Tuesday, December 04, 2007
I woke up in a funk.
That could be for so many reasons.
My life stinks. I don't have a job. I have MS. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I take a medication that has been clinically shown to cause depression.
I've been crying all morning. I'll undoubtedly have to quit typing to cry some more. I'm at [someone]'s and it seemed so reasonable to pack up everything I have here and drive home. My bag is packed and is sitting by the door. I sat there for half an hour.
I don't know what to do.
There is nothing good about my life right now. The disease is getting worse. I'm having a harder time walking. I'm having a harder time typing. I'm having a harder time in general.
There's one good thing in my life right now and I'm screwing that up. I hate myself when I'm like this. I like to think I'm not a needy person but I now see myself as incapable of funtioning on my own
This is getting way too big, worse, I'm dragging innocent people in, down, with me.
I think back to the summer of 2006. I broke my nose, I was feeling worse and worse every day. I finally decided to see a doctor who sent me to a neurologist. I had never felt so bad, so useless in my life. I wanted to get better or, failing that, for it to all just be over.
I'm never getting better. Today is as good as I'm ever going to feel for the rest of my life. How bad did I feel in the summer of '06? I could still take a guitar, folding chair and harmonicas down the stairs, put them in my car and drive to the park so I could play outside for an hour. I could drive to Ft. Collins and do 14 or 20 minutes at an open mic.
Today, I could never get a guitar, folding chair and harmonicas down the stairs in one trip. I don't have the energy to make more than one trip. I'm lucky if I can play a single song before my right hand is too tired to hold a pick. I get tired during a 30 minute drive.
Today is as good as I'm going to feel for the rest of my life. It doesn't get any better than it is today.
I'm not dying. I have to live with this shit.
I have to live with this shit for all of the years that I have left.
I have to live with friends family and employers fucking me over. I have to live with people who won't do anything to help me, who have actually gone out of their ways to make things more difficult for me. I have to put up with people who don't understand what a constant struggle it is for me to do anything. And I have to put up with it from people, so called professionals, who should fucking know better.
I have to put up with the backlash I get from outbursts I make when living my daily life just gets to me, becomes too big for me to hang on to. I have to put up with a shitty healthcare system, at the only time in my life that I've had to use the shitty healthcare system.
I fucking hate my life today. I have better days than today, days I can better deal with all the shit. Even then, the shit isn't any better, it's still shit. Maybe tomorrow I won't hate everything, but it will all still suck.
BOJ
That could be for so many reasons.
My life stinks. I don't have a job. I have MS. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I take a medication that has been clinically shown to cause depression.
I've been crying all morning. I'll undoubtedly have to quit typing to cry some more. I'm at [someone]'s and it seemed so reasonable to pack up everything I have here and drive home. My bag is packed and is sitting by the door. I sat there for half an hour.
I don't know what to do.
There is nothing good about my life right now. The disease is getting worse. I'm having a harder time walking. I'm having a harder time typing. I'm having a harder time in general.
There's one good thing in my life right now and I'm screwing that up. I hate myself when I'm like this. I like to think I'm not a needy person but I now see myself as incapable of funtioning on my own
This is getting way too big, worse, I'm dragging innocent people in, down, with me.
I think back to the summer of 2006. I broke my nose, I was feeling worse and worse every day. I finally decided to see a doctor who sent me to a neurologist. I had never felt so bad, so useless in my life. I wanted to get better or, failing that, for it to all just be over.
I'm never getting better. Today is as good as I'm ever going to feel for the rest of my life. How bad did I feel in the summer of '06? I could still take a guitar, folding chair and harmonicas down the stairs, put them in my car and drive to the park so I could play outside for an hour. I could drive to Ft. Collins and do 14 or 20 minutes at an open mic.
Today, I could never get a guitar, folding chair and harmonicas down the stairs in one trip. I don't have the energy to make more than one trip. I'm lucky if I can play a single song before my right hand is too tired to hold a pick. I get tired during a 30 minute drive.
Today is as good as I'm going to feel for the rest of my life. It doesn't get any better than it is today.
I'm not dying. I have to live with this shit.
I have to live with this shit for all of the years that I have left.
I have to live with friends family and employers fucking me over. I have to live with people who won't do anything to help me, who have actually gone out of their ways to make things more difficult for me. I have to put up with people who don't understand what a constant struggle it is for me to do anything. And I have to put up with it from people, so called professionals, who should fucking know better.
I have to put up with the backlash I get from outbursts I make when living my daily life just gets to me, becomes too big for me to hang on to. I have to put up with a shitty healthcare system, at the only time in my life that I've had to use the shitty healthcare system.
I fucking hate my life today. I have better days than today, days I can better deal with all the shit. Even then, the shit isn't any better, it's still shit. Maybe tomorrow I won't hate everything, but it will all still suck.
BOJ
# posted by Blind Orange Julius @ 9:22 AM 
