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Let's get one thing straight, I don't try to offend people. I could, dear God, I could. I go out of my way not to swear in my songs. I really do. I wrote a song years ago in which I referred to Minnesota as, "no God damn winter wonderland." I've never performed it, primarily because I can't make it work on guitar. Damn I wish I were a better guitar player. Even if I did perform it, I would probably change it and take out the gratuitous swearing.

I saw an interview with Barenaked Ladies years ago. They talked of making a concious effort not to swear while on stage. To their way of thinking, there were much more creative ways to insult people then to shout four letter words at them. I didn't get the idea from them, but I wholly subscribe to it.

I was instructed not to play Two Condoms at the Dunn Bros. open mic in the RC. One evening when I asked if I could play it and was asked not to, another musician dropped an f-bomb in a song. This musician would regularly do that. I don't care, I truly don't, but if I can't play a song with no bad words in it, he shouldn't be able to say fuck.

The same goes for Mojo Nixon's Vibrator Dependent. TSA and I played that once at Dunn Bros. and were asked to never do it again. Ken Jones refused to put the audio on his site, and yet I heard that guy drop the f-bomb on the net on more than once.

I make a concious effort. There are a couple of Ben Folds songs I would love to perform, particularly Song for the Dumped:

So you wanted to take a break
Slow it down some and have some space
Well fuck you too

Give me my money back, give me my money back
Give me my money back you bitch
I want my money back, I want my money back
And do forget to give me back my black T-shirt

You fucking whore
You fucking whore
You fucking whore

I've never played that song anywhere but in my own living room. OK, I played it in the park the other day, but you know what I mean.

As for my own songs, I don't call the woman in Two Condoms a slut, I do state that her "virtue is untrue." I think I have a right to say that about a woman. I have a right to want to protect myself from any stray diseases that I could get from a woman by doing something silly like, oh, I don't know, wearing two condoms. And I don't "Whip one off and feel like a wild man when I fuck you." Works doesn't it? Concious effort on my part. I found a different way to say exactly the same way and yet keep the language relatively clean.

I wrote My Right Hand: A Love Story a while back. Guess what it's about? At no point do I mention that I masturbate, that I take my cock in my hand and wiggle it around until I, well, until I don't have the need to wiggle it around anymore. I mention things like "some day I hope to try this with a real girl," and "some day we'll invite my left hand for a three-way," but I am deliberatly not graphic.

So last night I played My Right Hand: A Love Story at Somi's. Again, that type of material did much better than the 4 previous songs done by songwriters of much greater ability than me (Bruce Springsteen, Randy Newman, Shawn Bitz & Willy Grigg). My Right Hand is by no means a better song than the previous four songs I played. It's what I do. It works when I do it. Most people like when I do that sort of thing:

My Right Hand: A Love Story

Champagne by the Fireplace
I've got the music on real low
Shadows dancin' 'cross the living room
In a warm hypnotic glow

I've set it up so perfectly
I hope this isn't where it ends
But I think tonight's gonna be the night
I just wish I could tell my friends

And I been playin' it all out
In my mind for so long
And I considered every little thing
That could go wrong
But tonight's the night I think
I'll finally give it a whirl
And someday I hope to try this
With a real girl

Don't have much luck with women
I think that's pretty plain to see
So a romantic evening is home all alone
It's only my right hand and me
But I always try to do it up right
Any time I get the notion
And my right hand never fails to please
At least 'til I run out of lotion

And I been playin' it all out
In my mind for so long
And I considered every little thing
That could go wrong
But tonight's the night I think
I'll finally give it a whirl
And someday I hope to try this
With a real girl

The scene is just so perfect
I'm getting tipsy from champagne
Don't care what you say about my right hand
It never fails to entertain
It never lies it never cheats
It never leaves me in my sorrow
And if I play my cards right tonight
My arm will be real sore tomorrow

Don't think I'm silly
I know that it's not love
But if I'm in the mood for dress-up
It'll wear a glove
Yeah my right hand gives
My dirty mind real leeway
And someday we'll invite my left hand
For a three-way

One woman seemingly took great offense. It's subject matter, but I purposfully kept the language clean. When I had this idea, I coudn't not write the song. Is the song immoral? I suppose to some prudish people it could be considered as such. But then I want to see every bit as much offense when Johnny Cash sings "I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die...." (which is probably the coolest line in the history of music).

I'm not going to wow anyone with my ability on guitar or harmonica. I certainly don't have the greatest voice people have ever heard. I can't write an interesting melody, I rarely stray from the I IV V chord progression. What I can do is look at something as silly as masturbation in a different way, I can make people laugh at it. It's all I've got. I'm honestly not trying to offend anyone. I could, I could very easily. That's just it, it's too easy.

Talked to the husband of the woman who was greatly offended. He told me that he hopes I come back next week.

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