Saturday, August 02, 2008
"Things Were Said..."
As someone who tries to never take anything too seriously, I'm sure I've said things that were, at the time really insensitive. While going for a cheap laugh, or while wallowing in my own self pity, I am certain that there have been times when I've said EXACTLY the wrong thing.
And if not exactly the wrong thing, I'm sure I've said things that had to have been taken in a way other than the way I intended. It's been over 15 years now, sometime after 4am, I found my coffee mug on someone else's desk. I retrieved it and sent off an email to the offending party stating how low it was to steal a coffee delivery device from someone who was expected to be awake at 4am and if he ever did anything so callous again, that I'd kill him.
It seemed funny to me at 4am, but in the light of day, I saw myself as the asshole that I really am. The person who'd take the mug apologized. He hadn't actually taken the mug, an overzealous intern had and it had ended up on this persons desk. I in turn apologized for the threat. It was a fucking coffee mug, not a life or death matter under any circumstances. I am such an ass.
Last winter, someone who I had instructed to never make any contact with me sent me some forwarded email drivel. That she even still had my email address offended me. I responded by telling her to never send me anything, ever. Her mistake was to respond to that, so I let her have it. Looking back on it, nobody should ever send someone an email like that under ANY circumstances. Oddly, in the moment, I felt great about my email. Not much later, though, I didn't feel so good. Eventually I sent an apology.
That was hard because I don't apologize unless I truly mean it. My response was justified in so many ways, and though scathing, the whole thing was true. Few people have ever treated my as shoddily as this person had. But what she initially had sent me in this exchange was something that exhibited a bit of caring about me, even if it was crappy forwarded email drivel. My response was just an attempt to hurt this person, the way she had hurt me so many times. My response had little to do with the forwarded email drivel, it had to do with our shared history. History. Shit I should have left in the past.
I apologized. I don't know how it was taken, and in truth, since I want no further contact with this person (even if I'm coming to realize that I really shouldn't throw attractive women out of my life unconditionally), I'm fine with that. I apologized, but I'm still an ass. There's not getting around it.
Something was said to me in February, that is probably the most insensitive thing that anyone has ever said to me. Complaining about me she said that this isn't where she thought she'd be in her life at this point, she deserved a better job and better relationships.
I didn't say anything at the time, but that statement made me feel like nothing. If her life wasn't turning out the way she wanted, how was I supposed to feel about mine? I was unemployed, fired from my job for complaining when they gave me incorrect information about my shitty benefits, I was taking a job with a company I swore to never work for again, I didn't have a place to live less than two weeks before starting this job, I had fucked up my back days earlier making the moving process even more stressful than it should have been for a guy who walks with a cane because he has Multiple Sclerosis.
Is this how my life was supposed to turn out?
I let it drop, even tried to make things work with this callous person. No good. A person who would never tell me anything about herself got upset because I didn't ask her how she felt about things. She also got mad at me when she insulted me. You read that right. But I'm the bad guy.
If you want me to care about you, maybe you should think about my situation before you get fucking upset that your job isn't everything you want it to be. If you don't like your fucking job, you can change jobs, get your dream job teaching overseas. I'll still have MS, whether I want it or not.
BOJ
And if not exactly the wrong thing, I'm sure I've said things that had to have been taken in a way other than the way I intended. It's been over 15 years now, sometime after 4am, I found my coffee mug on someone else's desk. I retrieved it and sent off an email to the offending party stating how low it was to steal a coffee delivery device from someone who was expected to be awake at 4am and if he ever did anything so callous again, that I'd kill him.
It seemed funny to me at 4am, but in the light of day, I saw myself as the asshole that I really am. The person who'd take the mug apologized. He hadn't actually taken the mug, an overzealous intern had and it had ended up on this persons desk. I in turn apologized for the threat. It was a fucking coffee mug, not a life or death matter under any circumstances. I am such an ass.
Last winter, someone who I had instructed to never make any contact with me sent me some forwarded email drivel. That she even still had my email address offended me. I responded by telling her to never send me anything, ever. Her mistake was to respond to that, so I let her have it. Looking back on it, nobody should ever send someone an email like that under ANY circumstances. Oddly, in the moment, I felt great about my email. Not much later, though, I didn't feel so good. Eventually I sent an apology.
That was hard because I don't apologize unless I truly mean it. My response was justified in so many ways, and though scathing, the whole thing was true. Few people have ever treated my as shoddily as this person had. But what she initially had sent me in this exchange was something that exhibited a bit of caring about me, even if it was crappy forwarded email drivel. My response was just an attempt to hurt this person, the way she had hurt me so many times. My response had little to do with the forwarded email drivel, it had to do with our shared history. History. Shit I should have left in the past.
I apologized. I don't know how it was taken, and in truth, since I want no further contact with this person (even if I'm coming to realize that I really shouldn't throw attractive women out of my life unconditionally), I'm fine with that. I apologized, but I'm still an ass. There's not getting around it.
Something was said to me in February, that is probably the most insensitive thing that anyone has ever said to me. Complaining about me she said that this isn't where she thought she'd be in her life at this point, she deserved a better job and better relationships.
I didn't say anything at the time, but that statement made me feel like nothing. If her life wasn't turning out the way she wanted, how was I supposed to feel about mine? I was unemployed, fired from my job for complaining when they gave me incorrect information about my shitty benefits, I was taking a job with a company I swore to never work for again, I didn't have a place to live less than two weeks before starting this job, I had fucked up my back days earlier making the moving process even more stressful than it should have been for a guy who walks with a cane because he has Multiple Sclerosis.
Is this how my life was supposed to turn out?
I let it drop, even tried to make things work with this callous person. No good. A person who would never tell me anything about herself got upset because I didn't ask her how she felt about things. She also got mad at me when she insulted me. You read that right. But I'm the bad guy.
If you want me to care about you, maybe you should think about my situation before you get fucking upset that your job isn't everything you want it to be. If you don't like your fucking job, you can change jobs, get your dream job teaching overseas. I'll still have MS, whether I want it or not.
BOJ
# posted by Blind Orange Julius @ 10:22 PM 
