Globex Corporation Newsletter

I should really be in bed, but it's 88 degrees in my apartment and, well, this was just to good to pass up. Lord, I wish I could take credit for this story I saw in The Paper tonight. First of all, I have to say that Ann Coulter scares the hell out of me, not because of her political views, but just by the way she looks. Different storkes, for different folks, I guess, but I've always felt that she tries to play up her "sexy" side as laughable. But I wouldn't not try to get into a hot Republican babe's pants, so the tips in this article could, in fact prove helpful to me. The ten lines:

You know, in this light you look like you could be Laura Bush's younger, more desirable sister.

Sorry if I seem aggravated -- I'm still upset about that world-class jerk, Michael Moore.

Allow me to buy you a drink. After all, thanks to our beloved President, the economy has never been better!

I'd love to hang out with you, but I can't make it a late night -- I'm shipping out to Falluja in the morning.

The tattoo on my manhood spells "RAN." But when I get excited, it spells "REPUBLICAN."

To see you naked, I would turn in my own mother to the Department of Homeland Security.

If I had to choose between having a Republican President in the White House for the rest of this century, or never being able to see your cleavage again, I'd be stumped.

I'm all for No Child Left Behind. I'm even more for your child-like behind.

Just as the Republican Party boldly confronts big challenges, nothing would please me more than you confronting the big challenge rapidly growing right now in my pants.

Because of President Bush's leadership, we are strong; because of his vision, we will be even stronger; and because I can't stop thinking about your ass, I haven't been able to stand up for the last half hour.

I don't know if any of these lines will work for me, but I have been trying to bag me one of them Republican chicks for quite a while now. I'll try 'em out, it can't hurt, right?

As I read the entire edition, I'm starting to feel that the good folks at The Weekly World News have developed a bit of an anti-Republican stand. I was particularly shocked by the story about President Bush appointing Yoda as Homeland Security Chief. I guess I'll have to find a more unbiased place to find my fake news before their credibility drops to the level of BOJ News Service.

...and remember, if you hear I Will Survive on the radio, quickly turn to a station playing Ted Nugent or Frank Sinatra or, if it's too late, head to the nearest hospital emergency room.....

BOJ

Author's Additional Note - I should also add some of my favorite lines that actually worked. I don't think either of these is really that good, but they worked.....

If you spend the night tonight I'll take you to Pamida tomorrow.

You wanna?