• Meg Ryan


• Leslie Uggams


• Maude Adams


• Leslie Ann Warren


• Carol Channing


• Cher


• Denise Richards


• Sean Young (She's got a smart mouth!)


• Halle Berry


• Annette Bening


• Jane Fonda


• Michelle Pfeiffer


• Pam Dawber


• Did I say Cher?


• Jennifer "J.Lo" Lopez


• Courtney Cox


• Rosie O' Donnell (She's a monster!)


• Ursula Andress


• Oh, the lass from Who's the Boss? (That terrible frosted hair!)


• The entire cast of Charmed up to and including Alyssa Milano.


• The late Nell Carter

BOJ

Labels: Lists

The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty...that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!






Deep Space Homer
[1F13]

Labels: The Wisdom of Homer

From The Onion:

Costner Tests Water-Cleaning Device In Gulf

A new kind of centrifuge that may be able to remove oil from water at rates of up to 200 gallons per minute has been financed by actor Kevin Costner and will be tested in an effort to clean up the BP oil spill. What do you think?


Peter Gunn
Systems Analyst
"The centrifuge enters the water, charms the oil into falling in love with it, then takes it out of that small-town ocean."



Laura Sanford
Landscaper
"That really beats the pants off Randy Quaid and his 4-gallon-a-minute centrifuge."




Pete Sanford
Registered Nurse
"It’s the least he can do considering Swing Vote was a major reason my last shrimp farm went belly-up. Long story."




"Blind Orange" Julius,
Blog Idiot
"Blah - blah - blah - blah Waterworld! Ha, ha, ha, ha..."

BOJ

Labels: Stuff From The Onion

The bitch went nuts
I'll never be a partner at this rate
Not with Jane Fucking Fonda Junior as my date

Ben Folds
"Bitch Went Nutz"
Way to Normal

Labels: lyrics

1. iStalk
   Keep tabs on the rich and famous


2. iVoid!
   App that tracks Social Workers from Iowa and gives directions to avoid them


3. Pong
   ...with a three minute "backstory" video


4. Where's the Wind Blowing?
   For kite flyers - Listing for Wyoming simply states "Everywhere - Always"


5. Kenyan Birth Certificate in the Corner of the Oval Office
   Give it to your birther friends and watch them go crazy


6. iRate
   Supid fucking app that never fucking works


7. iAnnoy
   You think it's cool, but your friends all hate it


8. Massive Time Waster
   Really, isn't that just every app?


9. Alph-i-Bet
   Handy Alphabet reference


10. iChart
    Check your vision, it's fun at parties!

BOJ

Labels: Lists

Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?






Homer the Great
[2F09]

Labels: The Wisdom of Homer

Never been too cunning, I'm no linguist
But I can tell you this
Ever since I left you I've been lost
I'm walking in a fog
We can lick this problem
We can work it out
Don't be impatient, and don't you run
'Cause I want you on the tip of my...

The Tubes
"Tip of My Tongue"
Outside Inside

Labels: lyrics

1. Facebook Mobile App
   Because I'm addicted


2. ESPN ScoreCenter
   It needs push notifications for sports news


3. Sportsbook 20K
   We're not in "Fake Gambling" season, but I'm staying in wagering shape


4. Wells Fargo Mobile App
   Keeping up with all my financial wheelings & dealings


5. The Onion Mobile App
   I downloaded it the second it was available


6. Kindle for iPhone
   Reading a book about WWII- don't tell me who wins


7. WeatherBug Mobile App
   I never have to go outside again!


8. Blackjack
   See #3


9. AP Mobile
   Recovering news junkie


10. Zap 2 It What's On
    Sure, I could use the guide to see what's on, but this is cooler because it's on my iPod

...I hear it plays music, too...

BOJ

Labels: Lists

Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the police academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie, "Spaceballs". But instead it's been painful and disturbing like that movie "Police Academy".






The Springfield Connection
[2F21]

Labels: The Wisdom of Homer

He took in the four a.m. show at the Clark
Excitable boy, they all said
And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark
Excitable boy, they all said
Well, he's just an excitable boy

Warren Zevon
"Excitable Boy"
Excitable Boy

Labels: lyrics

Episode [9F18] from season four of The Simpsons introduced us to Whacking Day, a holiday in Springfield in which the residents drive all the snakes to the center of town and beat them to death. The celebration was declared "disgusting and puerile" by a group of hillbillies and was actually created as an excuse to beat up the Irish, but
"'twas all in good fun..."

