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From The Onion:

CHICAGO—According to a groundbreaking new study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Statistical Association, somewhere on the planet someone is totally doing it at this very moment.

Scientists told reporters someone could be doing it right next door.

"Of the 6.7 billion inhabitants of Earth, approximately 3.5 billion have reached sexual maturity," said Dr. Jerome Carver, a mathematics professor at the University of Chicago and lead author of the study. "From a statistical perspective, it simply stands to reason that at least two of these inhabitants are totally going at it right now. Like, as we speak."

In addition, the findings suggest that there is a "good, to very good" chance that someone is doing it close by.

"The nearer you get to major metropolitan areas, the more likely you are to be in proximity to those making it," said California Institute of Technology probability theorist Howard Bergsson, who contributed to the report. "For example, we're in Chicago, a city of three million people. Someone is probably doing it right down the street, or maybe even somewhere in this building."

"And even if they're not, you have to keep in mind that it's nighttime in England right now," Bergsson added. "So someone is, in all likelihood, doing it over there."

Though the evidence presented by the study appears to be irrefutable, it has already found its share of detractors within the scientific community.

"No way," said Dr. Lane Keilor, a professor of theoretical mathematics at the University of Rochester in New York. "Gross."

These are just highlights. Read the whole article.

BOJ

Labels: Stuff From The Onion