Tuesday, January 23, 2007


Positive About TP

Mankind's greatest achievement!
I woke up with the runs this morning. I'm sure that's the strangest opening for a Positive Tuesday ever. Worse, I was out of toilet paper, none of the old TP. I had to waddle into my bedroom with my pants around my ankles to grab a box of kleenex.

I'm sure I'm not imparting any new and important knowledge on you when I tell you that cleaning up that kind of mess with undersized rectangles of tissue is no picnic. But it had to be done. I definitely wasn't putting my pants back on in that condition.

Went downstairs to see if Tim had a roll or two I could run of with once I was cleaned up, but there was no answer. Now I'm not feeling all that good today, but certain tasks need to be done no matter how crappy or shitty you're feeling. I needed some TP, and pretty damn bad.

So I decided I'd take a shower, maybe grab a bite to eat out and pick up some TP at what Slick and Sarcastra refer to as the "Ghetto Safeway." I was turning on the shower (yet another revelation in the shower...) when I realized that I did have some toilet paper, it was in the hall closet. I had purchased a TP pack to large to fit under the sink. I had been taking a roll or two out of the hall closet, putting one on the roll and stashing one under the sink. I must have been too lazy to do that last time I replaced the TP on the roll.

So after my shower I dried off and had a good wipe. Heaven! No shit on my fingers or anything! Toilet paper is civilized man's greatest achievement! I'm lucky to live in a society where TP is cheap and plentiful.

This story has an international component. My parents, on a trip to the holy land, called while I still was unaware of TP in the house. I, of course, related the story. Word of my messy wiping has now reached a hotel in Israel.

Just thought you might want to know....


Years ago as a stupid lad of course the tradition of TP'ing someones house or car was a favorite activity among me and some close friends.

My friend Luke had a mom who was cool and quite funny for a woman in her 60's (we were late teen/early 20's - so to us, she was OLD). One night we showed up at his house to pick him up with 2 cases of the old TP in the car and we told her who's house we were going to target that evening and in the most dead pan tone she said "Do you realize there are people in the Soviet Union who wait in line 2 weeks for that valuable stuff, and you're going to WASTE it like that? Thanks to kids like you there's going to be people who can't wipe their asses behind the iron curtain!".

At first we all stood there with a guilty feeling inside, until she burst out laughing.

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The Bert Convey
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