In The Simpsons universe, Whacking Day occurs on May 10th, so "Gentlemen, start your whacking!"

WHACKING DAY HYMN
To the tune of O, Tannenbaum

O whacking day, o whacking day,
Our hallowed snake-skull cracking day.
We'll break their backs,
Gouge out their eyes,
Their evil hearts,
We'll pulverise.
O whacking day, o whacking day,
May God bestow His grace on thee

BOJ

1. Saskatchewan Roughriders via Toronto: Williams, Shomari - LB - Queen's


2. Toronto Argonauts via SSK via WPG: Eppele, Joe - OT - Washington St.


3. Toronto Argonauts via BC: Greenwood, Cory - LB - Concordia


4. BC Lions via TOR via SSK via EDM: Watkins, Danny - OT - Baylor


5. Calgary Stampeders: Maver, Rob - K/P - Guelph


6. Edmonton Eskimos via WPG via SSK: Bulcke, Brian - DL - Stanford


7. Montreal Alouettes: Matte, Kristian - OL - Concordia

I used to have a blog feature called "Pointless Shit." This would probably fit there too...

BOJ

Labels: Lists

From 2007:

Celebrating the Day Tequila Was Invented or Something...

Since I missed my annual St. Patrick's Day rant this year, I'll do something similar for Cinco de Mayo (and big thanks to Slick for teaching me to pronounce this solomn day correctly.... mmmm... mayo....).

OK, here's the basic rant, I don't need an excuse to get drunk. I don't drink just because the liquor industry tells me to. If I were Mexican, I'd be pretty pissed at what American marketing has turned Cinco de Mayo into; a drunken tequila party instead of a celebration of the Mexican Army defeating French invaders in 1862, thus solidifying their independence.

But I'm not Mexican. If I were, maybe I'd enjoy a Tecate or one of the many varieties of Tequila that are marketed so heavily this time of year. Maybe the day would be a celebration, not just an excuse to drink and speak in poor, broken Spanish (it's the only Spanish I got...).

If I drink a tequila today (I won't, but if by some chance I do), it won't be because the liquor industry told me to. It won't even be because of a military victory in 1862 - which, as a resident of a New World country who threw off the shackles of our European opressors, I can appreciate - it will be because I want to drink a tequila.

BOJ

...in honor of Cinco de Mayo...

Flaming Moe

(previously known as the Flaming Homer; created by Homer, stolen by Moe)

ingredients:

1 shot Tequila
1 shot Schnapps
1 shot Creme De Menthe,
1 tbl. Krusty brand non-narcotic Cough Syrup

instructions:

mix tequila, schnapps, and creme de menthe, then add cough syrup
set on fire, pause briefly, then extinguish the flame

makes 1 serving






Flaming Moe's
[8F08]

Labels: The Wisdom of Homer

From The Onion:

Taliban Claim Dud Bomb

The Pakistani Taliban claimed responsibility on an Islamist website for a car bomb that failed to detonate in Times Square this weekend. What do you think?


Tim Bowman
Pigment Mixer
"In the spirit of candor, I should say that I too wrestled with failure while launching my own small bomb-making business."




Traci Poole
Drum Platerr
"Christianity also teaches acceptance of our failures and the use of websites. Maybe we are not so different after all."




Al Floyd
Rock Drill Operator
"The firecrackers and barbecue-grill propane tanks are a dead giveaway. Wait, you said South Carolina Taliban, right?"




"Blind Orange" Julius,
Blog Idiot
"You think that's failure? I was once involved with a social worker from Iowa after previously being involved with a social worker from Iowa."

BOJ

Labels: Stuff From The Onion

Hey, everybody, let's have some fun
You only live but once
And when you're dead you're done
So let the good times roll, let the good times roll
I don't care if you're young or old
Get together, let the good times roll

B.B. King
"Let the Good Times Roll"
Let the Good Times Roll: The Music of Louis Jordan

Labels: lyrics