Globex Corporation Newsletter

HUMAN RESOURCES REPRESENTATIVE
[Nameless Company]


job description
Ranked by the Rocky Mountain News as one of Colorado's leading companies, particularly for screwing over employees in other states, especially Wyoming, [Nameless Company] aggressively recruits energetic, driven, spiteful and unintelligent people to meet the demands of our exciting industry and to help us reach our vision of changing the way the world communicates. To add to our team of talented people, we are currently seeking a Human Resource Representative II.


The responsibilities of this role include:

SUMMARY
Performs unprofessional and spiteful human resources tasks in a variety of human resources programs. Primary responsibilities are to support [Nameless Company] business partners with their HR needs such as recruitment, employee relations, compliance, training and general compensation and benefits issues and to screw [Nameless Company] employees as efficiently as possible, saving [Nameless Company] money that we can use to sponsor an America's Cup Yacht team in the near future.

ESSENTIAL DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES include the following. Other duties may be assigned.

Consults with department managers to determine appropriate human resources priorities.

Participates in the review of operational business strategy and objectives to determine the implication on human resources objectives in a way to further screw eployees.

Advises management of risks associated with current business practices and recommends improvements by providing expertise to management in circumventing local, state and federal employment laws.

Promptly reports any compliance related concerns to Senior HR Management team and works diligently at covering up said concerns.

Conducts training of human resources objectives to management including regulatory compliance training, policy and procedures training and corporate communication initiatives.

Maintains communication with departments on all human resources related issues. Reports recommendations and alternative ways of screwing employees to higher level managers.

Represents organization at personnel-related hearings and investigations, disregarding any laws, as necessary, to screw employees and save [Nameless Company] money that we can then spend on sponsorship of a Masked Mexican Wrestler.

Works independently on objectives. Receives very little supervision as current [Nameless Company] HR supervisors are incompetent and would be able to offer very little assistance anyway.

Ensures that human resources needs are met in a timely manner or an untimely manner as is beneficial to [Nameless Company].

Acts as mentor to lower level HR staff to develop all aspects or HR and interpersonal expertise, corrupting them so that no other company will ever want to hire them. One of us... One of us...

This list is not meant to be a comprehensive inventory of all duties and responsibilities assigned to this position. Those who come up with more efficient ways of screwing employees will be rewarded, or, alternatively, have their ideas stolen by supervisors who will receive large bonuses for the idea.

I hope we get someone good!

BOJ

Labels: [Nameless Company], Pointless Shit