Globex Corporation Newsletter

SINGING WITH THE LUTHERANS:
by Garrison Keillor

I have made fun of Lutherans for years - who
wouldn't, if you lived in Minnesota ? But I have
also sung with Lutherans and that is one of the main
joys of life, along with hot baths and fresh sweet
corn. We make fun of Lutherans for their blandness,
their excessive calm, their fear of giving offense,
their lack of speed and also for their secret
fondness for macaroni and cheese. But nobody sings
like them. If you ask an audience in New York City ,
a relatively Lutheranless place, to sing along on
the chorus of Michael Row the Boat Ashore, they will
look daggers at you as if you had asked them to
strip to their underwear. But if you do this among
Lutherans they'll smile and row that boat ashore and
up on the beach! And down the road!

Lutherans are bred from childhood to sing in
four-part harmony. It's a talent that comes from
sitting on the lap of someone singing alto or tenor
or bass and hearing the harmonic intervals by
putting your little head against that person's rib
cage. It's natural for Lutherans to sing in harmony.
We're too modest to be soloists, too worldly to sing
in unison. When you're singing in the key of C and
you slide into the A7th and D7th chords, all two
hundred of you, it's an emotionally fulfilling
moment.

I once sang the bass line of Children of the
Heavenly Father in a room with about three thousand
Lutherans in it; and when we finished, we all had
tears in our eyes, partly from the promise that God
will not forsake us, partly from the proximity of
all those lovely voices. By our joining in harmony,
we somehow promise that we will not forsake each
other.

I do believe this: These Lutherans are the sort of
people you could call up when you're in deep
distress. If you're dying, they'll comfort you. If
you're lonely, they'll talk to you. And if you're
hungry, they'll give you tuna salad!

The following list was compiled by a 20th century
Lutheran who, observing other Lutherans, wrote down
exactly what he saw or heard:

1. Lutherans believe in prayer, but would
   practically die if asked to pray out loud.



2. Lutherans like to sing, except when confronted
   with a new hymn or a hymn with more than four
   stanzas.



3. Lutherans believe their pastors will visit them
   in the hospital, even if they don't notify them that
   they are there.



4. Lutherans usually follow the official liturgy and
   will feel it is their way of suffering for their
   sins.



5. Lutherans believe in miracles and even expect
   miracles, especially during their stewardship
   visitation programs or when passing the plate.



6. Lutherans feel that applauding for their
   children's choirs would make the kids too proud and
   conceited.



7. Lutherans think that the Bible forbids them from
   crossing the aisle while passing the peace.



8. Lutherans drink coffee as if it were the Third
   Sacrament.



9. Some Lutherans still believe that an ELCA bride
   and an LCMS groom make for a mixed marriage.



10. Lutherans feel guilty for not staying to clean
    up after their own wedding reception in the
    Fellowship Hall.



11. Lutherans are willing to pay up to one dollar
    for a meal at church.



12. Lutherans think that Garrison Keillor stories
    are totally factual.



13. Lutherans still serve Jell-O in the proper
    liturgical color of the season and think that peas
    in a tuna noodle casserole add too much color.



14. Lutherans believe that it is OK to poke fun at
    themselves and never take themselves too seriously.

And finally, you know you're a Lutheran when:
*It's 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still
have coffee after the service;
*You hear something really funny during the sermon
and smile as loudly as you can;
*Donuts are a line item in the church budget, just
like coffee;
*The communion cabinet is open to all, but the
coffee cabinet is locked up tight;
*All your relatives graduated from a school named
Concordia;
*When you watch a "Star Wars" movie and they say,
May the Force be with you, you respond, "and also
with you";

*And lastly, it takes ten minutes to say good-bye.


"May you wake each day with His blessings,
Sleep each night in His keeping,
And always walk in His tender care."

BOJ