Globex Corporation Newsletter

"Argument Clinic"
From Monty Python's Previous Record and
Monty Python's Instant Record Collection

Michael Palin: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.

Carol Cleveland: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?

Michael Palin: No, I haven't, this is my first time.

Carol Cleveland: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?

Michael Palin: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.

Carol Cleveland: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.

Pause

Carol Cleveland: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.

Michael Palin: Thank you.

Walks down the hall. Opens door.

Graham Chapman: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Michael Palin: Well, I was told outside that...

Graham Chapman: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!

Michael Palin: What?

Graham Chapman: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!

Michael Palin: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!

Graham Chapman: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.

Michael Palin: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.

Graham Chapman: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.

Michael Palin: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.

Graham Chapman: Not at all.

Michael Palin: Thank You.

Graham Chapman: Under his breath Stupid git!!

Walk down the corridor

Michael Palin: Knock

John Cleese: Come in.

Michael Palin: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?

John Cleese: I told you once.

Michael Palin: No you haven't.

John Cleese: Yes I have.

Michael Palin: When?

John Cleese: Just now.

Michael Palin: No you didn't.

John Cleese: Yes I did.

Michael Palin: You didn't

John Cleese: I did!

Michael Palin: You didn't!

John Cleese: I'm telling you I did!

Michael Palin: You did not!!

John Cleese: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?

Michael Palin: Oh, just the five minutes.

John Cleese: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.

Michael Palin: You most certainly did not.

John Cleese: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.

Michael Palin: No you did not.

John Cleese: Yes I did.

Michael Palin: No you didn't.

John Cleese: Yes I did.

Michael Palin: No you didn't.

John Cleese: Yes I did.

Michael Palin: No you didn't.

John Cleese: Yes I did.

Michael Palin: You didn't.

John Cleese: Did.

Michael Palin: Oh look, this isn't an argument.

John Cleese: Yes it is.

Michael Palin: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.

John Cleese: No it isn't.

Michael Palin: It is!

John Cleese: It is not.

Michael Palin: Look, you just contradicted me.

John Cleese: I did not.

Michael Palin: Oh you did!!

John Cleese: No, no, no.

Michael Palin: You did just then.

John Cleese: Nonsense!

Michael Palin: Oh, this is futile!

John Cleese: No it isn't.

Michael Palin: I came here for a good argument.

John Cleese: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.

Michael Palin: An argument isn't just contradiction.

John Cleese: It can be.

Michael Palin: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements
intended to establish a proposition.

John Cleese: No it isn't.

Michael Palin: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.

John Cleese: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.

Michael Palin: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'

John Cleese: Yes it is!

Michael Palin: No it isn't!

John Cleese: Yes it is!

Michael Palin: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.

short pause

John Cleese: No it isn't.

Michael Palin: It is.

John Cleese: Not at all.

Michael Palin: Now look.

John Cleese: Rings bell Good Morning.

Michael Palin: What?

John Cleese: That's it. Good morning.

Michael Palin: I was just getting interested.

John Cleese: Sorry, the five minutes is up.

Michael Palin: That was never five minutes!

John Cleese: I'm afraid it was.

Michael Palin: It wasn't.

Pause

John Cleese: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.

Michael Palin: What?!

John Cleese: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another
five minutes.

Michael Palin: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!

John Cleese: Hums

Michael Palin: Look, this is ridiculous.

John Cleese: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!

Michael Palin: Oh, all right.

pays money

John Cleese: Thank you.

short pause

Michael Palin: Well?

John Cleese: Well what?

Michael Palin: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.

John Cleese: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.

Michael Palin: I just paid!

John Cleese: No you didn't.

Michael Palin: I DID!

John Cleese: No you didn't.

Michael Palin: Look, I don't want to argue about that.

John Cleese: Well, you didn't pay.

Michael Palin: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!

John Cleese: No you haven't.

Michael Palin: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.

John Cleese: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.

I was going to save this for Pointless Shit Thursday. It is pointless, but it certainly isn't shit. This is one of the finest pieces of comedy ever written. Language doesn't often get used as well as this in any literary endevor.

I always saw a connection between this piece and prostitution. A man is paying for conversation (intercourse) and wants something particular. Cleese won't argue unless he's paid and admits that he could argue in his spare time. In other versions of this sketch, Palin is sent to "Complaints" (the man simply complains about everything) and "Being hit on the head lessons" (draw your own prostitution-related analogy). Just my inane two-bits.

BOJ